A box of paint sits at my side. Not just one primary color, or two or three, we're talking a full pack of twenty four colors. Including glitter paint. Last night I took down all of the pictures and art that I had put up over the year as a symbol of creating a new space for my mind to run to when I get scared or am reminded of this year. I want to take the paint box and create the starry night on my walls, but I'm unsure of my capabilities to be quite honest.
My walls are bare, and at the moment I like them that way. It makes me feel like I finally can see what I've been hiding paper in front of this entire time. A lot of missing places from where I have torn down posters or pictures. Tape residue on the walls. It's all bare, and it makes me think of how my heart must look like sometimes. Bare and nothing special, although in a sense it has all of the remaining places where things used to be. The tape, dark places of graphite, or even where something has rubbed the walls and made it turn another color. Chips, retouched areas with a tone just a slight bit off from the original color. I'ts the little things that you really have to look at in order to see. The little things that I have done to my wall, and the places that I have hid for nearly a year now.
When I say that I represent this wall as my heart I mean that everything I have done to this wall shows. Everything that has happened this year is still showing on my heart. And above anything else, I want to paint over it all, just creating some beautiful recreation of a master piece that is symbolic to me. Something that means new life. I have a box of paint sitting beside me, and each color is so beautiful in it's own way. It can help me create so many wonderful things, and I have the greatest feeling that the paint and I, will be the best of friends.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
End of December
I can't say that I'm sad to see this year end. To say the least it has been a horrible year. Over all I am grateful for my health and my parents still being around. Other than that though...it's been rough. A recap of it all...
January: The best month of the year...it was really nice.
February : I found love and betrayal
March : The angriest I had ever been in my entire life
April : Still so angry but just wanting to finish school...
May : The best last Saturday of my life
June : The wort first Saturday of my life
July : Depression coma
August : I turned 20
September : Fall semester started and it was intimidating
October : Still angry and being reminded of things over and over again
November : Things were getting better by the week
December : I have a new appreciation for my family and my true friends <3
I've grown a lot this year. Not really in physical stature but in mental understanding and wisdom. I made it through five classes, thanks to not having a social life. I made more promises to myself than I'd like to admit about never getting hurt again, but good people helped me break them. Throughout all of the bad I still found good, and sometimes good found me. Out of all the bad endings I still remember the good beginnings. It all is determined on your understanding and view of life. This year really wasn't easy, and I know others have had it a lot worse off. This is my life though, and I'm not comparing myself next to anyone really because everyone has their own journey to go on, so just keep that in mind before you call names or judge me in any way. I'm on my journey, and I'm glad this year is over.
Next year...I'm not really sure what next year holds truthfully. My dad is going to possibly have surgery in a month or so. He's not in the best conditions to go through a surgery, especially now that he's older. It scares me and yet I've prepared myself for his death for a while now. I know that sounds horrible, but you must understand that my dad is my world, although it doesn't sound like it by me saying that I'm "preparing myself" it's just something I have to think about and do or else when the time comes I wont be ready to say good-bye. I know I can never be fully ready to say good-bye to the man who raised me, but we all have to start some where or else we're just never going to adjust to reality. Maybe that's just me though. Anyway, he's also been having stroke like symptoms and I dread the day that I wake up one morning to the sound of my mothers weeping and knowing in my heart that he's gone.
Next year I really hope better things happen. I want my dad to be okay. There's something else too...there's kind of a guy. He's sweet and I feel safe around him. Given the previous situations I've been in before I can valch for him by saying his pretty safe. He's a boy no doubt, but he's more genuine than most that I've seen around. He doesn't seem to be recognized for his gifts nearly as much as he should be. He doesn't get as much appreciation as he should...at least I don't think he does. Oh well, so there is a boy now. He's not here to stay necessarily but he makes me glad that he's around. That's the nice thing about beginnings...they always leave you hoping for something good to happen, and usually good things do happen...it's just the end that sucks. I've wondered why some people are in my life for merely days, weeks, months...and others are there in my life for nearly 8 years. I try not to forget all of the people that I have met. All of them have a purpose, whether they mean to or not. All of them are important. I think the thing that I've learned the most from school life is that you can never judge people on their size or appearance. A lot of people are the way they act, and if you watch them long enough you can see who they are. I made a pretty nice hand full of friends who I hope to see next semester.
Although the year started out great and got worse and worse, it ended on a good note. I read today that December is a month to tie up loose ends and put away all hate and anger from this year so that you can start fresh and new for the next. I agree. Everyone should at least try to make amends if they know that it is possible. I also know too that sometimes people are so bitter and heart broken that they can't make amends with themselves or others so the year ends and they keep pulling around the weight of the world on their shoulders thinking that someone else holds the key. You want to know a secret? You hold the key to you own demise. You hold the key to your own happiness. It's an inside job to be happy, and it takes time...but you most certainly can do it if you put your mind to it.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that the new year is better than you could ever imagine :) Catch you all on the flip side.
January: The best month of the year...it was really nice.
February : I found love and betrayal
March : The angriest I had ever been in my entire life
April : Still so angry but just wanting to finish school...
May : The best last Saturday of my life
June : The wort first Saturday of my life
July : Depression coma
August : I turned 20
September : Fall semester started and it was intimidating
October : Still angry and being reminded of things over and over again
November : Things were getting better by the week
December : I have a new appreciation for my family and my true friends <3
I've grown a lot this year. Not really in physical stature but in mental understanding and wisdom. I made it through five classes, thanks to not having a social life. I made more promises to myself than I'd like to admit about never getting hurt again, but good people helped me break them. Throughout all of the bad I still found good, and sometimes good found me. Out of all the bad endings I still remember the good beginnings. It all is determined on your understanding and view of life. This year really wasn't easy, and I know others have had it a lot worse off. This is my life though, and I'm not comparing myself next to anyone really because everyone has their own journey to go on, so just keep that in mind before you call names or judge me in any way. I'm on my journey, and I'm glad this year is over.
Next year...I'm not really sure what next year holds truthfully. My dad is going to possibly have surgery in a month or so. He's not in the best conditions to go through a surgery, especially now that he's older. It scares me and yet I've prepared myself for his death for a while now. I know that sounds horrible, but you must understand that my dad is my world, although it doesn't sound like it by me saying that I'm "preparing myself" it's just something I have to think about and do or else when the time comes I wont be ready to say good-bye. I know I can never be fully ready to say good-bye to the man who raised me, but we all have to start some where or else we're just never going to adjust to reality. Maybe that's just me though. Anyway, he's also been having stroke like symptoms and I dread the day that I wake up one morning to the sound of my mothers weeping and knowing in my heart that he's gone.
Next year I really hope better things happen. I want my dad to be okay. There's something else too...there's kind of a guy. He's sweet and I feel safe around him. Given the previous situations I've been in before I can valch for him by saying his pretty safe. He's a boy no doubt, but he's more genuine than most that I've seen around. He doesn't seem to be recognized for his gifts nearly as much as he should be. He doesn't get as much appreciation as he should...at least I don't think he does. Oh well, so there is a boy now. He's not here to stay necessarily but he makes me glad that he's around. That's the nice thing about beginnings...they always leave you hoping for something good to happen, and usually good things do happen...it's just the end that sucks. I've wondered why some people are in my life for merely days, weeks, months...and others are there in my life for nearly 8 years. I try not to forget all of the people that I have met. All of them have a purpose, whether they mean to or not. All of them are important. I think the thing that I've learned the most from school life is that you can never judge people on their size or appearance. A lot of people are the way they act, and if you watch them long enough you can see who they are. I made a pretty nice hand full of friends who I hope to see next semester.
Although the year started out great and got worse and worse, it ended on a good note. I read today that December is a month to tie up loose ends and put away all hate and anger from this year so that you can start fresh and new for the next. I agree. Everyone should at least try to make amends if they know that it is possible. I also know too that sometimes people are so bitter and heart broken that they can't make amends with themselves or others so the year ends and they keep pulling around the weight of the world on their shoulders thinking that someone else holds the key. You want to know a secret? You hold the key to you own demise. You hold the key to your own happiness. It's an inside job to be happy, and it takes time...but you most certainly can do it if you put your mind to it.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that the new year is better than you could ever imagine :) Catch you all on the flip side.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
EXAMS!
EXAMS
So my fate has finally come.
Exams week for this week and the next.
We're talking about math, photography Photoshop, photography portrait, English Business Research, and Walking for Fitness.
A lot of information that is needed to be known, and the only two classes that I know I'm safe in are portrait and photo shop class. Well math too I guess...although my teacher sucks. Well, over coming all of this stress and pressure of academic due dates I'm doing pretty well. Next semester I've decided to only go as a part time student rather than full time so that I can focus on my other classes that I need to graduate. Yuck on that, but it's what needs to be done. Also, I need to help support my family now more than ever, so this is another reason why I'm going part time for school next semester. I just have to find a job first though -.- That's the only annoying part. Resume's, interviews, phone calls, sucking up, and getting where I need to go. Maybe not to that extent, but I have to be above and beyond anyone else to make any kind of impart on my future employer ;) (maybe I have learn something in English)
Photography classes are pretty easy, and my last final few projects are nearly done. Photoshop has over all been my favorite. English is going to kick my ass, I'm sure of it, and walking is mainly just about heart rate, training heart rate zone and what not's. The entire class split off into groups to create power points that have information on the exam, so notes will be taken and studied for this. Plus it's online test, as most of them are now, so it should be all good :)
I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be (or as I should be?) I feel pretty confident. I've been taking notes and keeping my grades above a C average, so I think I can do this. Next semester is going to be a breeze compared to this one. Maybe. (Digital Imaging II will be more fast pace, and a different teacher. Plus more things to retain in your brain than the basics.) Also I'll be taking a Personal Finance class, he-he fun fun fun. (sarcasm)
Well I guess that is all for now on school talk. Nothing is ending the way I thought it would, but it's kind of better than what I thought it would be. I made friends in my fitness class, and I've learned a lot more in English than I thought I could because there have been at least 200 power points we went over this semester...OK maybe not that many but it's def. felt like it!
