The Christmas Break

Now is the time where everyone is finally free from all the stress of school, and the stress of holiday greetings and "gay happy meetings" can occur.

This year hasn't been too stressful, although I do celebrate Christmas and all, it hasn't felt very Christmas-y. Other than the fact that every time I go over to my best friends house she has decorations everywhere, except for her room I just realized, and has Christmas music blaring in her car. Her family is very festive and cheerful around this time of year.

I've been visiting with them for the last couple of days this week/weekend, and it's been quite enjoyable.

We got to see the hobbit  and some other uncanny creatures at the theater. Haha, and we spent a day in the rain while I played as the third-wheel. (On the bright side, the dude had a heart and bought both mine and my best friends dinner...of course he didn't have to, but it was kind of a packaged deal.)

The best part about this weekend was Ashville. We went up into the mountainous regions and took a tour of some large houses, and got to enjoy a really great gingerbread house competition. The children's houses were quite cute and comical, and really creative as well. Then the adult gingerbread houses were decked out to the very detail. So many details, it had to of taken them months to create it. Can you even imagine the stress, not to mention the blood, sweat and tears!

Truthfully, the week started out great, then weakened and became almost a cry fest, but wound itself back up to the top again in the end. I swear, teenage girls and idiotic teenage boys should not know of each others existence until a specific age. Maybe that's a bit over rated, but it would cut down on the "boy drama" quite and bit and no girls would be cat fighting over who the boy likes better.

"O if only in a fairy tale..."

So, here I am. Sitting in my freezing room not really waiting or planning for anything on this wet and dreary Christmas Eve. I've already seen it snow once, but none of it stuck to the ground to create a winter wonderland. I wasn't too disappointed, because snow comes and goes just like people. It's in its own form. Some you see plainly, and others are hidden away in the mix of all the rest. Little white crystals of snow.

Well, whatever you celebrate, or even if you don't, I hope you all have a very wonderful day today and tomorrow. And I will catch you all on the flip side! :)

Personal Poem

Everyone Wants A Piece of Me

Everyone wants a piece of me,

Everyone wants to know

just how much I love them,

but it's hard to tell you so;

The heart that beats within me

is hard, scared, and cracked;

with a few missing pieces 

that I'm never getting back;

So I lay here cold and lonely,

thinking about of all your names

and how you cry yourselves to sleep

in horrors you shall never speak

I am not the friend I should be,

I'm selfish and I'm mean,

but love is all I want

and i want to give you the same ;

 I'm gritty and independent,

because that's the way I was raised

Trust no one, not even yourself 

and this will be what stays;

The best has still yet to come

among the bitter cold of the night

so we lean on one another

and hold each other tight.

Everyone wants a piece of me,

but truthfully I declare

there's nothing much to take

except for this tattered heart in disrepair. 

Rambling about life

Hello to the people who actually read this. I hope you are all doing well. I've been quite the busy bee here lately with going on Finals week and meeting new people. I've finally come to the realization that even though  you have a class that you hate at first, and it's difficult, you some how end up making bonds with people in the process and then you don't want the school semester to be over. It's really hard and sad when you finally find a class that you feel like you're a part of and can act yourself in, and they don't say  much to tear you down. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not used to getting attached to these people the way that I have, and I feel this pain in my chest when I realize I won't be seeing some of them again for either eternity, or at least for a few months.

 Things are funny in the way that they change. I'm still pretty young, in my last year of being a literal teen and not really sure where I'm going with my life. Sometimes I wish I could be old and full of intelligence but still have my youthful look so then I could be smart, pretty, and no have to worry about doing stupid things. I could life a pretty perfect life and not have to worry about anything too badly. Alas, I am not old, so I go from day to day tripping over my own two feet and wishing I knew better or how to handle things in a more graceful way.

Apologies, I'm going off on a rambling spree, if you wish to read on, then go for it, but if not you should stop here. Just saying.

So school is changing and the people are coming and going who are in my classes and soon to be in my classes. The only class that isn't slow enough for you to get really used to someone is math. Math changes every month where you either pass what you have "learned" or you fail and take it again, but the sucky thing is that you can't have more than three shots at passing it or else.....something happens, I'm not sure what. Supposedly my school is the first to try this new method out and then next fall other schools will take this up (I'm not sure about this information so if you are in a community college, this could be a false alarm or a warning...)

Now for the juicy stuff. I've met a very intelligent, very attractive, funny, sweet guy and he's pretty awesome. We hit it off pretty great, and for once this "like" is on a two-way street! I'm just as amazed as you are. I never thought I would ever attract anyone really, I'd just grow old with a bunch of cats or dogs, but I guess fate has something planned for me. I guess it just goes to show you that things can happen, you just have to get out there and meet new people, and boy am I glad I met him. We've been chatting off and on, and even cuddled and hugged, nothing crazy or PG-13. Just taking it slow, and I like this, it's nice having the feeling of being wanted by someone. It's hard though being rescued when you've always rescued yourself. Being the interdependent woman that I've become isn't a bad thing, but it can cause me to push people away when they get too close.

Yep, I guess we all have our issues that we're trying to get through, and hopefully there is someone there to be with you and help you get through them too.  I wish the best for you all, in good health and if you celebrate Christmas, a very Merry Christmas to you!

I'll catch you all on the flip side.

If only to feel that happiness again

What do you do when you hit that time in your life where you don't know anything about yourself, all of your life goals, beliefs, and traditions are gone. You're just here, but you don't know what to do with yourself. You live from day to day and some how every now and again get up the courage to try to make yourself better, but that only ends up in a routine or a failure just like everything else. You want something different but how different do you really want to be? If we do things that are odd beyond the ways of man we are judged, criticized, and mocked because of our differences. It then doesn't seem to matter on our personality, traits or if we're a good person or not because we're now titled as "freaks". 

