SURPRISE!

I have been battling this monster assignment (I'm a newbie to college so this assignment was monster to me) for the past two days and felt that I couldn't win what so ever. THEN, out of no where from working on it for so long my professor graded what I already had and gave me a C+. I am super excited about this because I've never been extremely awesome in academic things, or anything really, but when I saw that I got an 83 on my History assignment (with those butt whopping 5 essays) I was pleasantly surprised.
 I guess now that I have that done I can read for the next two chapters and get ready for my English class tomorrow! I'm so excited now, and I feel like I can do this but it will be hard work and discipline like everyone had always said. (I never doubted them, but I needed to find out for myself just how much discipline I was going to need.) Now with this out of the way, my other problems don't seem so magnified anymore and I can focus on what I need to do and my priorities before anything else. I guess college isn't so horrible after all. (:

History, School, and etc.

 History kicked my butt tonight. Like seriously it seems so easy to read it, but then when you have to read all that butt load of stuff AND remember every little thing too. Like certain things I remember but like other things that were so small and insignificant on paper are like little ants to me and I don't focus on them then forget it. Come exam time, I figure I'll just cry and remember as much as I possibly can. I don't hardly cry ever, like I actually thought I didn't have any tear ducts for a while, but then after last week on Monday...crying over that stupid draft, I've found myself crying over little things. Being emotional sucks sometimes, just when your emotions like want to take over your whole being and you're just like stuck in the moment or something. Yeah, it's been crazy.  This weekend was great, to a certain degree, and crazy too...sorry no stories this time ha-ha. (I'm not really being a "correct writer" right now because like I said, History kicked my butt...and hard. Sorry too if I'm saying "like" a lot.)

 So, sitting here knowing I haven't made any entry in a while, I guess I should say that I was beast in my essay on Wednesday. Compared to my draft (that I cried over), I actually really worked hard on getting valuable information for my essay and I think it worked out great. I walked away feeling really confident again, but not overly confident. The teacher was even slightly surprised yet pleased that I hadn't burst into tears again. That and our teacher spilled coffee on our draft papers, and he didn't give us like a grade grade kind of thing like what we get in elementary school where they correct our grammar (at least I didn't have any grade/ corrections on mine) but I'm pretty sure I would have gotten an F.

 I really want to talk to someone that I've usually talked to, but it seems like all of my friends have left and they're all at one place (no literally they are). There's this annual thing that happens towards the end of May and a lot of people end up going from all over the state that I live in and we just get to hang out and chill. It's super awesome and for a whole week! I've been the past two years...but this year since I had school and everything I wasn't able to go and you have no idea how horrible this is for me. It's only the first day, and just knowing that people are there that I haven't' seen in a year is killing me. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I will actually get to go up for one day. One day sounds super crappy but it's actually not so bad because it will be like a constant flow of people to hang out with. When you go for the week it kind of drags there towards the end, but you're always sad when it ends and you have to go home again. I guess you can say its like camping? (But not always with tents and stuff...). So I'm pretty much counting down the days until this next weekend and hoping that I get to go still and nothing happens like...sickness, lack of transportation, or just full fledged stubborn will power from someone who actually can stop me (my dad).

Well, I hope everyone (I guess here in America) has had a good Memorial weekend, and enjoys their day off tomorrow. And for everyone else (like the people in Russia) I hope you have a good up coming week! Catch you all on the flip side (:

Defeated...

 Today truthfully has been very interesting. I mean I've literally cried, laughed, blushed, have no words to having plenty of things to say. I don't really know what to feel right now at this moment, but when I look back on the events of my day...I'm just wanting to start it over and do better. I know I can't go back, and I think that main idea is killing me inside because I want so much to just redo things and rethink things. Maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't have ended the way they had if I would have changed it today...or it would have ended the same.