So my fate has finally come.
Exams week for this week and the next.
We're talking about math, photography Photoshop, photography portrait, English Business Research, and Walking for Fitness.
A lot of information that is needed to be known, and the only two classes that I know I'm safe in are portrait and photo shop class. Well math too I guess...although my teacher sucks. Well, over coming all of this stress and pressure of academic due dates I'm doing pretty well. Next semester I've decided to only go as a part time student rather than full time so that I can focus on my other classes that I need to graduate. Yuck on that, but it's what needs to be done. Also, I need to help support my family now more than ever, so this is another reason why I'm going part time for school next semester. I just have to find a job first though -.- That's the only annoying part. Resume's, interviews, phone calls, sucking up, and getting where I need to go. Maybe not to that extent, but I have to be above and beyond anyone else to make any kind of impart on my future employer ;) (maybe I have learn something in English)
Photography classes are pretty easy, and my last final few projects are nearly done. Photoshop has over all been my favorite. English is going to kick my ass, I'm sure of it, and walking is mainly just about heart rate, training heart rate zone and what not's. The entire class split off into groups to create power points that have information on the exam, so notes will be taken and studied for this. Plus it's online test, as most of them are now, so it should be all good :)
I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be (or as I should be?) I feel pretty confident. I've been taking notes and keeping my grades above a C average, so I think I can do this. Next semester is going to be a breeze compared to this one. Maybe. (Digital Imaging II will be more fast pace, and a different teacher. Plus more things to retain in your brain than the basics.) Also I'll be taking a Personal Finance class, he-he fun fun fun. (sarcasm)
Well I guess that is all for now on school talk. Nothing is ending the way I thought it would, but it's kind of better than what I thought it would be. I made friends in my fitness class, and I've learned a lot more in English than I thought I could because there have been at least 200 power points we went over this semester...OK maybe not that many but it's def. felt like it!
Monday, December 2, 2013
The Princess and the Frog (revised short story)
I want to tell you a story that seems to never really ever end. The story about the princess and the frog. It's not the normal story, it's more of a realistic tale. Slimy frog and a princess with a father that wanted only the best for his daughter, always. She grew up fast and was always taught to mind her manners and watch her tongue. She wanted to be free, and one day she found her chance at freedom, but rather than seeing it for what it was she rather hastily looked it over with disgust. Warts and slime, he didn't have much to prove for himself. They met on a sunny day in the woods. He was tall and slender like a green been, and she wanted nothing to do with him. As fate would have it, they bickered and fought but their paths kept meeting that day and they eventually traveled together through the forest. When reaching the deepest darkest part he drew his sword and the princess laughed in mockery. A slender boy with a sword no bigger than him? How did he even carry it around without falling over it constantly? But he held his temper and stayed in front to protect the princess.
The sky grew darker as they walked farther. Strange noises began to arise from around them, and the princess grew scared. She would never admit being scared, but she wished she had gone another path or not went out at all. They were lost, cold, and now venturing in the dark with a sword, noises, and a boy as skinny as a rail for protection. Alas, the noises grew louder behind them. The boy put out his arm to pass by the princess to stand between her and the beast. Their hearts were pounding and breath became harder to breathe. Now they were sensitive to ever sound around them, feeling caged and exposed. A figure appeared from the brush a yard away, but it was only a dark form. The young lad yelled to the figure to present itself before him, but it nearly stood and stared without a flinch.
The two travelers were not much apart in age, but they were from two completely different ways of life. He worked in the mines with his father and brothers. Soot under his finger nails, filth in his hair, and the sweat that lined his back brought on the illusion of slime oozing from his pores. The princess had been brought up without work, without much that she didn't need or ask for. She wasn't a greedy princess, she knew when to ask and when not to ask for things. Her father, the king, was a very humble man and loved his people, but never was afraid to say no. In all actuality their families neither loathed nor adored each other. They had never met, but today seemed to have other plans in store for their future.
Grabbing a match from her small pocket, the princess grabbed a branch with leaves and lit it on fire. The boy became alarmed at the fire and began to raise his voice when he began slowly understanding her reasons. Without a word he moved forward with her close behind to light their path towards the beast that had been staring at them. A frog. A loud screeching frog at that, but it was merely a frog. The extra shadow giving it height was an illusion from some bushes, but now that they knew what it was they felt safe enough to travel on. Making camp here wasn't going to be an option until they could find a clearing. A field, a barn, anything that wasn't the hundred acre woods of horror. The burning sprig was nearly out by the time of arrival to a large open field. They made camp, or what they though could be declared as camp, and rested. Each one watch for an hour for any unwanted company as their ancestors had taught them. Slowly neither were at watch after the moon rose to the middle of the sky, and they drew close for warmth.
The boy woke first, and what he saw when he woke surprised him. Laying close was the princess. Her long locks of hair softly cuddling around her head acting as a pillow. Her soft face, the face that looked much different than when she was awake. She was beautiful. Surprisingly. Very beautiful. He caught himself in mid reach to stroke the hair from her cheek, and shook his head. What a fool, he thought. Moving away from her to the other side of the fire he lay down again and pretend to sleep as to not wake her or allow her knowledge of their sleeping closely. When she woke she rose to her feet in seconds. Looking around dazed an slightly confused she looked around at the ground and then at him. Good, she thought, he kept his distance.
Morning broke into the sky in a bright ray of colors. They had already set off on their journey again. This time it wouldn't take another day to reach their destination. The village was just beyond the hills ahead. They arrived at the outer gates of the village and she stopped him. He looked at her, she caught this new look and it burned in her mind. She thought he must be sick, or just tired and not thinking correctly. She explained to him why no one could know of their journey together, and he agreed. They went their separate ways each to their own homes. One to a castle that looked over all the land, and the other to a small village cottage that only had the view of mud and poverty.
But they never forgot.
The sword. The frog. The moon.
He worked and thought of the way she slept, her face, and her beauty.
She went to her lessons and wondered what that look in his eye really meant.
They could feel it. In their souls. Fate.
The sky grew darker as they walked farther. Strange noises began to arise from around them, and the princess grew scared. She would never admit being scared, but she wished she had gone another path or not went out at all. They were lost, cold, and now venturing in the dark with a sword, noises, and a boy as skinny as a rail for protection. Alas, the noises grew louder behind them. The boy put out his arm to pass by the princess to stand between her and the beast. Their hearts were pounding and breath became harder to breathe. Now they were sensitive to ever sound around them, feeling caged and exposed. A figure appeared from the brush a yard away, but it was only a dark form. The young lad yelled to the figure to present itself before him, but it nearly stood and stared without a flinch.
The two travelers were not much apart in age, but they were from two completely different ways of life. He worked in the mines with his father and brothers. Soot under his finger nails, filth in his hair, and the sweat that lined his back brought on the illusion of slime oozing from his pores. The princess had been brought up without work, without much that she didn't need or ask for. She wasn't a greedy princess, she knew when to ask and when not to ask for things. Her father, the king, was a very humble man and loved his people, but never was afraid to say no. In all actuality their families neither loathed nor adored each other. They had never met, but today seemed to have other plans in store for their future.
Grabbing a match from her small pocket, the princess grabbed a branch with leaves and lit it on fire. The boy became alarmed at the fire and began to raise his voice when he began slowly understanding her reasons. Without a word he moved forward with her close behind to light their path towards the beast that had been staring at them. A frog. A loud screeching frog at that, but it was merely a frog. The extra shadow giving it height was an illusion from some bushes, but now that they knew what it was they felt safe enough to travel on. Making camp here wasn't going to be an option until they could find a clearing. A field, a barn, anything that wasn't the hundred acre woods of horror. The burning sprig was nearly out by the time of arrival to a large open field. They made camp, or what they though could be declared as camp, and rested. Each one watch for an hour for any unwanted company as their ancestors had taught them. Slowly neither were at watch after the moon rose to the middle of the sky, and they drew close for warmth.
The boy woke first, and what he saw when he woke surprised him. Laying close was the princess. Her long locks of hair softly cuddling around her head acting as a pillow. Her soft face, the face that looked much different than when she was awake. She was beautiful. Surprisingly. Very beautiful. He caught himself in mid reach to stroke the hair from her cheek, and shook his head. What a fool, he thought. Moving away from her to the other side of the fire he lay down again and pretend to sleep as to not wake her or allow her knowledge of their sleeping closely. When she woke she rose to her feet in seconds. Looking around dazed an slightly confused she looked around at the ground and then at him. Good, she thought, he kept his distance.
Morning broke into the sky in a bright ray of colors. They had already set off on their journey again. This time it wouldn't take another day to reach their destination. The village was just beyond the hills ahead. They arrived at the outer gates of the village and she stopped him. He looked at her, she caught this new look and it burned in her mind. She thought he must be sick, or just tired and not thinking correctly. She explained to him why no one could know of their journey together, and he agreed. They went their separate ways each to their own homes. One to a castle that looked over all the land, and the other to a small village cottage that only had the view of mud and poverty.
But they never forgot.
The sword. The frog. The moon.
He worked and thought of the way she slept, her face, and her beauty.