Well you know what, I am attempting to become a freak. I've always been different, personality wise, from others but most everyone's always liked me. I sometimes wonder if I can really accept the fact that if I become this "freak" how people will take me. Things wont be the same...things will never be the same after this. The thing of the matter is though, is that there's something dying inside of me and I want to change it, something yearning to be filled with life and happiness. I've felt that happiness once before and the only way that I can get it back is through having a real relationship with God. What I don't understand is how we can all have the same God in heaven, but we all have to worship Him differently. Look, I'm not looking to be a "christian" like everyone else, but I'm looking to be a child of God. 

I know that there's a manual for how to live, and that's the Bible. It's easy to do our own thing because its comfortable, but are you really happy....and if so, for how long? This is something of a challenge to go against our human nature to follow the manual, but I've seen people who live by it, and let me tell you there's something really amazing about the love in their hearts. I want that love and I want to feel that happiness again.

"For every saint there's a past, and for every sinner a future" 

surprise parties and school

Today feels like it should be over already. School is about to start fresh and new for the week, and I'm ready for the weekend again. Next weekend I'm having a surprise birthday party for myself and my dad. I know what you're thinking....surprise birthday....for yourself? Right. Exactly what you think, I don't like surprises really and I would rather plan my own party than have someone else do it. Just saying. So there's going to be a slight stress with getting everyone invited on such short term, and I'm a little bit anxious to see what happens with that. All that matters is that people are there, they have food, drink, and have fun. My dad has no idea about any of this, his birthday was actually a few days ago and I'm wanting to do something for him, but being the teenager that I am there are times when we butt heads, so sometimes I could careless. I love my dad though, and I want him to be happy and have a good time and have something special for once. We've never shared a birthday party before, so this could be interesting...and I'm just glad that the majority of the people that I like have parents that are friends with my parents, so it all works out in the end! Maybe...

 There's this really awesome woman that I met a few years ago, and she's been so amazing. You have no idea, she's such a "kindred spirit". She has taken the liberty to help me out with getting this all set up and everything and I am so very lucky. She's one of those people where you meet them and you automatically that you're going to like them. She has a personality about her that is genuine and true, which is really hard to find anymore. The other day she was telling me her story of how she went through her childhood being poor, then through the years she suffered with cancer. She is such a beautiful person and I just can't even describe to you how wonderful she is, but she is awesome and we're going to have a party at her house. I guess that was a lot of introduction for one woman, but that's just how awesome she is. Maybe one day I'll write a little bit more about her and her stories (with her "okay" of course). So from the time of tomorrow until this Saturday, we will be working our butts off inviting, planning, buying, and cleaning. Truthfully though, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't know if anyone really cares, but I'm back in college for my second semester. There's actually a really awesome chance that I will make it! I am super slack on reading though, but the last couple of times it seems that it wasn't really needed since we just starting out. I haven't had any homework yet which is amazing, so I'm just kind of floating right now and wondering when the real thing is going to start. Two of my classes are hands on, which is perfect for me because I learn better that way and hopefully everything will go great! My major right now is something I thought I would love but I really don't know how much I will love it in the end; its always good to keep a positive attitude and work ethic with it though so I'm going to go until I know for sure it's not for me. Whelp, maybe if I remember I can come back and give you the results for our surprise birthday party. I'm sure there will be some kind of story when it's all said and done, hopefully nothing dramatic.

Hope you all have a good week and I will catch you on the flip side!

The runaway

About four days ago, I found myself on a hot summer day down in the garage with my dad. He had bought an old truck to repair and get back on the road, just something he likes to do as a hobby. Since he needed my help, I probably wouldn't have been down there other wise. Once everything was finally put back in its place, tires were put back on and everything seemed perfect for the moment. My father, in his pride, wanted to take his truck out for a drive just to see how it ran. I'm sure most every man (or woman) who has worked on a car or truck of their own and got it running has felt this pride and became "one" with the automobile. Well, being glad to be out of the garage and away from a large piece of metal and its parts back in place I cooled off in the air conditioning and chatted with my mom. An old lemon-berry slushy from Sonic was rotting in our refrigerator and so I took the liberty of taking it out to dispose of it. Grabbing my shoes and heading out with the watered down treat my dad rumbled in like some kind of monster truck racer. He was happy, and I was glad to see him happy for once. 

 I drifted off into some kind of day dream as I threw out the liquid substance in the plastic cup and walked a little further towards our trash bens. I caught a glance of towards the truck now parked and running with my dad under the hood again. I never will quite understand why men must do this, but I guess it's just a thing. Turning my back and lifting the lid off of the trash can, a really loud strange noise echoed all around me. It sounded like rain, like a really hard rain hitting leaves...but it wasn't raining. Tossing the cup into the trash/ recycling ben I turned around to find that my dad, his truck, and our dog was missing. It was like they had just vanished into thin air...then it hit me. 

 AH. One second the truck was there, next second it had rolled backwards as my dad tried to catch it. The story was this: he was looking under the hood as he realized the trucks emergency break hadn't been put down far enough. So, the next scene to this lovely story is my father getting his legs swept out from under him and holding on for dear life as the truck drug him across the yard and into the woods. Wee. It scared the living s#$% out of me. The only thing seen was the truck, the door barely open, and my dad no where. Running up scared out of my mind to find a bloody mess, surprisingly he was actually okay. He was barely holding on, and had the brake pedal held with his index finger while half of his body was under the truck. (Bleeding your breaks, aka making them "stiff", can possibly save your life one day.) Thankfully he was okay, but it could have ended a lot worse. Maybe you can call that fate but I call that God, and I am definitely grateful. 

 The inspiration of having this blog has left my memory. I guess the main use of it now shall be to share personal stories and experiences just to share with others. I hope everyone has a good week and a good school year (or whatever you're doing with your life!) 

