The Christmas Break

Now is the time where everyone is finally free from all the stress of school, and the stress of holiday greetings and "gay happy meetings" can occur.

This year hasn't been too stressful, although I do celebrate Christmas and all, it hasn't felt very Christmas-y. Other than the fact that every time I go over to my best friends house she has decorations everywhere, except for her room I just realized, and has Christmas music blaring in her car. Her family is very festive and cheerful around this time of year.

I've been visiting with them for the last couple of days this week/weekend, and it's been quite enjoyable.

We got to see the hobbit  and some other uncanny creatures at the theater. Haha, and we spent a day in the rain while I played as the third-wheel. (On the bright side, the dude had a heart and bought both mine and my best friends dinner...of course he didn't have to, but it was kind of a packaged deal.)

The best part about this weekend was Ashville. We went up into the mountainous regions and took a tour of some large houses, and got to enjoy a really great gingerbread house competition. The children's houses were quite cute and comical, and really creative as well. Then the adult gingerbread houses were decked out to the very detail. So many details, it had to of taken them months to create it. Can you even imagine the stress, not to mention the blood, sweat and tears!

Truthfully, the week started out great, then weakened and became almost a cry fest, but wound itself back up to the top again in the end. I swear, teenage girls and idiotic teenage boys should not know of each others existence until a specific age. Maybe that's a bit over rated, but it would cut down on the "boy drama" quite and bit and no girls would be cat fighting over who the boy likes better.

"O if only in a fairy tale..."

So, here I am. Sitting in my freezing room not really waiting or planning for anything on this wet and dreary Christmas Eve. I've already seen it snow once, but none of it stuck to the ground to create a winter wonderland. I wasn't too disappointed, because snow comes and goes just like people. It's in its own form. Some you see plainly, and others are hidden away in the mix of all the rest. Little white crystals of snow.

Well, whatever you celebrate, or even if you don't, I hope you all have a very wonderful day today and tomorrow. And I will catch you all on the flip side! :)

Personal Poem

Everyone Wants A Piece of Me

Everyone wants a piece of me,

Everyone wants to know

just how much I love them,

but it's hard to tell you so;

The heart that beats within me

is hard, scared, and cracked;

with a few missing pieces 

that I'm never getting back;

So I lay here cold and lonely,

thinking about of all your names

and how you cry yourselves to sleep

in horrors you shall never speak

I am not the friend I should be,

I'm selfish and I'm mean,

but love is all I want

and i want to give you the same ;

 I'm gritty and independent,

because that's the way I was raised

Trust no one, not even yourself 

and this will be what stays;

The best has still yet to come

among the bitter cold of the night

so we lean on one another

and hold each other tight.

Everyone wants a piece of me,

but truthfully I declare

there's nothing much to take

except for this tattered heart in disrepair. 

Rambling about life

Hello to the people who actually read this. I hope you are all doing well. I've been quite the busy bee here lately with going on Finals week and meeting new people. I've finally come to the realization that even though  you have a class that you hate at first, and it's difficult, you some how end up making bonds with people in the process and then you don't want the school semester to be over. It's really hard and sad when you finally find a class that you feel like you're a part of and can act yourself in, and they don't say  much to tear you down. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not used to getting attached to these people the way that I have, and I feel this pain in my chest when I realize I won't be seeing some of them again for either eternity, or at least for a few months.

 Things are funny in the way that they change. I'm still pretty young, in my last year of being a literal teen and not really sure where I'm going with my life. Sometimes I wish I could be old and full of intelligence but still have my youthful look so then I could be smart, pretty, and no have to worry about doing stupid things. I could life a pretty perfect life and not have to worry about anything too badly. Alas, I am not old, so I go from day to day tripping over my own two feet and wishing I knew better or how to handle things in a more graceful way.

Apologies, I'm going off on a rambling spree, if you wish to read on, then go for it, but if not you should stop here. Just saying.

So school is changing and the people are coming and going who are in my classes and soon to be in my classes. The only class that isn't slow enough for you to get really used to someone is math. Math changes every month where you either pass what you have "learned" or you fail and take it again, but the sucky thing is that you can't have more than three shots at passing it or else.....something happens, I'm not sure what. Supposedly my school is the first to try this new method out and then next fall other schools will take this up (I'm not sure about this information so if you are in a community college, this could be a false alarm or a warning...)

Now for the juicy stuff. I've met a very intelligent, very attractive, funny, sweet guy and he's pretty awesome. We hit it off pretty great, and for once this "like" is on a two-way street! I'm just as amazed as you are. I never thought I would ever attract anyone really, I'd just grow old with a bunch of cats or dogs, but I guess fate has something planned for me. I guess it just goes to show you that things can happen, you just have to get out there and meet new people, and boy am I glad I met him. We've been chatting off and on, and even cuddled and hugged, nothing crazy or PG-13. Just taking it slow, and I like this, it's nice having the feeling of being wanted by someone. It's hard though being rescued when you've always rescued yourself. Being the interdependent woman that I've become isn't a bad thing, but it can cause me to push people away when they get too close.

Yep, I guess we all have our issues that we're trying to get through, and hopefully there is someone there to be with you and help you get through them too.  I wish the best for you all, in good health and if you celebrate Christmas, a very Merry Christmas to you!

I'll catch you all on the flip side.

If only to feel that happiness again

What do you do when you hit that time in your life where you don't know anything about yourself, all of your life goals, beliefs, and traditions are gone. You're just here, but you don't know what to do with yourself. You live from day to day and some how every now and again get up the courage to try to make yourself better, but that only ends up in a routine or a failure just like everything else. You want something different but how different do you really want to be? If we do things that are odd beyond the ways of man we are judged, criticized, and mocked because of our differences. It then doesn't seem to matter on our personality, traits or if we're a good person or not because we're now titled as "freaks". 

Well you know what, I am attempting to become a freak. I've always been different, personality wise, from others but most everyone's always liked me. I sometimes wonder if I can really accept the fact that if I become this "freak" how people will take me. Things wont be the same...things will never be the same after this. The thing of the matter is though, is that there's something dying inside of me and I want to change it, something yearning to be filled with life and happiness. I've felt that happiness once before and the only way that I can get it back is through having a real relationship with God. What I don't understand is how we can all have the same God in heaven, but we all have to worship Him differently. Look, I'm not looking to be a "christian" like everyone else, but I'm looking to be a child of God. 

I know that there's a manual for how to live, and that's the Bible. It's easy to do our own thing because its comfortable, but are you really happy....and if so, for how long? This is something of a challenge to go against our human nature to follow the manual, but I've seen people who live by it, and let me tell you there's something really amazing about the love in their hearts. I want that love and I want to feel that happiness again.

"For every saint there's a past, and for every sinner a future"