Defeated is the main idea of this post. I've come to realize that the one thing I've told myself for so long is the truth is ending up being a lie. You know, that weird feeling you get when you finally know the truth but you've believed a lie for so long and you don't really want to believe the truth now...because it was safer before. Yeah, it's a crappy feeling to have. I guess today has just made changes for the new future and I have no idea how to handle it, so I want to go hide away into some kind of black hole. I just want this day to end, and soon it will thankfully. (Today hasn't been the best day, so I'm sorry that this isn't really rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it's hard to keep a smile going on forever when you just want to roll over and die...)

 Today was starting out great, and I went to my second class for English this summer. I was excited because I wanted to know what kind of grade I got on my "quiz" and I actually got a 6.5 out of 5, so I was glad for that. The day was just so beautiful outside, and things were seeming great! Then, one of our assignments was to write a draft for an essay we have in the next few days. I'm not precisely the best in writing papers if I don't have anything creative to run off of, so this was torture. I literally ended up in tears knowing that this was going to be the worst essay draft I had ever written (for my first time) ever. It's almost  like cooking or drawing...you expect great things, and you end up with a huge mess and you just want to throw it all away. I was the last one to leave the class room, and I was glad that no one was there to see me with sopping wet eyes and a snotty nose. A tear had accidentally escaped and landed on one of the papers I had to hand in with my paper and I knew the teacher would know it was mine when he went back to grade it.
  I don't really know why I went in to the class feeling so confident and thinking I could take on the world just with the snap of a finger. Gosh, it's so much harder than that, and I just hope I can get through all of this...alive. It was awkward when I turned the paper in and my teacher didn't know how to react with me crying and explaining why I was crying. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights (which makes me kind of laugh now) and fumbled for encouraging words to lighten the mood that lingered in the air. I just smiled like he had done a good job and walked out with what pride I had left in tact. I thought college was going to be like all the rest, but it's much much different and not anything like what I've once known.

"There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin. There are days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain...how to survive."

-Jaci Velasquez

"On my knees" 

 

So much to do!

I hate it when I have something really important planned the next day and I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. No matter how hard I try, with music, just reading, anything...I can't do it. There's so much going on in my head, all the possibilities of things constantly floating around in my thoughts. The worst is when you have to get up really early, and you're not a morning person in the first place. That's not a good scenario to be in, but that's me tonight. Tomorrow I will be embarking on a journey to go visit my past and see all the past (but older now) faces and share memories. Graduations are always so nice, but sometimes you don't  quite know what to expect really.

There's this thing that my friends are having too at the same time as the graduation, and I feel pretty torn as to what to go to or miss out on. I wish with all of my heart I could go to both, but if I go to graduation and then get to the other thing late it just wouldn't be worth it. Going away parties, Graduations, proms, everything has been so hectic the past couple of weeks, and in two more weeks something even bigger is going to happen where hundreds of people will get together for a week and just have the time of their life. I'm excited about that, but nervous too because I just want to have a good time, and no drama. That, and school started this week, but that doesn't seem to be like such a burden as all the activities on the next few weekends/ days ahead. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and do what you can with the time that you have given. I'm thankful for my friends though and everyone that has been so supportive of my decisions, it's always nice to know someone has your back.

Well...sleep has still yet to come, but maybe I can focus on it a little better now that I've cleared some of my thoughts in this "free writing" blog that I'm making (I'm already learning stuff in English class! score!). So on this fine night, I think I shall retire, because tomorrow at 6 in the morning it is going to be hectic. VERY.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend so far, and that it keeps getting better! Catch ya on the flip side.

College days

The first time with anything is pretty much terrifying, especially if you don't know what to expect. I started my first day of COLLEGE today. It was pretty exciting, and quite interesting watching all the different types of people come together in one place and talk about themselves. With it being the first day, we really only had to read the syllabus (which we were lamely quizzed on afterwards) and just chatting and getting to know each other and our teacher. The class isn't a majoring kind of course, just a college level English class. I do believe I'm the youngest in that classroom at the moment, and the "noobie" to everything. The teacher asked if there was anyone that hadn't been to college before and if this was their first class with the college to kindly raise their hand (I was the only one...and he then awkwardly thanked me for being there).