She went to her lessons and wondered what that look in his eye really meant.
They could feel it. In their souls. Fate.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!
I've meant to write about school life, but my emotional state of mind has gotten things blocked up for the past 5 months or so. This summer was pretty rough, and I'll be glad to see this year end so that I can forget all the things that have happened, but I just wanted to write down a few of the things that have happened this semester since it's almost gone.
In the last beats of summer I was glad to be able to get ready for school. I registered myself online and had a schedule of 5 classes a week. Four on Monday and Wednesday, two on Tuesday and Thursday, and three classes for Friday. At first I thought I would be really overwhelmed but it all worked out some how. Mainly I believe that since I put myself in with a fitness class it separated me from my other mental classes. Having mentally challenging classes and one physically challenging class has actually been my savior this semester. At first I tried to drop out of it, and then I found out I had to wear gym clothes and get new walking shoes and I thought I was out. My teacher is a really spiritual woman though, and she wasn't about to lose faith in me. Eventually I found a few clothing items I could wear for exercising/ walking and got a new pair of walking shoes.
I signed up for a math classes, and failed. I was signed up for a math classes under the math I had failed and dreaded it. My two teachers that I've had this semester have been really sweet and helpful. The first math wasn't my teachers fault, I just got things mixed up, but I could the work for the most part. Words. Words keep tripping me up, which is weird since I'm something of a writer. I guess I just think that math should be in number form and English should have words.Speaking of English, I'm taking a research business class. My teacher is really cool. She says gravy...and only she can get away with saying because she is so cool. She says "gravy" like it's a question. As if to say "everyone understand?". I thought it was lame at first, but I've gotten used to her I guess. Over the semester she's shared a bit about her past jobs and a tiny bit about her personal life and I find her really strong and courageous. She's a single mom. She has tattoos. She can write any kind of business letter, proposal, memo, anything! She's a total bad ass, but you would NEVER be able to tell by just looking at her. She has the tattoo of a manatee on her ankle and it's pretty sweet. She has to wear sweaters and long sleeved shirts to hide her others and keep it professional, but she just has this kick ass attitude like she can do anything she sets her mind to, and it's absolutely wonderful.
Lastly, Photography. Dun Dun DUUNN. Yes, I am still in photography. Why? Well, when I was shopping once with my dad in wal-mart over the summer my previous photography teacher came walking up to me with a big gallon jug of coffee grounds and just started talking about photography with me. He started telling me how he really hoped that I didn't quit because I had an eye, and what I could see was something of a gift and that it was really hard to teach to people who didn't have it. So I stayed. I signed in to a portrait and photo shop class, and by far I have loved photo shop more than all my other classes. I guess because of the computer and creative freedom. We restored an old picture of a couple and their grandson from the 1950's and it was pretty sweet. Our final project is supposed to be a poster, so I'm pretty pumped about it. In portraiture, it's a night mare and a fun thing to do all at once. The assignments and getting models is the nightmare part. Once you get into the studio and get everything working properly and have good lighting, then you are totally set! The best part about this class is that I have nearly everyone I have ever went to class with before in this class :D So all of my peers from before, and it's awesome. When I first walked in I was so excited and I sat next to the guy from the first semester that called me "new girl" and we've been becoming chummy every since. For some reason he keeps calling me "french fry" and he finally admitted today that it was because of the pick up line "hey you want some fry's with that shake?"...so I was kind of embarrassed but it was funny at the same time. Then he called me white bread. It makes me laugh. He's been the only thing kind of keeping me sane in this class, so days when he doesn't show up is always a major bummer.
Anyway, this is pretty much what has been going on lately. Hate that its been this long that I haven't posted anything about my school stuff. Nothing too important I guess, but it is originally why I made this blog, but oh well :) "I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!" -Olan Rogers. <<<< Check that guy out if you don't know who he is. He's awesome.
Whelp that's all for now. I will catch you all on the flip side! Hope you've had a wonderful weekend and guess what day it is??? HUMP DAY!
In the last beats of summer I was glad to be able to get ready for school. I registered myself online and had a schedule of 5 classes a week. Four on Monday and Wednesday, two on Tuesday and Thursday, and three classes for Friday. At first I thought I would be really overwhelmed but it all worked out some how. Mainly I believe that since I put myself in with a fitness class it separated me from my other mental classes. Having mentally challenging classes and one physically challenging class has actually been my savior this semester. At first I tried to drop out of it, and then I found out I had to wear gym clothes and get new walking shoes and I thought I was out. My teacher is a really spiritual woman though, and she wasn't about to lose faith in me. Eventually I found a few clothing items I could wear for exercising/ walking and got a new pair of walking shoes.
I signed up for a math classes, and failed. I was signed up for a math classes under the math I had failed and dreaded it. My two teachers that I've had this semester have been really sweet and helpful. The first math wasn't my teachers fault, I just got things mixed up, but I could the work for the most part. Words. Words keep tripping me up, which is weird since I'm something of a writer. I guess I just think that math should be in number form and English should have words.Speaking of English, I'm taking a research business class. My teacher is really cool. She says gravy...and only she can get away with saying because she is so cool. She says "gravy" like it's a question. As if to say "everyone understand?". I thought it was lame at first, but I've gotten used to her I guess. Over the semester she's shared a bit about her past jobs and a tiny bit about her personal life and I find her really strong and courageous. She's a single mom. She has tattoos. She can write any kind of business letter, proposal, memo, anything! She's a total bad ass, but you would NEVER be able to tell by just looking at her. She has the tattoo of a manatee on her ankle and it's pretty sweet. She has to wear sweaters and long sleeved shirts to hide her others and keep it professional, but she just has this kick ass attitude like she can do anything she sets her mind to, and it's absolutely wonderful.
Lastly, Photography. Dun Dun DUUNN. Yes, I am still in photography. Why? Well, when I was shopping once with my dad in wal-mart over the summer my previous photography teacher came walking up to me with a big gallon jug of coffee grounds and just started talking about photography with me. He started telling me how he really hoped that I didn't quit because I had an eye, and what I could see was something of a gift and that it was really hard to teach to people who didn't have it. So I stayed. I signed in to a portrait and photo shop class, and by far I have loved photo shop more than all my other classes. I guess because of the computer and creative freedom. We restored an old picture of a couple and their grandson from the 1950's and it was pretty sweet. Our final project is supposed to be a poster, so I'm pretty pumped about it. In portraiture, it's a night mare and a fun thing to do all at once. The assignments and getting models is the nightmare part. Once you get into the studio and get everything working properly and have good lighting, then you are totally set! The best part about this class is that I have nearly everyone I have ever went to class with before in this class :D So all of my peers from before, and it's awesome. When I first walked in I was so excited and I sat next to the guy from the first semester that called me "new girl" and we've been becoming chummy every since. For some reason he keeps calling me "french fry" and he finally admitted today that it was because of the pick up line "hey you want some fry's with that shake?"...so I was kind of embarrassed but it was funny at the same time. Then he called me white bread. It makes me laugh. He's been the only thing kind of keeping me sane in this class, so days when he doesn't show up is always a major bummer.
Anyway, this is pretty much what has been going on lately. Hate that its been this long that I haven't posted anything about my school stuff. Nothing too important I guess, but it is originally why I made this blog, but oh well :) "I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!" -Olan Rogers. <<<< Check that guy out if you don't know who he is. He's awesome.
Whelp that's all for now. I will catch you all on the flip side! Hope you've had a wonderful weekend and guess what day it is??? HUMP DAY!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Growing Up
People say a lot of things.
"Get out of my way"
"Go away"
"You can do this"
"You're a failure"
"I hate you"
Whether negative or positive, no matter what people say there is still a purpose for your life here on this planet.
I've read a quote before and it went a little something like, "Everyone on this planet is here for a reason. Everyone is in the place that they are, for a specific reason to fill the world. With being in this place of their main purpose, they are set as a puzzle piece that is put together and makes up a missing piece to bring together the puzzle of the world and make it a whole." It's a pretty powerful statement, and I agree with that, but a lot of people throw words around and forget the effects that it can cause in someone's mind and later their life.
Beginning something new is always tricky, especially if you're the kind of person that I am with wanting to plan this all the time ahead of time. You want to know the weather so you can plan your outfit for the day, you want to know who you'll possibly see, and who you'll meet up with. You do all that you can to make sure you have a good day and do good deeds to keep things on a positive note. Yeah? Yeah. Well, with the beginning I still think I don't have a purpose in this world. I'm getting older and older and there still seems to be nothing good enough for me to do in order to keep my head afloat in this dog eat dog world. I'd like to study art and become a painter, or photographer, or even maybe write a book. I want to be creative and have adventures and fall in love. I want to make a spot on this planet that I can call mine, and people will know my name...but I don't even know how to do taxes or make any kind of transaction. I don't speak business and I'm a failure at trying to understand what people are intending in the long run. There's a lot in my mind swirling around, but mainly I feel like I'm just an ant among thousands of moths, butterflies, and spiders.
