If only to feel that happiness again

What do you do when you hit that time in your life where you don't know anything about yourself, all of your life goals, beliefs, and traditions are gone. You're just here, but you don't know what to do with yourself. You live from day to day and some how every now and again get up the courage to try to make yourself better, but that only ends up in a routine or a failure just like everything else. You want something different but how different do you really want to be? If we do things that are odd beyond the ways of man we are judged, criticized, and mocked because of our differences. It then doesn't seem to matter on our personality, traits or if we're a good person or not because we're now titled as "freaks". 

Well you know what, I am attempting to become a freak. I've always been different, personality wise, from others but most everyone's always liked me. I sometimes wonder if I can really accept the fact that if I become this "freak" how people will take me. Things wont be the same...things will never be the same after this. The thing of the matter is though, is that there's something dying inside of me and I want to change it, something yearning to be filled with life and happiness. I've felt that happiness once before and the only way that I can get it back is through having a real relationship with God. What I don't understand is how we can all have the same God in heaven, but we all have to worship Him differently. Look, I'm not looking to be a "christian" like everyone else, but I'm looking to be a child of God. 

I know that there's a manual for how to live, and that's the Bible. It's easy to do our own thing because its comfortable, but are you really happy....and if so, for how long? This is something of a challenge to go against our human nature to follow the manual, but I've seen people who live by it, and let me tell you there's something really amazing about the love in their hearts. I want that love and I want to feel that happiness again.

"For every saint there's a past, and for every sinner a future"