Big Bully

History seems to have this undying hatred for young innocent children that have to study it. It fills your mind with thousands of facts and dates that you absolutely can not forget or risk failing the class. I think that History hates itself more than anyone else. It sits in it's own way, festering with grief, and like an angry pregnant woman can't do anything but just sit. History is stuck in the past, while Science, English, and Math are always moving ahead. No wonder History is so highly disliked. It's like a bully that waits for you in the hallways, readying its position so it can pounce on your weak bones. The fist balled up, pulled behind it's head and ready to slam into your face, never giving you a chance to even breath. History has problems, the world has problems and History is stuck in the past with these problems. The only way that history ever moves forward is when something big happens and it's pages are written on once again. Why live in the past, yeah its good to know where you come from, but that is old news. You need to figure out where you're going if you've lived that past and already know where you've been.

Maybe History is the greatest thing in the world for some, but for me...History is just a big bully. 

First Impressions

I stand in the back of the crowd and see him in the distance. He stands there with such pride and confidence and it makes me want to move my feet and float over to where he stands. When I think of this the previous occurrence holds me back...

Getting out of the small green Honda accord, I look down at my black and dirty converse. 'I should have cleaned these' I think to myself, but who's is there to impress? Getting out and carrying the birthday present and card in my hands, I am met by a round old lady with long black hair and a bright pink blouse. She greets me with a hug and puts her hand on my back and walks me towards the back yard where the party is being held. She says she wants me to "meet someone", but the only people that I see are either young children or adults in their late 40's and older. My mind goes into full on adult mode as I brace myself for an awkward and boring conversation with some adult. Walking up she calls his name and he turns around, and I notice his face is young like mine. The back of my mind said not to jump to conclusions, that his wife and or children are probably around here somewhere. He walks up about a foot right in front of me and looks down into my eyes and puts his hand in front of me. Putting my hand opposite to his, we shook hands and I noted to myself how soft his hands were. Being the awkward person that I am though, went in for a strong hand shake rather than a weak and feminine one. Once i realized this was a guy...my age...and he had been wanting to meet me. I was being set up, and this is my first impression? Give him a "manly" handshake. My eyes drifted down towards the ground and my face grew red before the hand shake had ended, but I glanced back looking for disappointment. Looking back I only saw a look of shock and utter brilliance flashing across his big blue eyes. He smiled and kept looking at me in those few seconds of shaking hands that felt like an eternity to myself.
 After meeting "the guy", I felt all chances of knowing him had been thrown out the window because of my hand shake. The thoughts of how he must have believed me to be something I wasn't kept flashing across my mind. Going inside of the small house, I sat beside the birthday girl. She warned me of being introduced and expected to join the family, and I told her about my experience. Her salt and pepper hair bobbed up and down and her eyes crinkled at the edges as her eyes watered and sparkled with her laughter echoing all around. I smiled, her laugh was always contagious and filled with youthfulness and love. She shook her head and looked at me again as the introducer walked in.
 After the food and games had started, I kept my eye on him. He ate and once the men were done they all got together to finish their game. He had started, but for some reason he dropped out and kept standing close to where I sat. My mind went to the wondering of if he wanted to talk to me. I wanted to talk to him too, so I walked over to where he was. Looking back down at my shoes I realized that beside me were shoes just as dirty as mine. I looked up and he was there beside me smiling. I smiled back, but the distraction of fireflies were too much for the young children to resist. They pulled us separate and we chased fireflies all around the yard. When I held a purple "bug house" in my hands he walked up carrying an tiny worm. He wanted to put it in the bug house along with the lightening bugs, but as he beat his hand against the little plastic container the worm held on for dear life. He seemed frustrated by this. His brows furrowed and he focused on the little worm, and began hitting his hand on the container again. My pulse fastened as I realized what I would have to do. Fearful of looking up at him, I kept my gaze on his hand and reached up towards his fingers. He began pulling back, but caught my drift, and put his hand back in my reach. Gently I put my thumb and my index finger between the worm and plucked him off. Putting the little green worm on the surface of the container, I looked back up at him and he looked at me. We smiled for a second. Then I turned away shyly and smiled to myself as I walked away.
 Maybe first impressions weren't so important after all...at least not the ones that you thought mattered in your mind.

Back and School talk

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. How is everyone doing? Well I hope. There is so much that has been going on since I've been gone. I'm learning how to create more correct sentences and paragraphs in writing. I don't know if you can tell, it's still new. I've miss you all though. I didn't think I would be gone this long, but it has been a long time.

 History has been a major pain still, but English is still the top. English has been teaching me how to write memoirs, essays, and reviews. When you're growing up and being taught in elementary school it seems almost insane to think that maybe one day you would have to write a complete sentence in correct punctuation, spelling, and a certain pattern for your paragraph. I don't think that elementary and high school really actually get you ready for anything, but then again those years get you to learn how to read, write, and other things that is very important to know for basic skills. History and Science are almost the same, but you just go into more detail and have to retain more things to remember for exams and finals. Then with math you add the alphabet and all sorts of other things. Okay so, a personal recommendation, if you're having trouble with math or anything like (no matter what difficulty) you can go to a great place called khan academy (http://khanacademy.org/) and it's very awesome. I was actually watching Good Morning America I believe it was, or one of those morning shows, and they were interviewing the man that created that program.

 With being an new student, I've pretty much learned the basics on the college I guess...(if you can say that even). I know where the class is, and I know where the parking lot is. That's pretty much it. Sad really, but I know I'll learn more about our great campus. I have a feeling that one of my required classes is going to be about our great campus and possibly the history of it. (exasperated sigh) On the bright side, I got the book on that class for free! I actually had that class as one for this summer, but I dropped out because it would have been way out of the way. Gas prices are not my friend right now, nor anyone else's, so we're at a stand still when it comes to going out of the way for whatever (driving wise).