I told my mom that I wanted to become an artist and her response was "oh, and are you going to be a starving artist?" and I told her yes. I meant what I said, and she apologized for her rash behavior a few days later once she thought about it, but it still lies inside of my head beating against the walls of my mind. Be a happy, but starving artist...or become something other people want me to be. Art is my comfort, my vent, my everything really. I feel a lack of talent when I observe others and so I refer back to the "starving artist" comment and believe that I can never get anywhere in life. I'm starting my Sophomore year in College. Somewhere I read that the word "sophomore" is a word mashed together originally stated as a "sophisticated moron", and I can believe that. Maybe I don't have to know everything at nearly 20, maybe I don't have to have it all figured out, but when I look back it seems as though everything should have been already laid out in front of me. Everyone else is already out there, working, relationships, even children. I've lived in the same house sleeping in the same room for nearly 18 years, and so I ask myself "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!" I just don't add up to what people think I should be. I'm not what I thought I would become, and nothing is making sense anymore. I'm waiting for that "ah-ha" moment, but I fear it won't be until I'm nearly 40 before that actually hits, and by then I may be homeless because my parents died or couldn't support me any longer. Okay, maybe I'm being a little too dramatic, but it does feel like I'm just going to be a grown child some day with no knowledge of how to care for myself what so ever. It's pathetic because I should have so much more knowledge that I do. I'm sick and tired of this feeling of needing other peoples help because I have no idea what to do. Makes me want to punch something in the throat...okay not really but I AM really irritated with life and the road I'm on.
In the beginning of this post I mainly had the sole purpose to just say that you shouldn't let people get you down because all of my life I've always been taught to look for other peoples approving of my deeds as to whether or not I was doing it right. I did that in school, I did that at home, and I did that at my very first job. I never went anywhere without someone telling me what to do or how to do it. Today people expect you to do jobs on your own and catch on quickly and to know whether you're doing things correctly. It's a lot of pressure to grow up trying to please everyone and then once you're finally 20 you realize that you still look for everyone's approval when you do things and having that satisfying feeling of actually doing something right, and if you do it wrong then you want to end it all and never try again. Maybe I'm a "special" kind of person, I don't know...I feel like I'm different. Normal, but different. Sometimes there just isn't something right about me. Maybe I'm just lazy and want the easy way out though...maybe that's it.
"Get out of my way"
"Go away"
"You can do this"
"You're a failure"
"I hate you"
Whether negative or positive, no matter what people say there is still a purpose for your life here on this planet.
I've read a quote before and it went a little something like, "Everyone on this planet is here for a reason. Everyone is in the place that they are, for a specific reason to fill the world. With being in this place of their main purpose, they are set as a puzzle piece that is put together and makes up a missing piece to bring together the puzzle of the world and make it a whole." It's a pretty powerful statement, and I agree with that, but a lot of people throw words around and forget the effects that it can cause in someone's mind and later their life.
Beginning something new is always tricky, especially if you're the kind of person that I am with wanting to plan this all the time ahead of time. You want to know the weather so you can plan your outfit for the day, you want to know who you'll possibly see, and who you'll meet up with. You do all that you can to make sure you have a good day and do good deeds to keep things on a positive note. Yeah? Yeah. Well, with the beginning I still think I don't have a purpose in this world. I'm getting older and older and there still seems to be nothing good enough for me to do in order to keep my head afloat in this dog eat dog world. I'd like to study art and become a painter, or photographer, or even maybe write a book. I want to be creative and have adventures and fall in love. I want to make a spot on this planet that I can call mine, and people will know my name...but I don't even know how to do taxes or make any kind of transaction. I don't speak business and I'm a failure at trying to understand what people are intending in the long run. There's a lot in my mind swirling around, but mainly I feel like I'm just an ant among thousands of moths, butterflies, and spiders.
I told my mom that I wanted to become an artist and her response was "oh, and are you going to be a starving artist?" and I told her yes. I meant what I said, and she apologized for her rash behavior a few days later once she thought about it, but it still lies inside of my head beating against the walls of my mind. Be a happy, but starving artist...or become something other people want me to be. Art is my comfort, my vent, my everything really. I feel a lack of talent when I observe others and so I refer back to the "starving artist" comment and believe that I can never get anywhere in life. I'm starting my Sophomore year in College. Somewhere I read that the word "sophomore" is a word mashed together originally stated as a "sophisticated moron", and I can believe that. Maybe I don't have to know everything at nearly 20, maybe I don't have to have it all figured out, but when I look back it seems as though everything should have been already laid out in front of me. Everyone else is already out there, working, relationships, even children. I've lived in the same house sleeping in the same room for nearly 18 years, and so I ask myself "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!" I just don't add up to what people think I should be. I'm not what I thought I would become, and nothing is making sense anymore. I'm waiting for that "ah-ha" moment, but I fear it won't be until I'm nearly 40 before that actually hits, and by then I may be homeless because my parents died or couldn't support me any longer. Okay, maybe I'm being a little too dramatic, but it does feel like I'm just going to be a grown child some day with no knowledge of how to care for myself what so ever. It's pathetic because I should have so much more knowledge that I do. I'm sick and tired of this feeling of needing other peoples help because I have no idea what to do. Makes me want to punch something in the throat...okay not really but I AM really irritated with life and the road I'm on.
In the beginning of this post I mainly had the sole purpose to just say that you shouldn't let people get you down because all of my life I've always been taught to look for other peoples approving of my deeds as to whether or not I was doing it right. I did that in school, I did that at home, and I did that at my very first job. I never went anywhere without someone telling me what to do or how to do it. Today people expect you to do jobs on your own and catch on quickly and to know whether you're doing things correctly. It's a lot of pressure to grow up trying to please everyone and then once you're finally 20 you realize that you still look for everyone's approval when you do things and having that satisfying feeling of actually doing something right, and if you do it wrong then you want to end it all and never try again. Maybe I'm a "special" kind of person, I don't know...I feel like I'm different. Normal, but different. Sometimes there just isn't something right about me. Maybe I'm just lazy and want the easy way out though...maybe that's it.
Monday, October 7, 2013
A tear for the wounded solider
Today I held the door open for a man with a walking problem.
This doesn't seem like much, and maybe it was even a bit awkward or embarrassing for the man to have the door held open for him, but there wasn't anyone else around and he obvious would have needed help. I made the offer but when first attempting the doors straight ahead he kindly declined and told me he could just use the handicap button that would open the doors for him. Well, he walked and I went on my way after responding with a positive message of hoping he had a good rest of the day. He then realized that he would be coming the same way that I was after all to the class that he needed to be in. So again, I began to offer him my help, but wearily looked around for a handicap button that would be easily acceptable to reach. When I realized that this other side of the building didn't have one, I began the motions all over again to offer holding the door open for him again. He realized the same thing I had realized, and humbly accepted my offer. When waiting with the door open for him I watched as he painfully took one step after another, dragging the front of his left foot a little. I began feeling awkward as he had been speaking but I couldn't hear him because I had been staring. I then felt that he had realized my staring and he himself felt awkward as well. I thought that my over all effort of trying to treat another human being like they were respected and like they were cared for had failed. He slowly made his way, although I think he was trying to go as fast as he could possibly go to keep me from waiting, and once inside he stopped on the rug to wipe off his feet and the bottoms of the walking sticks he used. My heart absolutely burst at the sight of him trying to drag his foot along beside him, but what really got me was when he mentioned "I'm still learning".
At his comment of "I'm still learning" I at first assumed he was talking about going to class and being in school, but then I realized that he hadn't been like this his whole life. At one point he was able to walk around freely and effortlessly. He could run and jump. He could do whatever his heart desired, but now he was still that same man but with a body that couldn't move as fast as it once did. He was still so young, and after he made his comment and walked in on the rug and struggled with getting the bottom of his left foot wiped off from the water that had puddled on the side walk from the rain that morning, I realized that he could be at home. He could be at home that very moment feeling sorry for himself. He could be at home or even dead because he thought life wasn't worth living any longer, but he wasn't. He was still going day after struggling day. I'm sure there are days where he wants to scream and cry because he's so fed up with his body not moving the way he wants it to or the way it used to move...but he moves on and keeps his head up so strong.
My heart broke into a million pieces as I analyzed how the mans life must be. From getting dressed to trying to keep your head up while walking through the halls of school. Watching other people walk around you as if you're a road block. It would be infuriating and unfair, and not even to mention the ass holes that think its their job to tease and mock you while you struggle with each step further and further in the day. My God my heart ached. Not because of his inability to function as easily as the rest necessarily, but the fact that he goes through every day knowing it's going to be a battle while the rest of us can function properly and complain as if we have lost everything.
Today friends I helped a man that made me feel humble, and grateful for what I do have. If I could give him my own leg to better help him then I would, but I believe some people are stronger than others and that that man is very strong. Not only in will power but in faith.
This doesn't seem like much, and maybe it was even a bit awkward or embarrassing for the man to have the door held open for him, but there wasn't anyone else around and he obvious would have needed help. I made the offer but when first attempting the doors straight ahead he kindly declined and told me he could just use the handicap button that would open the doors for him. Well, he walked and I went on my way after responding with a positive message of hoping he had a good rest of the day. He then realized that he would be coming the same way that I was after all to the class that he needed to be in. So again, I began to offer him my help, but wearily looked around for a handicap button that would be easily acceptable to reach. When I realized that this other side of the building didn't have one, I began the motions all over again to offer holding the door open for him again. He realized the same thing I had realized, and humbly accepted my offer. When waiting with the door open for him I watched as he painfully took one step after another, dragging the front of his left foot a little. I began feeling awkward as he had been speaking but I couldn't hear him because I had been staring. I then felt that he had realized my staring and he himself felt awkward as well. I thought that my over all effort of trying to treat another human being like they were respected and like they were cared for had failed. He slowly made his way, although I think he was trying to go as fast as he could possibly go to keep me from waiting, and once inside he stopped on the rug to wipe off his feet and the bottoms of the walking sticks he used. My heart absolutely burst at the sight of him trying to drag his foot along beside him, but what really got me was when he mentioned "I'm still learning".