  In the syllabus we were handed there were a list of rules, regulations to go by in emergencies, and etc. Everything was put out into words of what the upcoming Summer semester was to hold and how we'd be graded on the things we were to be assigned. My nerves were on edge when we got to the "ice breaker" part and we had to speak up front. I'm not a public speaker what so ever, I can hardly even recite a simple poem or short line in front of a small group (unless said group is a group of friends). I only had to state four facts of the person in front of me, and they were quite easy to remember but my mind froze and I held on to the notebook with a death grip. The words even began to move around a little bit and the writing was so unfamiliar I felt like I was looking at a different language. I wanted to be like the fearless nineteen year old that stood so courageous and tall, speaking with a clear accent and even making witty jokes while he spoke so beautifully. I think I was actually creating a little class room crush on him, but that's besides the point of his awesome presentation of the person next to him...all I knew was that I wanted HIM on my team/ group next time.

  Today has been pretty long, and even though I haven't hardly even started major college yet my brain is already tired. So, I'm going to wrap this up, sorry if it seems unfinished. I shall make another entry hopefully soon! I hope everyone has had a good week so far, and that it gets better as the weekend comes nearer!

That Awkward moment when...

That awkward moment when you're at a pool wearing clothes and everyone stares at you while they  sit there in their bathing suits (half naked) like you're the freak.

That awkward moment when you realize that a manican looks better in those clothes than you do....

That awkward moment when you have half a million things to say before (something important) a video chat, etc. happens and you forget everything and so you just sit there.

The awkward moment when a senior citizen knows more about and electrical device than you do

That awkward moment when your friends are standing around, then you look up and its only you and one other person you just met...and you have no idea what to say. (So you just start nodding your head, say "yep" or smile, and look around for an exit (someone you know)

That awkward moment when you find out that your crush told her/his family that you like her/him and then you feel like America's Most Wanted (or at least you know you're going to be stalked for a long time, so you have to be on good behavior.)

That extremely awkward moment when the person you like tells you about the person they like....in person.

And last but not least....

That awkward moment when you smile/ wave at a stranger and they just look at you like your and idiot.


If you guys have any "That awkward moment when.." just comment below (lets keep things clean though!) Have a good week!

Tricky....

When you have an online account, you can be anything you want to be. You can be the girl next door, a super spy, you could be a fat guy at home who posts fake pictures of himself on a dating sight so that he'll get womens attention. Like I said, you can be anything! That's kind of scary though, because whatever you are, no one else knows the difference except for you...and maybe your best friend. (Hopefully  your so said "best friend" is an actual person(s) and not a teddy bear or flying unicorn..) But why is it that we feel the need to make up fake names, or fake profiles of ourselves. To make ourselves more interesting? To keep people guessing? Or maybe its because we're afraid people won't like us for who we are.

Whatever the case may be, I believe that people should be themselves. Maybe you make a URL name so that people you know won't know who you are because you want them to get to know the real you, (because the only other way they know you is through an acquaintance.) That, and the reason being too, you want to know the real them and not what they want you to know (even though that's kind of stalker-ish). If you think about it, people will change and most of the time only want you to see what they want you to see. That's not always a good thing, because if you believe they're a certain way and you find out other wise...you wonder why the lied. No one's perfect, but we're all made equally and uniquely. Why can't we just stay that way? You don't have to lie, cheat, and steal to make friends, because if you do get friends you'll more than likely lose them when the truth comes back and hits you in the face. That goes for pretty much everything.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."- Winston Churchill

So, lets look at Mr. Churchill's words of wisdom and leave the trickery behind. Be the real you and don't let anyone stop you from shining through. Have a good rest of the week!