 I'm wondering, how many times can a person really change their major? I haven't even started but yet I feel like what I'm going into might be wrong. I want to give it a try, because you should never just assume you're going to have a lousy time/ not do a good job before it even starts. You just have to go and do what you can, and I have "people" so if I need to drop out I still can. The process of getting into a major is kind of a pain though. Why must there be so much paper work? Gosh. Well, college is...college I guess. No matter where you go, only the rules are applied differently I guess? I've only really been to one college so I'm pretty much just assuming. Well, English class calls so I will need to be going here very soon. I hope to be back again soon, History has been keeping me busy though. I swear, my classes are like deprived children. If I spend too much attention on History, then English gets behind or becomes a pain to deal with and etc. Even with just two classes I'm feeling a bit stressed, so I can't EVEN imagine having about four classes at once (but it will be over a 16 week period and not 10).

Hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week, and I hope to be back soon! Catch ya on the flip side.

SURPRISE!

I have been battling this monster assignment (I'm a newbie to college so this assignment was monster to me) for the past two days and felt that I couldn't win what so ever. THEN, out of no where from working on it for so long my professor graded what I already had and gave me a C+. I am super excited about this because I've never been extremely awesome in academic things, or anything really, but when I saw that I got an 83 on my History assignment (with those butt whopping 5 essays) I was pleasantly surprised.
 I guess now that I have that done I can read for the next two chapters and get ready for my English class tomorrow! I'm so excited now, and I feel like I can do this but it will be hard work and discipline like everyone had always said. (I never doubted them, but I needed to find out for myself just how much discipline I was going to need.) Now with this out of the way, my other problems don't seem so magnified anymore and I can focus on what I need to do and my priorities before anything else. I guess college isn't so horrible after all. (:

History, School, and etc.

 History kicked my butt tonight. Like seriously it seems so easy to read it, but then when you have to read all that butt load of stuff AND remember every little thing too. Like certain things I remember but like other things that were so small and insignificant on paper are like little ants to me and I don't focus on them then forget it. Come exam time, I figure I'll just cry and remember as much as I possibly can. I don't hardly cry ever, like I actually thought I didn't have any tear ducts for a while, but then after last week on Monday...crying over that stupid draft, I've found myself crying over little things. Being emotional sucks sometimes, just when your emotions like want to take over your whole being and you're just like stuck in the moment or something. Yeah, it's been crazy.  This weekend was great, to a certain degree, and crazy too...sorry no stories this time ha-ha. (I'm not really being a "correct writer" right now because like I said, History kicked my butt...and hard. Sorry too if I'm saying "like" a lot.)

 So, sitting here knowing I haven't made any entry in a while, I guess I should say that I was beast in my essay on Wednesday. Compared to my draft (that I cried over), I actually really worked hard on getting valuable information for my essay and I think it worked out great. I walked away feeling really confident again, but not overly confident. The teacher was even slightly surprised yet pleased that I hadn't burst into tears again. That and our teacher spilled coffee on our draft papers, and he didn't give us like a grade grade kind of thing like what we get in elementary school where they correct our grammar (at least I didn't have any grade/ corrections on mine) but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten an F.

 I really want to talk to someone that I've usually talked to, but it seems like all of my friends have left and they're all at one place (no literally they are). There's this annual thing that happens towards the end of May and a lot of people end up going from all over the state that I live in and we just get to hang out and chill. It's super awesome and for a whole week! I've been the past two years...but this year since I had school and everything I wasn't able to go and you have no idea how horrible this is for me. It's only the first day, and just knowing that people are there that I haven't' seen in a year is killing me. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I will actually get to go up for one day. One day sounds super crappy but it's actually not so bad because it will be like a constant flow of people to hang out with. When you go for the week it kind of drags there towards the end, but you're always sad when it ends and you have to go home again. I guess you can say its like camping? (But not always with tents and stuff...). So I'm pretty much counting down the days until this next weekend and hoping that I get to go still and nothing happens like...sickness, lack of transportation, or just full fledged stubborn will power from someone who actually can stop me (my dad).

Well, I hope everyone (I guess here in America) has had a good Memorial weekend, and enjoys their day off tomorrow. And for everyone else (like the people in Russia) I hope you have a good up coming week! Catch you all on the flip side (:

Defeated...

 Today truthfully has been very interesting. I mean I've literally cried, laughed, blushed, have no words to having plenty of things to say. I don't really know what to feel right now at this moment, but when I look back on the events of my day...I'm just wanting to start it over and do better. I know I can't go back, and I think that main idea is killing me inside because I want so much to just redo things and rethink things. Maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't have ended the way they had if I would have changed it today...or it would have ended the same.

Defeated is the main idea of this post. I've come to realize that the one thing I've told myself for so long is the truth is ending up being a lie. You know, that weird feeling you get when you finally know the truth but you've believed a lie for so long and you don't really want to believe the truth now...because it was safer before. Yeah, it's a crappy feeling to have. I guess today has just made changes for the new future and I have no idea how to handle it, so I want to go hide away into some kind of black hole. I just want this day to end, and soon it will thankfully. (Today hasn't been the best day, so I'm sorry that this isn't really rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it's hard to keep a smile going on forever when you just want to roll over and die...)

 Today was starting out great, and I went to my second class for English this summer. I was excited because I wanted to know what kind of grade I got on my "quiz" and I actually got a 6.5 out of 5, so I was glad for that. The day was just so beautiful outside, and things were seeming great! Then, one of our assignments was to write a draft for an essay we have in the next few days. I'm not precisely the best in writing papers if I don't have anything creative to run off of, so this was torture. I literally ended up in tears knowing that this was going to be the worst essay draft I had ever written (for my first time) ever. It's almost  like cooking or drawing...you expect great things, and you end up with a huge mess and you just want to throw it all away. I was the last one to leave the class room, and I was glad that no one was there to see me with sopping wet eyes and a snotty nose. A tear had accidentally escaped and landed on one of the papers I had to hand in with my paper and I knew the teacher would know it was mine when he went back to grade it.
  I don't really know why I went in to the class feeling so confident and thinking I could take on the world just with the snap of a finger. Gosh, it's so much harder than that, and I just hope I can get through all of this...alive. It was awkward when I turned the paper in and my teacher didn't know how to react with me crying and explaining why I was crying. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights (which makes me kind of laugh now) and fumbled for encouraging words to lighten the mood that lingered in the air. I just smiled like he had done a good job and walked out with what pride I had left in tact. I thought college was going to be like all the rest, but it's much much different and not anything like what I've once known.