At his comment of "I'm still learning" I at first assumed he was talking about going to class and being in school, but then I realized that he hadn't been like this his whole life. At one point he was able to walk around freely and effortlessly. He could run and jump. He could do whatever his heart desired, but now he was still that same man but with a body that couldn't move as fast as it once did. He was still so young, and after he made his comment and walked in on the rug and struggled with getting the bottom of his left foot wiped off from the water that had puddled on the side walk from the rain that morning, I realized that he could be at home. He could be at home that very moment feeling sorry for himself. He could be at home or even dead because he thought life wasn't worth living any longer, but he wasn't. He was still going day after struggling day. I'm sure there are days where he wants to scream and cry because he's so fed up with his body not moving the way he wants it to or the way it used to move...but he moves on and keeps his head up so strong.
My heart broke into a million pieces as I analyzed how the mans life must be. From getting dressed to trying to keep your head up while walking through the halls of school. Watching other people walk around you as if you're a road block. It would be infuriating and unfair, and not even to mention the ass holes that think its their job to tease and mock you while you struggle with each step further and further in the day. My God my heart ached. Not because of his inability to function as easily as the rest necessarily, but the fact that he goes through every day knowing it's going to be a battle while the rest of us can function properly and complain as if we have lost everything.
Today friends I helped a man that made me feel humble, and grateful for what I do have. If I could give him my own leg to better help him then I would, but I believe some people are stronger than others and that that man is very strong. Not only in will power but in faith.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Where does the time go?
I don't even know anymore what's going on. I just live from one day to the next in a sea of people that I barely recognize. At one point I knew their names and their faces were so fresh and young. They would smile at me and say hello, and all would be well in my soul. Now we walk past and they barely even cast a glance in my direction. Their bodies are older. Their faces are older. Some are covered in scars or makeup. Hair is different, and there is a lack of zest for life in their eyes. The look like their parents. The look like adults. How did we get this way? When did it happen? Is there any way to take back the time and go back to the better days? How? I think that has been the question man has asked since he was born and became older. How do you take back time?
It seems like such a simple thing. Time. But truthfully, every second you are writing your own biography through actions and thoughts. You are writing yourself into other peoples minds. Sometimes they forget you after years pass, and other times they can't stop remembering. Hearts can be broken by harsh words and smiles can be given through acts from the heart. Throughout, no matter what you do you will give out both. Whether you mean to or not. This is just life.
Write your story.
Live life your best.
Don't waste time.
It seems like such a simple thing. Time. But truthfully, every second you are writing your own biography through actions and thoughts. You are writing yourself into other peoples minds. Sometimes they forget you after years pass, and other times they can't stop remembering. Hearts can be broken by harsh words and smiles can be given through acts from the heart. Throughout, no matter what you do you will give out both. Whether you mean to or not. This is just life.
Write your story.
Live life your best.
Don't waste time.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Accidentally on Purpose
My eyes feel like sand paper. I'm exhausted but I wear a smile on my face feeling extremely happy about being able to let someone in to see the real me. You see I go around trying to pretend like everything's okay and like I have everything under control. The truth is that usually I'm okay but there is still a lot of baggage that I'm carrying from all the years of my life time. I've been called a "tough cookie", but also the girl with the big "golden heart". To be a mix of both I believe shows character and courage, and without it you would just be a tough cookie not giving a damn about anyone or anything anymore.
My post is getting mixed up in signals. My mind is getting foggy, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you because tonight I have realized that I'm really not alone, and thank you because there are a lot of people trying to help me realize that I don't have to rule the world at only 20. That it's okay to not know where I'm going for the new few years, but to look forward and try to make something of myself as I go and grow into someone and something. Truly I think that people sometimes live their entire lives not knowing exactly what they want to be or where they want to go, but once they reach a certain point in their lives they look back and realize that they've been making a name and history for themselves this entire time and that what they've done and how they've lived hasn't been such a bad life. Experiences make us grow, and no matter how old we are we will never stop learning.
You can quote me.
My post is getting mixed up in signals. My mind is getting foggy, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you because tonight I have realized that I'm really not alone, and thank you because there are a lot of people trying to help me realize that I don't have to rule the world at only 20. That it's okay to not know where I'm going for the new few years, but to look forward and try to make something of myself as I go and grow into someone and something. Truly I think that people sometimes live their entire lives not knowing exactly what they want to be or where they want to go, but once they reach a certain point in their lives they look back and realize that they've been making a name and history for themselves this entire time and that what they've done and how they've lived hasn't been such a bad life. Experiences make us grow, and no matter how old we are we will never stop learning.
You can quote me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Community College Life
Walking down the side walks I hear the cars blasting music from their stereos, and the smell of tobacco as the go by. Slowing down only for speed bumps but taking off when in the clear. It makes you feel self conscious like someone is sneaking up behind you and going to attack at any second while you back is turned towards the cars slowing for their fifth speed bump. Sometimes the music is so loud and so vulgar that you wish you could just cover your ears to keep from listening to it's filth.
Walking into buildings and looking around you see people on a mission from either class to car or car to class. No one really stops to really look at you or even acknowledge your existence unless they know you, and in my case no one really knows me. I'm an invisible girl that dresses causal, really plain I guess as they would call it, and not many people see casual as a good thing. The mix of cultures, faces and colors is intriguing and you never know what kind of person you'll be sitting next to in class in the beginning of the summer. You'll never know what kind of teacher that you'll have, or whether they'll give you slack on important things of if they'll be Satan and kick you around for everything you do wrong. The majority of the classes I've ever been in have been very quiet and patient with lectures. No one talks much so getting through question and answer time is rather quick. The majority of the people that I meet are not like myself, they are just different and have their own world to tend to. Their own worries and burdens.
Walking down the halls you look into the classrooms at peering faces. They look at you as you pass, and only to see you walking by for merely a second. Some faces are familiar but others are just a blur that merge into the blur of other faces. Some faces stick out though, whether more attractive, or more undetermined. Some faces look angry, sad, or even anxious. The majority of the faces that you see will not be smiling at you when you walk past, that is one thing that is for certain. You pass and if you are not in that class then you are not welcomed in by any means necessary! Not that you would want to anyway.
The best feeling though is walking into a classroom where you belong. On the first day of walking in you always have that fear of being in the wrong place and missing your second chance of getting to the right destination. Then there too is the embarrassment of being in a room full of strangers staring at you while you try to figure out with the teacher where exactly you need to be. Once you find your place you're usually set for the rest of that class. The best feeling is knowing that you have one spot and that hopefully no matter what that spot will always be yours. What sucks is when your spot gets taken and you have to find a new one, but that's whatever as long as you get to sit next to a nice or attractive person. In my cause I usually get to keep my seats.
People on campus are strange and mad at all times of the day. It's a "mad house" trying to find a parking spot to the point of literally almost fighting for a place like bumper cars. The worst is where one car broke down and has been sitting there for nearly three semesters and takes up TWO parking spaces. As if parking places weren't hard enough to find. There have been at least three or four times that I've been tempted to park next to the rust old ruin but the wheel is literally over the freaking line! So it's nearly impossible unless you're riding a bike/motorcycle.
The different styles that people come out with are strange and interesting too. Some outfits do NOT need to be seen in public, where others should been worn more often. There too is the different styles where it's not really different as it is "a trend" and everyone is wearing it. College is no better than high school when it comes to shorty shorts and t-shirts with hair pulled back and buns on top of girls heads. Guys still stroll around in their gym clothes or attempt to be "pimpin'" and have their pants around their lower waist waddling from one place to the other. Then there's the pretty boys that walk around in their dockers or toms. These boys are the nicest to look at though because they are well groomed and smell nice, but usually they don't have much of a personality. Then there's all of the redneck kids. Cameo. Cameo everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I personally haven't been in the honey house AKA the student lounge to observe the student behavior, but I assume that it's no different than what it was last year. Everyone was sectioned off in their ethnic groups and everyone looked at each other daring the other to come over if they wanted trouble. Usually the Asians would bring their electronics or portable gaming devices and chill in the corner in a group and there was always one guy with a guitar. Only once did I ever see one person who looked like they belonged but obviously didn't. It was a white guy with lightly yellowed-tanned skin and dyed black hair that seemed to fit in to the group at a far, but when you looked closely he just had 'white guy' written all over him.
In the middle of everything were the black folk. They always circled around lying and sitting with each others company. Mainly girls on boys laps, boys playing music, or people just laughing loudly at something secret. When one laughed they all laughed, and it was loud and roared through the whole building. It always caused a bunch of looks from all around. People wondering what was so funny, but just as soon as the laughter began it would stop and be quiet again with rap/hip hop playing in the background.
Even the white people would segregate off with their own kind. Athletes with athletes, unless there was a strange connection other wise. Nerds with nerds talking about video games and characters in fictional things. Guys and girls sitting all around on the couches that were "together" whether officially or not sitting around holding hands and leaning on each other. Then there were the loners that always sat alone doing home work, or even the ones that just sat and chilled listening to music. Or the smart-ass that had to go bug the other people down in the middle of everything trying to fit in or make a point, but that usually only got them majorly dissed because they were trying too hard. And then I realize..we're not that different. All of us. We're a lot alike. We just want to fit in and not look out of place. We just want to be comfortable with the people we're around and we don't want to be judged. We want to make others laugh and we want to be thought of in a good way.
Over all college is just..college. It's not a university setting with lots of bright people in smart uniforms with large vocabularies. Not many people are "well-to-do" in a money sense. They all just are there to better their lives, save some money, and move forwards. Some ARE quite frightening to be around or to have drive by you, but eventually you either ignore them or get used to the idea of their existence along with yours on the same campus. You do a lot of walking, but sometimes it makes for good stories that you get to tell later when you experience those things. If you're a writer that is of course.
