Defeated...

 Today truthfully has been very interesting. I mean I've literally cried, laughed, blushed, have no words to having plenty of things to say. I don't really know what to feel right now at this moment, but when I look back on the events of my day...I'm just wanting to start it over and do better. I know I can't go back, and I think that main idea is killing me inside because I want so much to just redo things and rethink things. Maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't have ended the way they had if I would have changed it today...or it would have ended the same.

Defeated is the main idea of this post. I've come to realize that the one thing I've told myself for so long is the truth is ending up being a lie. You know, that weird feeling you get when you finally know the truth but you've believed a lie for so long and you don't really want to believe the truth now...because it was safer before. Yeah, it's a crappy feeling to have. I guess today has just made changes for the new future and I have no idea how to handle it, so I want to go hide away into some kind of black hole. I just want this day to end, and soon it will thankfully. (Today hasn't been the best day, so I'm sorry that this isn't really rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it's hard to keep a smile going on forever when you just want to roll over and die...)

 Today was starting out great, and I went to my second class for English this summer. I was excited because I wanted to know what kind of grade I got on my "quiz" and I actually got a 6.5 out of 5, so I was glad for that. The day was just so beautiful outside, and things were seeming great! Then, one of our assignments was to write a draft for an essay we have in the next few days. I'm not precisely the best in writing papers if I don't have anything creative to run off of, so this was torture. I literally ended up in tears knowing that this was going to be the worst essay draft I had ever written (for my first time) ever. It's almost  like cooking or drawing...you expect great things, and you end up with a huge mess and you just want to throw it all away. I was the last one to leave the class room, and I was glad that no one was there to see me with sopping wet eyes and a snotty nose. A tear had accidentally escaped and landed on one of the papers I had to hand in with my paper and I knew the teacher would know it was mine when he went back to grade it.
  I don't really know why I went in to the class feeling so confident and thinking I could take on the world just with the snap of a finger. Gosh, it's so much harder than that, and I just hope I can get through all of this...alive. It was awkward when I turned the paper in and my teacher didn't know how to react with me crying and explaining why I was crying. He looked at me like a deer in the headlights (which makes me kind of laugh now) and fumbled for encouraging words to lighten the mood that lingered in the air. I just smiled like he had done a good job and walked out with what pride I had left in tact. I thought college was going to be like all the rest, but it's much much different and not anything like what I've once known.

"There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin. There are days when I feel I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain...how to survive."

-Jaci Velasquez

"On my knees"