"There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin. There are days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain...how to survive."

-Jaci Velasquez

"On my knees" 

 

So much to do!

I hate it when I have something really important planned the next day and I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. No matter how hard I try, with music, just reading, anything...I can't do it. There's so much going on in my head, all the possibilities of things constantly floating around in my thoughts. The worst is when you have to get up really early, and you're not a morning person in the first place. That's not a good scenario to be in, but that's me tonight. Tomorrow I will be embarking on a journey to go visit my past and see all the past (but older now) faces and share memories. Graduations are always so nice, but sometimes you don't  quite know what to expect really.

There's this thing that my friends are having too at the same time as the graduation, and I feel pretty torn as to what to go to or miss out on. I wish with all of my heart I could go to both, but if I go to graduation and then get to the other thing late it just wouldn't be worth it. Going away parties, Graduations, proms, everything has been so hectic the past couple of weeks, and in two more weeks something even bigger is going to happen where hundreds of people will get together for a week and just have the time of their life. I'm excited about that, but nervous too because I just want to have a good time, and no drama. That, and school started this week, but that doesn't seem to be like such a burden as all the activities on the next few weekends/ days ahead. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and do what you can with the time that you have given. I'm thankful for my friends though and everyone that has been so supportive of my decisions, it's always nice to know someone has your back.

Well...sleep has still yet to come, but maybe I can focus on it a little better now that I've cleared some of my thoughts in this "free writing" blog that I'm making (I'm already learning stuff in English class! score!). So on this fine night, I think I shall retire, because tomorrow at 6 in the morning it is going to be hectic. VERY.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend so far, and that it keeps getting better! Catch ya on the flip side.

College days

The first time with anything is pretty much terrifying, especially if you don't know what to expect. I started my first day of COLLEGE today. It was pretty exciting, and quite interesting watching all the different types of people come together in one place and talk about themselves. With it being the first day, we really only had to read the syllabus (which we were lamely quizzed on afterwards) and just chatting and getting to know each other and our teacher. The class isn't a majoring kind of course, just a college level English class. I do believe I'm the youngest in that classroom at the moment, and the "noobie" to everything. The teacher asked if there was anyone that hadn't been to college before and if this was their first class with the college to kindly raise their hand (I was the only one...and he then awkwardly thanked me for being there).

  In the syllabus we were handed there were a list of rules, regulations to go by in emergencies, and etc. Everything was put out into words of what the upcoming Summer semester was to hold and how we'd be graded on the things we were to be assigned. My nerves were on edge when we got to the "ice breaker" part and we had to speak up front. I'm not a public speaker what so ever, I can hardly even recite a simple poem or short line in front of a small group (unless said group is a group of friends). I only had to state four facts of the person in front of me, and they were quite easy to remember but my mind froze and I held on to the notebook with a death grip. The words even began to move around a little bit and the writing was so unfamiliar I felt like I was looking at a different language. I wanted to be like the fearless nineteen year old that stood so courageous and tall, speaking with a clear accent and even making witty jokes while he spoke so beautifully. I think I was actually creating a little class room crush on him, but that's besides the point of his awesome presentation of the person next to him...all I knew was that I wanted HIM on my team/ group next time.

  Today has been pretty long, and even though I haven't hardly even started major college yet my brain is already tired. So, I'm going to wrap this up, sorry if it seems unfinished. I shall make another entry hopefully soon! I hope everyone has had a good week so far, and that it gets better as the weekend comes nearer!

That Awkward moment when...

That awkward moment when you're at a pool wearing clothes and everyone stares at you while they  sit there in their bathing suits (half naked) like you're the freak.

That awkward moment when you realize that a manican looks better in those clothes than you do....

That awkward moment when you have half a million things to say before (something important) a video chat, etc. happens and you forget everything and so you just sit there.

The awkward moment when a senior citizen knows more about and electrical device than you do

That awkward moment when your friends are standing around, then you look up and its only you and one other person you just met...and you have no idea what to say. (So you just start nodding your head, say "yep" or smile, and look around for an exit (someone you know)

That awkward moment when you find out that your crush told her/his family that you like her/him and then you feel like America's Most Wanted (or at least you know you're going to be stalked for a long time, so you have to be on good behavior.)

That extremely awkward moment when the person you like tells you about the person they like....in person.

And last but not least....

That awkward moment when you smile/ wave at a stranger and they just look at you like your and idiot.


If you guys have any "That awkward moment when.." just comment below (lets keep things clean though!) Have a good week!

Tricky....

When you have an online account, you can be anything you want to be. You can be the girl next door, a super spy, you could be a fat guy at home who posts fake pictures of himself on a dating sight so that he'll get womens attention. Like I said, you can be anything! That's kind of scary though, because whatever you are, no one else knows the difference except for you...and maybe your best friend. (Hopefully  your so said "best friend" is an actual person(s) and not a teddy bear or flying unicorn..) But why is it that we feel the need to make up fake names, or fake profiles of ourselves. To make ourselves more interesting? To keep people guessing? Or maybe its because we're afraid people won't like us for who we are.

Whatever the case may be, I believe that people should be themselves. Maybe you make a URL name so that people you know won't know who you are because you want them to get to know the real you, (because the only other way they know you is through an acquaintance.) That, and the reason being too, you want to know the real them and not what they want you to know (even though that's kind of stalker-ish). If you think about it, people will change and most of the time only want you to see what they want you to see. That's not always a good thing, because if you believe they're a certain way and you find out other wise...you wonder why the lied. No one's perfect, but we're all made equally and uniquely. Why can't we just stay that way? You don't have to lie, cheat, and steal to make friends, because if you do get friends you'll more than likely lose them when the truth comes back and hits you in the face. That goes for pretty much everything.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."- Winston Churchill

So, lets look at Mr. Churchill's words of wisdom and leave the trickery behind. Be the real you and don't let anyone stop you from shining through. Have a good rest of the week!