Walking into buildings and looking around you see people on a mission from either class to car or car to class. No one really stops to really look at you or even acknowledge your existence unless they know you, and in my case no one really knows me. I'm an invisible girl that dresses causal, really plain I guess as they would call it, and not many people see casual as a good thing. The mix of cultures, faces and colors is intriguing and you never know what kind of person you'll be sitting next to in class in the beginning of the summer. You'll never know what kind of teacher that you'll have, or whether they'll give you slack on important things of if they'll be Satan and kick you around for everything you do wrong. The majority of the classes I've ever been in have been very quiet and patient with lectures. No one talks much so getting through question and answer time is rather quick. The majority of the people that I meet are not like myself, they are just different and have their own world to tend to. Their own worries and burdens.
Walking down the halls you look into the classrooms at peering faces. They look at you as you pass, and only to see you walking by for merely a second. Some faces are familiar but others are just a blur that merge into the blur of other faces. Some faces stick out though, whether more attractive, or more undetermined. Some faces look angry, sad, or even anxious. The majority of the faces that you see will not be smiling at you when you walk past, that is one thing that is for certain. You pass and if you are not in that class then you are not welcomed in by any means necessary! Not that you would want to anyway.
The best feeling though is walking into a classroom where you belong. On the first day of walking in you always have that fear of being in the wrong place and missing your second chance of getting to the right destination. Then there too is the embarrassment of being in a room full of strangers staring at you while you try to figure out with the teacher where exactly you need to be. Once you find your place you're usually set for the rest of that class. The best feeling is knowing that you have one spot and that hopefully no matter what that spot will always be yours. What sucks is when your spot gets taken and you have to find a new one, but that's whatever as long as you get to sit next to a nice or attractive person. In my cause I usually get to keep my seats.
People on campus are strange and mad at all times of the day. It's a "mad house" trying to find a parking spot to the point of literally almost fighting for a place like bumper cars. The worst is where one car broke down and has been sitting there for nearly three semesters and takes up TWO parking spaces. As if parking places weren't hard enough to find. There have been at least three or four times that I've been tempted to park next to the rust old ruin but the wheel is literally over the freaking line! So it's nearly impossible unless you're riding a bike/motorcycle.
The different styles that people come out with are strange and interesting too. Some outfits do NOT need to be seen in public, where others should been worn more often. There too is the different styles where it's not really different as it is "a trend" and everyone is wearing it. College is no better than high school when it comes to shorty shorts and t-shirts with hair pulled back and buns on top of girls heads. Guys still stroll around in their gym clothes or attempt to be "pimpin'" and have their pants around their lower waist waddling from one place to the other. Then there's the pretty boys that walk around in their dockers or toms. These boys are the nicest to look at though because they are well groomed and smell nice, but usually they don't have much of a personality. Then there's all of the redneck kids. Cameo. Cameo everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I personally haven't been in the honey house AKA the student lounge to observe the student behavior, but I assume that it's no different than what it was last year. Everyone was sectioned off in their ethnic groups and everyone looked at each other daring the other to come over if they wanted trouble. Usually the Asians would bring their electronics or portable gaming devices and chill in the corner in a group and there was always one guy with a guitar. Only once did I ever see one person who looked like they belonged but obviously didn't. It was a white guy with lightly yellowed-tanned skin and dyed black hair that seemed to fit in to the group at a far, but when you looked closely he just had 'white guy' written all over him.
In the middle of everything were the black folk. They always circled around lying and sitting with each others company. Mainly girls on boys laps, boys playing music, or people just laughing loudly at something secret. When one laughed they all laughed, and it was loud and roared through the whole building. It always caused a bunch of looks from all around. People wondering what was so funny, but just as soon as the laughter began it would stop and be quiet again with rap/hip hop playing in the background.
Even the white people would segregate off with their own kind. Athletes with athletes, unless there was a strange connection other wise. Nerds with nerds talking about video games and characters in fictional things. Guys and girls sitting all around on the couches that were "together" whether officially or not sitting around holding hands and leaning on each other. Then there were the loners that always sat alone doing home work, or even the ones that just sat and chilled listening to music. Or the smart-ass that had to go bug the other people down in the middle of everything trying to fit in or make a point, but that usually only got them majorly dissed because they were trying too hard. And then I realize..we're not that different. All of us. We're a lot alike. We just want to fit in and not look out of place. We just want to be comfortable with the people we're around and we don't want to be judged. We want to make others laugh and we want to be thought of in a good way.
Over all college is just..college. It's not a university setting with lots of bright people in smart uniforms with large vocabularies. Not many people are "well-to-do" in a money sense. They all just are there to better their lives, save some money, and move forwards. Some ARE quite frightening to be around or to have drive by you, but eventually you either ignore them or get used to the idea of their existence along with yours on the same campus. You do a lot of walking, but sometimes it makes for good stories that you get to tell later when you experience those things. If you're a writer that is of course.
Monday, July 15, 2013
My Battles
In the past months of my life I've realized that nothing is what it seems. And you ask yourself sometimes what IS the meaning of life? Sometimes you get an answer and other times you might not know until you're older, but usually whatever questions you ask they eventually WILL be answered in some way or another.
So, the truth is that I have been extremely narcissistic lately. Everything that happens always is some how directed to me and I face things that are in my head and I forget what's in the real lives of others. I'm nearing my second decade and finding that I'm nothing like what I thought I would be when I was 10. To be completely honest with myself, I'm exactly the way I was when I started freshman year of high school. I am jobless, I have only been in one relationship that was a massive fail, and my relationship with my friends is usually put to the side when things start going wrong. I don't know how to live properly. I've grown over the past 5 years with wisdom, yes, and I've begun to understand some things about human nature and how others react to things, but I file myself apart from the rest of the world. I live in some world that isn't apart of real life, although real life does have to take part seeing as how I go to a community college, but truthfully I feel like I'm still a little girl inside with wisdom from pain.
Most recently there has been apart of me that has died inside. The one person that I thought would always be there has stopped trying. They've told me that what we once had is completely over and can never come back. "It's gone forever". The person is unknown to me now, and I don't understand them, it's like I had a bond that couldn't be broken but through him it was shattered into a million pieces. We are strangers in a cruel world that we once stood together in. At one time, we were the only things keeping each other alive, and with that you really grow close to someone. Now all of that is gone, and there's a piece of my heart that has been taken away and shattered and with all of the tiny pieces of shard heart on the floor. I know that I've lost a piece of myself as I watched him go. I crossed over invisible lines that were unknown to my mind, and because of this I will be carrying the scars inside from my own punctures for how I've created this horrible mess. I have scars that have been healing for seven years now, and there have been new puncture wounds to cover up the old ones. How long will these take to completely heal? Seven years as well? He won't be there in seven years. From my knowledge he may not even be here in one year, if even half a year.
There are burdens inside that are telling me that I know what he is capable of, and it scares me. The things that he can do to himself, and how he treats people horrible so they will not come close. He gnashes his teeth and grows out talons to keep a flesh ripping warning in the face of those who want to help him. No one will help him now, unless he lets them, but I've been reassured that after how things have ended between us...he won't let anyone fool him again. How horrid is the thought that you've ruined someone in this way? To know that at one point you knew the best person that you could have ever meet, and the only person who you could tell your most horrible stories to and they wouldn't judge you and only love you more. How many times can you meet someone like that? Barely any if at all. Some people go their whole lives to find another human being like that. I guess now I can say that I found one, but I let them slip through my fingers like sand at the beach and now they've floated into the wind and carried off mixing into the rest of the beachy shores.
At this point I question my existence, and contemplate my future. How will I become anything if I never pursue something. My talents and minor dreams are nothing of this world, or nothing that comes close to this world now. Everything has become greed and cut throat as I've grown and realized the rules and regulations of adulthood.. It's absolutely terrifying. I still want to be a small child with no fears of the world, and believing that everyone is my friend and will still help take care of me when I need someone. Now I know, I know that unless you give you will not be given, and sometimes even when you give you are only taken from. People have become thieves and crooks as their hearts have been broken over and over again. We break our own hearts, and grow cold with regret and pride.
My heart beats but it aches. My chest feels as though a ton has landed on it and I can't move out from under it's heavy load. My eyes are heavy from lack of sleep and filled with sadness. They bring out tears that burn down my face when I'm angry and cold when I am afraid and alone. Though no one sees my tears, they are my only friends in times of trial and weakness. For the most part I keep them away from main view for fear that I will be seen as weak, and from what my past has taught me, you can never be weak. I have been through too much to be weak, and too much to keep on feeling this pain. I want to let it go, but the cycle isn't complete. Like a load of wet clothes in a dryer, you keep checking impatiently to see if it's done and each time you do it's a little farther in the drying process, but still damp. Then eventually you either become annoyed with their slow drying abilities to where you put on damp clothes to wear for the world to see, or you keep waiting until they are completely done and have a soft warm feeling that makes you glad you waited. Being stuck between waiting for things to quicken and knowing that if I'm patient my patience will reward me is difficult. Having certain wisdom and yet still wanting to be young and stupid. It is a constant battle between right and wrong, and what to accept or not accept.
