In the past months of my life I've realized that nothing is what it seems. And you ask yourself sometimes what IS the meaning of life? Sometimes you get an answer and other times you might not know until you're older, but usually whatever questions you ask they eventually WILL be answered in some way or another.
So, the truth is that I have been extremely narcissistic lately. Everything that happens always is some how directed to me and I face things that are in my head and I forget what's in the real lives of others. I'm nearing my second decade and finding that I'm nothing like what I thought I would be when I was 10. To be completely honest with myself, I'm exactly the way I was when I started freshman year of high school. I am jobless, I have only been in one relationship that was a massive fail, and my relationship with my friends is usually put to the side when things start going wrong. I don't know how to live properly. I've grown over the past 5 years with wisdom, yes, and I've begun to understand some things about human nature and how others react to things, but I file myself apart from the rest of the world. I live in some world that isn't apart of real life, although real life does have to take part seeing as how I go to a community college, but truthfully I feel like I'm still a little girl inside with wisdom from pain.
Most recently there has been apart of me that has died inside. The one person that I thought would always be there has stopped trying. They've told me that what we once had is completely over and can never come back. "It's gone forever". The person is unknown to me now, and I don't understand them, it's like I had a bond that couldn't be broken but through him it was shattered into a million pieces. We are strangers in a cruel world that we once stood together in. At one time, we were the only things keeping each other alive, and with that you really grow close to someone. Now all of that is gone, and there's a piece of my heart that has been taken away and shattered and with all of the tiny pieces of shard heart on the floor. I know that I've lost a piece of myself as I watched him go. I crossed over invisible lines that were unknown to my mind, and because of this I will be carrying the scars inside from my own punctures for how I've created this horrible mess. I have scars that have been healing for seven years now, and there have been new puncture wounds to cover up the old ones. How long will these take to completely heal? Seven years as well? He won't be there in seven years. From my knowledge he may not even be here in one year, if even half a year.
There are burdens inside that are telling me that I know what he is capable of, and it scares me. The things that he can do to himself, and how he treats people horrible so they will not come close. He gnashes his teeth and grows out talons to keep a flesh ripping warning in the face of those who want to help him. No one will help him now, unless he lets them, but I've been reassured that after how things have ended between us...he won't let anyone fool him again. How horrid is the thought that you've ruined someone in this way? To know that at one point you knew the best person that you could have ever meet, and the only person who you could tell your most horrible stories to and they wouldn't judge you and only love you more. How many times can you meet someone like that? Barely any if at all. Some people go their whole lives to find another human being like that. I guess now I can say that I found one, but I let them slip through my fingers like sand at the beach and now they've floated into the wind and carried off mixing into the rest of the beachy shores.
At this point I question my existence, and contemplate my future. How will I become anything if I never pursue something. My talents and minor dreams are nothing of this world, or nothing that comes close to this world now. Everything has become greed and cut throat as I've grown and realized the rules and regulations of adulthood.. It's absolutely terrifying. I still want to be a small child with no fears of the world, and believing that everyone is my friend and will still help take care of me when I need someone. Now I know, I know that unless you give you will not be given, and sometimes even when you give you are only taken from. People have become thieves and crooks as their hearts have been broken over and over again. We break our own hearts, and grow cold with regret and pride.
My heart beats but it aches. My chest feels as though a ton has landed on it and I can't move out from under it's heavy load. My eyes are heavy from lack of sleep and filled with sadness. They bring out tears that burn down my face when I'm angry and cold when I am afraid and alone. Though no one sees my tears, they are my only friends in times of trial and weakness. For the most part I keep them away from main view for fear that I will be seen as weak, and from what my past has taught me, you can never be weak. I have been through too much to be weak, and too much to keep on feeling this pain. I want to let it go, but the cycle isn't complete. Like a load of wet clothes in a dryer, you keep checking impatiently to see if it's done and each time you do it's a little farther in the drying process, but still damp. Then eventually you either become annoyed with their slow drying abilities to where you put on damp clothes to wear for the world to see, or you keep waiting until they are completely done and have a soft warm feeling that makes you glad you waited. Being stuck between waiting for things to quicken and knowing that if I'm patient my patience will reward me is difficult. Having certain wisdom and yet still wanting to be young and stupid. It is a constant battle between right and wrong, and what to accept or not accept.