The truth behind likes

In this world that we live in we are all the time finding ourselves in new situations that we have never encountered before, right? So you do the best you can when you get to a point like that and learn from your mistakes. What if you have already been down that road before, or a road that looks familiar, and know whats coming and yet do it all anyway? You know the red flags coming up all around you, yet you ignore them because at the moment you don't care. The only intentions you have are the intentions to please yourself at that moment in time. You go through the motions and then, you get the fruits of your labor and it is as dark as the night.
Sometimes when we like people and we know what they are capable of we ignore it and keep going because our emotions get in the way. We always have the best intentions for ourselves not to get hurt, and we tell ourselves this and try to persuade others to believe what we've made ourselves believe. The truth of the matter is, is that if people are telling you something is wrong you should listen. Most of the time when that happens though, we don't want to listen because we're "in love" or just attached to that person so much we can't bare to imagine letting them go. Emotional attachments are sometimes the chains that hold us back, or wear us down, and the saddest part is that we have the key to let ourselves go. The fear of pain in losing the person we "love" is almost too much to bare and we don't want to think about it so we ignore it like everyone else around us trying to save us.
I've never been in real "love" before, but I have had some pretty strong feelings for guys that I have fallen hard for. The thing with this though, is that a lot of times they never liked me back so when they hurt me it was nothing to them. When they don't feel anything back for you as you feel for them, it's a different ball game. Their wants and needs seem to always come before yours, unless they become your friend and care about you that is, but usually they're selfish. In cases like this, you're better off alone, but you can't seem to get away from it. Like a drug they keep pulling you in and you become caught up in the sweet things they say or do and think that there must be something more between yourself and them. No. There never is, and the worst is when they find out and use it to their own use because they know they can control you any way they please. This goes for guys and girls, it's a disgusting sight to watch people be used and know it but not care because they're so "caught up" in someone.
The truth of the matter is, when you love someone make sure they love you too, and if you find someone doesn't care about you like you care for them then they're not worth your time. You'll be glad it's over once the pain is gone, and everything will be okay.
"We have to face the pain before we can feel the freedom." - Oneandonlymi

Chang...good or bad?

 There is a new change in my life right about now, which that shouldn't come as a surprise because change is all around us constantly. Whether in the weather or just with feelings, looks, etc. and we have to adapt right? Well I'm still new to this this idea, which it's hardly even 24 hours since the change occurred, so that should be acceptable. I guess the thing that I'm kind of weird about with this change is that when change comes it shapes peoples all around character, whether it takes a few days, months, sometimes even years. But the change is there, it has happened and now I'm wondering how its going to change the life it has occurred to and the lives around that person.
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of this, and there isn't a deal worth being made. The thing that has scared me the most about life is that when there's change, there is no going back really. You can try to imagine it or reenact whatever used to be, but it will never be what it once was. People change, grow up, and take control of their own lives. That IS technically a good thing because it shows responsibility and leadership at a certain degree and that the persons brain is developing into adult hood and they have started the now long struggle called life. Where does all of the freedom, laughter, and childish dreams go? I think most of us leave it behind in our busy life styles.
It's just when I watch the people that I've grown so close to around me changing, growing up with me, and remembering how things used to be and seemed like they would stay that way forever...I want time to freeze. I know my blog is "waiting for time" because it seems that time has all the answers (in time) and you will find why things are so at the certain place in you memory. The changes though...they happen in the present and you don't know what the future holds, and all you can do is live from day to day and take it all in.

Maybe this is just the beginning of many changes, and if people really appreciate having certain things in their lives, they will work to keep them there.

"A change is inevitable, but to decide to change is a personal decision. Then when the decision we have made  is decided, we make it a life style." -unknown.

Freaks, Fences, and Frosties

Wow! I've noticed that I've had a lot more people to start coming by and checking out my blogg! Thank you guys so much, I hope you guys keep enjoying what you read.

In other news today, everything was pretty well...normal. I say normal in a sense of nothing really much going on except for the fact that I felt like a freak for a few minutes of my life. Since it's spring time and everyone is getting out and into their gardens and have "spring fever", my family and I have created ourselves two garden areas and a flower bed. Hard work yes, worth it...totally! To add on to our newest addition (the smaller garden) we went by a place called "Tractor Supply" (yes it is a real place, look it up) and got some fence. Now I know what you're thinking, possibly a roll of fence, wooden fence, chicken wire fence? Nope. We HAD to have "cattle" fence to put around our garden. The fence which is in fact 16' (feet) long. Now lets do a quick math check. A regular size car (four door, Honda Accord model) which is bumper to bumper about 13.4 ft. long. (You get the picture?)
So with this 16 ft long piece of fence ("it had about 4in. squares to see through so we were good", said my dad) and with a few rags to keep the car from too many scratches we pilled five of these monsters onto the TOP of my car. Not a happy camper about that. Five 16 foot long pieces of fence, covering my car, bungee tied down to the car, and not liable to move an inch in any direction. Covering the tip of the hood to the curve of the trunk, and making a baracade over top of our car. The sales man had warned us about possibly being pulled over with having that fence covering the windshield, but you could see and that's all that my dad cared about. (My dad is not insane, just FYI, he's actually pretty smart and at first I thought the possibility of his sanity might be a bit unstable but he ended up proving himself in the end.)
As we drove out of the parking lot my dad picked up his half drunk Taco Bell beverage and sipped as we went down the road as if nothing in the world was different or odd about the access exterior of our car. The funniest thing of it all was that there was an actual police headquarters station right across the road from us, but they were all off on break. We drove all the way home not seeing one cop, but noticing a lot of open mouth stares as we drove by. I have to admit, if that is what being a "freak" feels like...I wouldn't mind doing that and seeing all those priceless expressions all over again.