So, the truth is that I have been extremely narcissistic lately. Everything that happens always is some how directed to me and I face things that are in my head and I forget what's in the real lives of others. I'm nearing my second decade and finding that I'm nothing like what I thought I would be when I was 10. To be completely honest with myself, I'm exactly the way I was when I started freshman year of high school. I am jobless, I have only been in one relationship that was a massive fail, and my relationship with my friends is usually put to the side when things start going wrong. I don't know how to live properly. I've grown over the past 5 years with wisdom, yes, and I've begun to understand some things about human nature and how others react to things, but I file myself apart from the rest of the world. I live in some world that isn't apart of real life, although real life does have to take part seeing as how I go to a community college, but truthfully I feel like I'm still a little girl inside with wisdom from pain.
Most recently there has been apart of me that has died inside. The one person that I thought would always be there has stopped trying. They've told me that what we once had is completely over and can never come back. "It's gone forever". The person is unknown to me now, and I don't understand them, it's like I had a bond that couldn't be broken but through him it was shattered into a million pieces. We are strangers in a cruel world that we once stood together in. At one time, we were the only things keeping each other alive, and with that you really grow close to someone. Now all of that is gone, and there's a piece of my heart that has been taken away and shattered and with all of the tiny pieces of shard heart on the floor. I know that I've lost a piece of myself as I watched him go. I crossed over invisible lines that were unknown to my mind, and because of this I will be carrying the scars inside from my own punctures for how I've created this horrible mess. I have scars that have been healing for seven years now, and there have been new puncture wounds to cover up the old ones. How long will these take to completely heal? Seven years as well? He won't be there in seven years. From my knowledge he may not even be here in one year, if even half a year.
There are burdens inside that are telling me that I know what he is capable of, and it scares me. The things that he can do to himself, and how he treats people horrible so they will not come close. He gnashes his teeth and grows out talons to keep a flesh ripping warning in the face of those who want to help him. No one will help him now, unless he lets them, but I've been reassured that after how things have ended between us...he won't let anyone fool him again. How horrid is the thought that you've ruined someone in this way? To know that at one point you knew the best person that you could have ever meet, and the only person who you could tell your most horrible stories to and they wouldn't judge you and only love you more. How many times can you meet someone like that? Barely any if at all. Some people go their whole lives to find another human being like that. I guess now I can say that I found one, but I let them slip through my fingers like sand at the beach and now they've floated into the wind and carried off mixing into the rest of the beachy shores.
At this point I question my existence, and contemplate my future. How will I become anything if I never pursue something. My talents and minor dreams are nothing of this world, or nothing that comes close to this world now. Everything has become greed and cut throat as I've grown and realized the rules and regulations of adulthood.. It's absolutely terrifying. I still want to be a small child with no fears of the world, and believing that everyone is my friend and will still help take care of me when I need someone. Now I know, I know that unless you give you will not be given, and sometimes even when you give you are only taken from. People have become thieves and crooks as their hearts have been broken over and over again. We break our own hearts, and grow cold with regret and pride.
My heart beats but it aches. My chest feels as though a ton has landed on it and I can't move out from under it's heavy load. My eyes are heavy from lack of sleep and filled with sadness. They bring out tears that burn down my face when I'm angry and cold when I am afraid and alone. Though no one sees my tears, they are my only friends in times of trial and weakness. For the most part I keep them away from main view for fear that I will be seen as weak, and from what my past has taught me, you can never be weak. I have been through too much to be weak, and too much to keep on feeling this pain. I want to let it go, but the cycle isn't complete. Like a load of wet clothes in a dryer, you keep checking impatiently to see if it's done and each time you do it's a little farther in the drying process, but still damp. Then eventually you either become annoyed with their slow drying abilities to where you put on damp clothes to wear for the world to see, or you keep waiting until they are completely done and have a soft warm feeling that makes you glad you waited. Being stuck between waiting for things to quicken and knowing that if I'm patient my patience will reward me is difficult. Having certain wisdom and yet still wanting to be young and stupid. It is a constant battle between right and wrong, and what to accept or not accept.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
First Year of College Complete
I haven't been on here in forever! Would you still like to know how Community College isn't such a horrible place after all? Of course you would!
So I find that in the beginning of coming to community college last summer there were a lot of worries that I had. Personally I wasn't one to be wild and crazy, or draw things on the sides of peoples cars, so seeing this kind of behavior kind of frightened me. I met a girl in my English 111 class and she told me I needed to get a belly button ring (while she was currently fighting a navel infection at that very second.). There were so many things I wanted to do rather than be there, but everything started changing. My views started changing.
The campus was bigger if you walked around and they had a lovely flower garden. In between the buildings there was a large horticulture place that people planted and watered flowers. It was a beautiful little place and I always found a nice spot to eat my lunch at in peace. In the last few weeks of being at community college this became my safe haven because I needed a place to get away from the world and people for a little while.
So this past year of my life I have been working on getting my first two semesters done in Photographic Technologies (Photography). Let me tell you something...unless you know exactly what you're getting in to, odds are you will end up learning something you never thought you could learn from some majors. You will meet people that at first meeting seem like the nicest and end up being snakes, or they could look really scary and end up being super sweet. My first photography class was hard as the dickens, but everyone was sincere in everyone getting through their project completely. My second semester was a night class with a teacher who taught 14 hour days. He was wired from coffee and cursed like a sailor, but that man knew every bit of what he was teaching us better than the book. Our tiny class of 4 got through with the majority of the projects in no time, and our team work with each other fit nicely. At the end of the semester we were allowed to go out to O'Charlies rather than bring food to the school and what not. It was awesome, and we really got to know each other on a personal level that night. I mean, nothing too personal, but it wasn't the classroom anymore and everyone could relax and eat great food and just talk. I can almost bet you that I will never experience that ever again for a college class. Ever.
Art was a big hobby that I picked up after joining my first Art class in the first semester. Art Appreciation seemed like an easy course to some, but unless you had a fun teacher it actually would have sucked. Thankfully, our teacher wanted us to have hands on. The majority could have cared less after they realized they had an easy teacher, thought it would be an easy A, but they were wrong. I was introduced to art again, and it changed my life. I had been in art classes when I was maybe 10 and I was forced to be a perfectionist and decided it wasn't for me. She taught us that we didn't have to be perfect, because the art we made was our own. No one elses, and if anyway had anything to say about it they could kiss our ass. That class soon led into Drawing 1 for myself. Our teacher was a bit of a push over, but he was really cool. He mainly worked as a potter in his free time and for a day job he thought Art Appreciation. Our Drawing 1 class was literally the pioneers of Drawing one's for the near future. The entire class blossomed in their abilities to draw better, and the loud kids weren't quite as obnoxious after they realized that everyone could hear everything they said. Then it ended up that I made friends with a group that would sneak out on sunny days. I went with them on a few of their expeditions and left my other "friend" back in the class room. (That's a different story all in and of itself). Our finals were portraits. Portraits. We never took a quiz, or a test, it was always just drawing, two days out of the week for three hours. It was amazing, and I loved it.
Music Appreciation. This class ended up having some crazy characters in it. I ended up being the shy funny girl. We had to make skits, and one was what questions we would ask if we had met three composers. So, I ended up being Hyden and someone told me I had to make up an accent. Their suggestion....sound like a terrorist. Not sure how a "terrorist" sounds like, because anyone could be one truthfully, so I just started talking with a strange accent and went from there. I had people laughing and cracking up and tried to keep a straight face. The skits and making music was a blast. Thankfully we moved the seats to the back of the room where the huge wall mirror was. No one was distracted anymore, and everyone could be more at ease without having the feeling of being watched at all times. A lady who was a veteran from the armt kept things interesting, and a little group in the back always made an uproar and kept us all laughing throughout the semester. On the last day we had a presentation to do. We had to bring food and represent it as whatever form, texture, or vocabulary word we had chose. To say the least, it was quite amusing.
Taking appreciation classes doesn't mean that you're going to get an easy A, it means that you're going into a class to learn something new about something you think you already know about, and in return it usually proves you wrong. Both of the appreciation classes that I took gave me a broader view on what exactly art and music meant. It wasn't just a bunch of artists, or a bunch of instruments. It was so much more, and it was shown in a whole new way that no one had ever taught me before. I learned to APPRECIATE what I was learning and I could then begin to understand how to create this music and art the way it was truly meant to be created as.
In conclusion, all of the classes that I took were really amazing. I've taken a few math classes as well as only to apply with protocol for getting my major in photography. Everything that I've learned so far as not gone so much to waste as it has to broadening my horizons. I am truly lucky to be able to have this, and I thank God for having this freedom.
So I find that in the beginning of coming to community college last summer there were a lot of worries that I had. Personally I wasn't one to be wild and crazy, or draw things on the sides of peoples cars, so seeing this kind of behavior kind of frightened me. I met a girl in my English 111 class and she told me I needed to get a belly button ring (while she was currently fighting a navel infection at that very second.). There were so many things I wanted to do rather than be there, but everything started changing. My views started changing.
The campus was bigger if you walked around and they had a lovely flower garden. In between the buildings there was a large horticulture place that people planted and watered flowers. It was a beautiful little place and I always found a nice spot to eat my lunch at in peace. In the last few weeks of being at community college this became my safe haven because I needed a place to get away from the world and people for a little while.
So this past year of my life I have been working on getting my first two semesters done in Photographic Technologies (Photography). Let me tell you something...unless you know exactly what you're getting in to, odds are you will end up learning something you never thought you could learn from some majors. You will meet people that at first meeting seem like the nicest and end up being snakes, or they could look really scary and end up being super sweet. My first photography class was hard as the dickens, but everyone was sincere in everyone getting through their project completely. My second semester was a night class with a teacher who taught 14 hour days. He was wired from coffee and cursed like a sailor, but that man knew every bit of what he was teaching us better than the book. Our tiny class of 4 got through with the majority of the projects in no time, and our team work with each other fit nicely. At the end of the semester we were allowed to go out to O'Charlies rather than bring food to the school and what not. It was awesome, and we really got to know each other on a personal level that night. I mean, nothing too personal, but it wasn't the classroom anymore and everyone could relax and eat great food and just talk. I can almost bet you that I will never experience that ever again for a college class. Ever.