I hope you guys have had a fabulous week and the weekend is here at last! Maybe if I don't post another blogg, I hope you all have a great weekend and I will catch you guys on the flip side!

Unproductive Day

There's so much going on in my head right now. I always hate when this happens because then I don't feel like doing anything, not even the stuff that I HAVE TO DO. I just sit around, mope, and don't know what to do with myself. I hate this so much, but I really don't know what else to do. I sound so pathetic when I write it all out, but I know I'm not the only one on this planet that feels this way. Sometimes it just seems like there's too much and I don't even want to attempt to try and do it all because I'm afraid of failure.

Hope everyone is having a better week starting out that I. This is just really crappy. I would  vent, but I don't think you would read the whole thing if I wrote my every ache and hurt, because believe me there is a lot. Stress of every day life, and with friends. Friend stress is always the worst, I think, because it hits you a little harder when they do things to themselves and you wish they wouldn't...then you never know what to say, or feel whatever you say isn't good enough or helping. Right now, I'm some what in that position, but also there's what seems to be an extremely complicated situation going on right now and a lot of confusion. So much stupid, so little time to procrastinate every day life.

Today my dad was putting water in the sink filled with dishes and puts dish soap in it...then he walks away. I guess I'm not the only unproductive one today in this house hold. If you've made it this far, thanks and thank you for reading. Hope you all have a good rest of the week and that it is very eventful/ productive and good.

Falcon Lady

My mom and I walk into a salon, keeping in mind we have never been to before, and ask for the lady whom we had talked to on the phone. Two ladies sitting and chatting on a nicely fluffed cushion stopped long enough to notice us and answer our question before they were right back at it again. My eyes drifted off into the direction the one had pointed in through the door way. The moment of truth was about to arrive and I was feeling a littler nervous.

 Hair cuts are no big thing, as long as the person cutting your hair knows what in the world they're doing. The place was nice, I had to admit. The decor looked like a big chunk of gold came in and threw up everywhere though, because everything was in some kind of gold and I knew it couldn't have been the real kind. Little chandeliers hung from the ceiling, rugs on the floor, fat cushioned chairs, and a small flat screen television in the corner. Only the two ladies were in the front room I noticed though, and wondered why there wasn't more.

 Through the door way we fixed our eyes on our hairdresser for the day. She was in her mid to late 50's and wore thick glasses that lay just below some crazy red-ish brown hair. She smiled and we stated why were there and she pointed to a couple of seats in the corner. My nerves seemed to fade a little as I watched her work on her present customer who seemed to be a regular by the way they chatted, but when they got done she didn't clean up, sweep, or anything. Ten minutes later I was in "the hot seat" and relaxed while she did her business. Facing my mom, while they conversed for a few seconds the woman walks over in a floating manner and reaches for my hair, stabbing me with her long finger nails in the neck. ouch. I blow it off and hope this isn't going to be a non-stop hacking spree at my skin as she proceeds on. 

 Her sharp talon like claws she called finger nails constantly scratched at my skin as she worked, while the comb she ran across my scalp was dug in a little too hard. She combed and I could feel hair being plucked from my scalp and became worried I wouldn't have any hair left when she got done. Five minutes later, she has trimmed and shaped as I had asked, whipping me around in the spinney chair and jerking the button on "cape" from around my neck. My mother had seen this and look a little worried as her fate lay before her. I watched as some style was being put into my moms hair and how the falcon lady's claws stroked the side of her face again and again, and the third time causing some hard squinting by my mother. An apology, and some more "fluffing" before the woman ended the torture. She bragged of her experience and cackled her shrekey laugh in delight. When all was said and done we looked the same as when we had first come in, only my mother's hair had been styled a little more than before.

 Hair still in tact, faces still whole, and only a little chunk from our wallet missing we left swearing never to return again.

 On the way home we joked about the "falcon lady" and decided that even though we were desperate for a hair cut this time, we would cut our hair ourselves if we had to next time (if in serious need) before we went back there.

"It is always good to try new things, and sometimes things are good to only try once."- unknown

Blonde moment

I have done laundry at least since I was 11 years old, so I should pretty good at it now right? (I'm a lot older now just to clarify) My busy schedule consisted of cleaning my house for the day and getting things organized before the family came home. The laundry basket was full to the gills and I fretfully separated the lights from the darks and proceeded to put the larger pile into the washing machine. Of course the next step in this process, for anyone who has done laundry before, knows that you close the door and put "laundry detergent" in (wherever its supposed to go, since washing machines are made differently, but all share the same reason of use) and then turn it on. Well...this is where I had a "blonde" moment. There were three different containers that held liquid and powder detergents that I could use for the washing machine, and the dryer. I grabbed the "fabric softener" in my absent mindedness and something inside of my head said this wasn't right. I ignored it and kept on going but knew by the color and creamy look of it...something wasn't right.
 A few seconds later I remembered that it was in fact laundry DETERGENT, and not FABRIC SOFTENER that I needed to use in the washing machine. I flew in a mad furry back to the clothes that had already started their cycle and wondered how in the world I was going to fix this. Simple, I thought, just stop it and put in real laundry detergent and bam all should be well in the world or laundry again. So, I grabbed the powder detergent, which I remembered after putting it in and starting it AGAIN, that it had to be washed with some other detergent in there and not alone. AAHHHH. The agony. Right as I was about to give up, what do I see? A beautiful large gallon jug of liquid laundry detergent that had been put out of my view and onto the dryer, which was out of place and threw me off.
 Quickly! I put the real laundry detergent into the right place, sadly with the powder still in place, and started it and sent up a little prayer of hope.

Everything seemed to be fine when I got it out of the washing machine and put it into the dryer. Just to be safe before hand though I put the cycle on extra rinse (so that in some miracle of a chance) the clothes wouldn't be super flower smelled or mutated into an angry wet laundry monster. Still with clothes tumbling in the dryer, I sit here and type this (hopefully amusing) entry and wait for the clothes to be completely done.