Art was a big hobby that I picked up after joining my first Art class in the first semester. Art Appreciation seemed like an easy course to some, but unless you had a fun teacher it actually would have sucked. Thankfully, our teacher wanted us to have hands on. The majority could have cared less after they realized they had an easy teacher, thought it would be an easy A, but they were wrong. I was introduced to art again, and it changed my life. I had been in art classes when I was maybe 10 and I was forced to be a perfectionist and decided it wasn't for me. She taught us that we didn't have to be perfect, because the art we made was our own. No one elses, and if anyway had anything to say about it they could kiss our ass. That class soon led into Drawing 1 for myself. Our teacher was a bit of a push over, but he was really cool. He mainly worked as a potter in his free time and for a day job he thought Art Appreciation. Our Drawing 1 class was literally the pioneers of Drawing one's for the near future. The entire class blossomed in their abilities to draw better, and the loud kids weren't quite as obnoxious after they realized that everyone could hear everything they said. Then it ended up that I made friends with a group that would sneak out on sunny days. I went with them on a few of their expeditions and left my other "friend" back in the class room. (That's a different story all in and of itself). Our finals were portraits. Portraits. We never took a quiz, or a test, it was always just drawing, two days out of the week for three hours. It was amazing, and I loved it.
Music Appreciation. This class ended up having some crazy characters in it. I ended up being the shy funny girl. We had to make skits, and one was what questions we would ask if we had met three composers. So, I ended up being Hyden and someone told me I had to make up an accent. Their suggestion....sound like a terrorist. Not sure how a "terrorist" sounds like, because anyone could be one truthfully, so I just started talking with a strange accent and went from there. I had people laughing and cracking up and tried to keep a straight face. The skits and making music was a blast. Thankfully we moved the seats to the back of the room where the huge wall mirror was. No one was distracted anymore, and everyone could be more at ease without having the feeling of being watched at all times. A lady who was a veteran from the armt kept things interesting, and a little group in the back always made an uproar and kept us all laughing throughout the semester. On the last day we had a presentation to do. We had to bring food and represent it as whatever form, texture, or vocabulary word we had chose. To say the least, it was quite amusing.
Taking appreciation classes doesn't mean that you're going to get an easy A, it means that you're going into a class to learn something new about something you think you already know about, and in return it usually proves you wrong. Both of the appreciation classes that I took gave me a broader view on what exactly art and music meant. It wasn't just a bunch of artists, or a bunch of instruments. It was so much more, and it was shown in a whole new way that no one had ever taught me before. I learned to APPRECIATE what I was learning and I could then begin to understand how to create this music and art the way it was truly meant to be created as.
In conclusion, all of the classes that I took were really amazing. I've taken a few math classes as well as only to apply with protocol for getting my major in photography. Everything that I've learned so far as not gone so much to waste as it has to broadening my horizons. I am truly lucky to be able to have this, and I thank God for having this freedom.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
School Talk
Week One of community college (semester two): COMPLETE.
Wow. What a week, eh? It's been pretty crazy, but kind of enjoyable. All my classes are pretty good, but I'm so dead set on changing my major after this for sure. I feel like I'm wasting my time in that class, and my teacher kind of drives me insane. I find it funny that it doesn't bother me when I ramble, but when my teacher begins rambling on and on about one subject and starts getting farther and farther off topic...it drives me up the wall. I want to literally just flat out tell him to shut up, or just get on with the lesson! (But alas, that would be rude...and I don't want to be rude...so I just yell at him in my head.)
The Drawing 1 class that I signed up for with one of my friends is going dashingly! I thought the professor would be a total stick in the mud, but it turns out he's pretty cool. It's fun but challenging all at the same time with the assignments he gives us. He's always willing to give you the best advice he can, and you can tell that he's a pretty genuine guy when it comes to making sure everyone is having fun and doing their thing. (He even gave us some really awesome info on where we can get our art supplies for cheap! And how many teachers do you know of that would do that?!..not many). So he's pretty awesome, and the whole over all class isn't so bad other than a really loud person that can talk and the whole room will be listening silently. They're like the "gossip daily" dishing out all the dirt on anyone and everyone who's got some kind of reputation for something. Smh. Some things could be told privately in the hall, but undoubtedly they don't have filters so it just kind of goes shooting off ever which way.
Then my third class is Music Appreciation. Our teacher is kind of nutty (but in a good way) she gets us up off our butts and actually participating in making rhythm and music. I love teachers who are like this truthfully, it makes the learning process a lot easier then being beat over the head with a book and having to memorize stuff word for word and then forgetting it later. The only thing that I'm kind of worried about is the major projects that are going to be due that are called "Concert Reports" and we have to go to actual concerts (not rock concerts or anything like that...but like the classical kind) and then write a report on it. The over all class is great though, we're all still in the shy awkward stage, but I think we're getting there to becoming a pretty great class.
So, I guess over all everything is pretty great. The schedule is kind of wacky because I have one class one day, and then two super long classes another. It sucks because then the night of the really long class I know I have a super early class but yet I can never fall asleep! But I guess that's just how it goes. Well, I hope everyone has had a super awesome week and weekend, and that tomorrow going back to school isn't a total pain. JUST 15 MORE WEEKS UNTIL SUMMER BREAK. Keep that in mind :)
That's all for now folks! Catch ya on the flip side.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Second First Day
Tonight is the night before my "second first day" of college. With this being still my first year, I feel like I should already be done with all of this, have a degree in something, and be on my merry way at finding a good paying job...but sadly it doesn't go nearly that fast.
I'm thinking about changing my major from Photography to being a Dietitian, but it seems that the college I'm at right now doesn't offer that and so I'll have to transfer to some other place and try to work on getting my bachelors degree for like 4 years. I think I would like doing that, because cooking is something that I've always loved, and if I could make menu's and create different things to help people, and get payed pretty decent cash while doing what I love...why not? This photography thing just isn't working for me though, like the "brand new" shine factor has wore off of it sooooo much. I'm actually glad that I don't have to go into that class tomorrow, or well Tuesday actually, but I'm going to miss all the people.
That's why I was blogging a little bit tonight. I'm going to miss the people, and I'm going to miss my teachers and getting to see everyone together, because that's never going to happen ever again. I mean, there are some people yes that you can't stand in a classroom, but in most all my classes that I had this past semester in the Fall, there weren't any really annoying people that I wanted to punch in the face. I mean I really genuinely liked everyone, and I hate that it all has to be over, and that tomorrow I'm going to walk into a room of strangers and become an awkward wall flower again. Usually people sit in the same seats that they originally sit in on the first day, "because we're creatures of habit" (for so my math teacher said once). I guess I can agree with that, but how do you really know where the right seats are? I mean people can't always be judged on their appearances, I've already learned that one from English class back in the Summer.
One thing though, that I'll know for sure, is that if people really like you then they will help you. Or if they really don't like you, they won't say much to you at all unless you get in their way. But mainly, you have to hold your own ground, and respect others and treat them the way you want to be treated, because even the roughest looking characters can have the biggest hearts of gold. So, I guess after this little pep talk, not just to you but also to myself, I've come to realize that everything will be alright and that tomorrow no matter what happens, I can always have the good memories and I can always look forward to meeting new and interesting personalities.
So I wish everyone the best, and please wish me luck on the next 16 weeks! I have a feeling that I'll need it for math class :P
Catch you all on the flip side!
I'm thinking about changing my major from Photography to being a Dietitian, but it seems that the college I'm at right now doesn't offer that and so I'll have to transfer to some other place and try to work on getting my bachelors degree for like 4 years. I think I would like doing that, because cooking is something that I've always loved, and if I could make menu's and create different things to help people, and get payed pretty decent cash while doing what I love...why not? This photography thing just isn't working for me though, like the "brand new" shine factor has wore off of it sooooo much. I'm actually glad that I don't have to go into that class tomorrow, or well Tuesday actually, but I'm going to miss all the people.
That's why I was blogging a little bit tonight. I'm going to miss the people, and I'm going to miss my teachers and getting to see everyone together, because that's never going to happen ever again. I mean, there are some people yes that you can't stand in a classroom, but in most all my classes that I had this past semester in the Fall, there weren't any really annoying people that I wanted to punch in the face. I mean I really genuinely liked everyone, and I hate that it all has to be over, and that tomorrow I'm going to walk into a room of strangers and become an awkward wall flower again. Usually people sit in the same seats that they originally sit in on the first day, "because we're creatures of habit" (for so my math teacher said once). I guess I can agree with that, but how do you really know where the right seats are? I mean people can't always be judged on their appearances, I've already learned that one from English class back in the Summer.
One thing though, that I'll know for sure, is that if people really like you then they will help you. Or if they really don't like you, they won't say much to you at all unless you get in their way. But mainly, you have to hold your own ground, and respect others and treat them the way you want to be treated, because even the roughest looking characters can have the biggest hearts of gold. So, I guess after this little pep talk, not just to you but also to myself, I've come to realize that everything will be alright and that tomorrow no matter what happens, I can always have the good memories and I can always look forward to meeting new and interesting personalities.
So I wish everyone the best, and please wish me luck on the next 16 weeks! I have a feeling that I'll need it for math class :P
Catch you all on the flip side!
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