Thanks guys for reading my blogs! I hope you guys have a great weekend!!

Outsider

I walk through the doors and look for my place in the line. Everything has already started and I'm a little late because I was outside comforting a friend.

There is a look going around as if I had been secretly banned from this fellowship,

like I wasn't good enough to be here with them.

I walk past the tables.

I take my seat and try not to look around because I know they are watching me.

Their eyes are like cold metal against my warm heart and I want to scream at them all for judging me.

Why do they not understand?

Couldn't they listen?

No. It would be pointless.

They will never understand.

Never.

My main goal is to stay hidden from the world.

The few that find my strengths and praise me for it shall truly be the ones I love.

Because they first loved me, they have always loved me for who I am and given me a home here.

For those who don't know, who will never give me a chance.

They shall miss out.

On everything.

These are a few thoughts, being an outsider. Felt majorly like an outsider today, and it was in a place that I have grown up in too. People are hypocrites and judgmental (and I know I am too, but I want to give everyone a chance before I judge them). So lets think about how we're treating people when we see them, be careful what you say because it always makes a big impact (whether positive or negative).

 Have a good week.  

Roller Coaster

My last blog was about how distressed I was and how everything seemed to be going wrong. Now everything seems so perfect, but bitter-sweet. Our everyday relationships with the people that we have around us and talk about everything too seem to be what we base our lives one right? Just can't seem to be 100% happy if that person isn't happy? Yeah. I know what you mean. Bitter-Sweet.

There isn't much to say today/tonight, just that there is a some what bright side once you get up at the top of your hill of horrors. Just have to keep moving and not stop, because if you stop you may slide back or stop forever. (Even thought it seems like the easiest or best thing to do at the moment.) Like Dori said in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimin'. Just keep swimin'. Just keep swimin' swimin' swimin' " :) You'll get there soon. When you do. Take a deep sigh and smile.

Confusion

Have you ever felt so confused you just wanted to scream? That's where I'm at right now....

I melt the mini M&M's on my tongue and try to calm myself as I think of my problems. There seems to be a time in people life where things are so wonderful all at once, and then so horrible all at once. Whether your problems in life are with family, or with friends. Life seems like it decides to pile up all your mistakes, burdens, and  worries and then let them all out at once (with a shot of surprise), and watch you lie in the puddle of misfortune that it has thrown your way.

We can set ourselves up for misfortune. I believe that, but I also know that tragedies/ failures/ horrors can happen out of our hands too. The world decides that what they do will not effect others. Wrong. What we do from day to day can ruin ourselves and others around us. (I'm sorry this isn't supposed to be a guilt trip, I'm just talking it out into reality). So what we do does effect ourselves and others around us, okay you get it.

Well, right now I'm just really upset with the promises that have been broken, words that weren't meant to be kept, and watching the people I love fall to their knees in despair because of the hurt that they feel. I'm becoming one of them its seems. We all get that way every once in a while, and some stay that way all of their life. (This is really crappy of me to have my first two blogs about world hurt/ suffering only after the first opening blog huh. Believe me, I didn't plan it this way, it just kind of happened.)

Confusion when you have these feelings of regret, hurt, anger, and mistrust can cause you to want to do many things. I suggest just going outside and sitting (go to your happy place if not outside) and just chill. Sometimes it helps right away, some times it takes a little while, maybe a few times before you can get over it and willing to talk to someone. Anger eats at our hearts like a evil (fill in the blank) and it won't leave you alone. So chill, think it out, talk it out (because communication is key) and try to get all the pieces to your puzzle before you assume the worst. If the worst is to be assumed...then scream. yell. Do what you need to do to get it all out and move on.

(Dang this got really long, my apologies) Hope you all have a good week

Funeral

Today I went to a funeral. It was for a dear old lady that had lost her fight with life, but left a memory in all of our hearts. The death wasn't unseen for her future, so when the news came we all just kind of gave it that solemn face that we all get when we go to a funeral. We give our condolences to the family and make our way down the line. I've been on both sides of that line, the one that is giving the condolences and the one that is receiving them. So I know what exactly the thought process is of the whole thing, and it all seems to be the same.

My apologies for such a sobering and dull subject, but I just wanted to say something about it because it was on my mind. I won't go on much further than this, because there are other things to do. One thing that is always the same at funerals though is that that is one of the main times that people ever see each other. Whether it being the first time in a few days, months, even years and beyond. Makes me wonder why we put off such relationships while everyone is fine and living, and then wish he had had more time with the person lost or forgotten.

I challenge you today, like many other challenges you have more than likely been given, to make every second count with the people that mean the most to you. Every second of the day can't be spent with them, that's a given, but putting an effort into telling someone you "love them" and "care for them" is going to be an effort well worth your time.

R.I.P. to the dear old lady that will always live in the hearts and minds of everyone that loved her

New Blogger

Greetings Readers!

Welcome to my very first blog! Totally exciting right?? (not really) That's okay though, today is a fresh new day. So many things to do, so little time to do it in. Struggles of life haven't ceased/ taken a break just because you had to take your nightly siesta, but that's okay! Because today is a new day, and you chose who you're going to be. (Excuse my over excitement)

For those of you who have given my little blog a chance at being read, I thank you. I hope to be seeing more of you (even though I can't literally see you, but you can see me!). Like I said before, I've never had a blog before so I'm really new at this, but my curiosity was triggered when reading a college students blog just the other day. How elegantly she created her paragraphs and put such heart into everything she wrote. It was truly beautiful (No joke, I had literal tears in my eyes) and with that I decided that I wanted to create a blog too.

I know what you're thinking. Just because someone made something so elegant and creative doesn't mean that there is some chance in the world that I can be like that, and I agree with you. To try and copy someone else's work will only lead to disappointment because you didn't make it your own. So, I am making this my own, with some advice/inspiration by other blogs. And I just got a total mental block so I'm going to end this before I go into something totally off topic (if I haven't already).

Hope everyone has a great weekend/week and I will see you on the flip side!