I don't even know anymore what's going on. I just live from one day to the next in a sea of people that I barely recognize. At one point I knew their names and their faces were so fresh and young. They would smile at me and say hello, and all would be well in my soul. Now we walk past and they barely even cast a glance in my direction. Their bodies are older. Their faces are older. Some are covered in scars or makeup. Hair is different, and there is a lack of zest for life in their eyes. The look like their parents. The look like adults. How did we get this way? When did it happen? Is there any way to take back the time and go back to the better days? How? I think that has been the question man has asked since he was born and became older. How do you take back time?
It seems like such a simple thing. Time. But truthfully, every second you are writing your own biography through actions and thoughts. You are writing yourself into other peoples minds. Sometimes they forget you after years pass, and other times they can't stop remembering. Hearts can be broken by harsh words and smiles can be given through acts from the heart. Throughout, no matter what you do you will give out both. Whether you mean to or not. This is just life.
Write your story.
Live life your best.
Don't waste time.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Accidentally on Purpose
My eyes feel like sand paper. I'm exhausted but I wear a smile on my face feeling extremely happy about being able to let someone in to see the real me. You see I go around trying to pretend like everything's okay and like I have everything under control. The truth is that usually I'm okay but there is still a lot of baggage that I'm carrying from all the years of my life time. I've been called a "tough cookie", but also the girl with the big "golden heart". To be a mix of both I believe shows character and courage, and without it you would just be a tough cookie not giving a damn about anyone or anything anymore.
My post is getting mixed up in signals. My mind is getting foggy, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you because tonight I have realized that I'm really not alone, and thank you because there are a lot of people trying to help me realize that I don't have to rule the world at only 20. That it's okay to not know where I'm going for the new few years, but to look forward and try to make something of myself as I go and grow into someone and something. Truly I think that people sometimes live their entire lives not knowing exactly what they want to be or where they want to go, but once they reach a certain point in their lives they look back and realize that they've been making a name and history for themselves this entire time and that what they've done and how they've lived hasn't been such a bad life. Experiences make us grow, and no matter how old we are we will never stop learning.
You can quote me.
My post is getting mixed up in signals. My mind is getting foggy, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you because tonight I have realized that I'm really not alone, and thank you because there are a lot of people trying to help me realize that I don't have to rule the world at only 20. That it's okay to not know where I'm going for the new few years, but to look forward and try to make something of myself as I go and grow into someone and something. Truly I think that people sometimes live their entire lives not knowing exactly what they want to be or where they want to go, but once they reach a certain point in their lives they look back and realize that they've been making a name and history for themselves this entire time and that what they've done and how they've lived hasn't been such a bad life. Experiences make us grow, and no matter how old we are we will never stop learning.
You can quote me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Community College Life
Walking down the side walks I hear the cars blasting music from their stereos, and the smell of tobacco as the go by. Slowing down only for speed bumps but taking off when in the clear. It makes you feel self conscious like someone is sneaking up behind you and going to attack at any second while you back is turned towards the cars slowing for their fifth speed bump. Sometimes the music is so loud and so vulgar that you wish you could just cover your ears to keep from listening to it's filth.
Walking into buildings and looking around you see people on a mission from either class to car or car to class. No one really stops to really look at you or even acknowledge your existence unless they know you, and in my case no one really knows me. I'm an invisible girl that dresses causal, really plain I guess as they would call it, and not many people see casual as a good thing. The mix of cultures, faces and colors is intriguing and you never know what kind of person you'll be sitting next to in class in the beginning of the summer. You'll never know what kind of teacher that you'll have, or whether they'll give you slack on important things of if they'll be Satan and kick you around for everything you do wrong. The majority of the classes I've ever been in have been very quiet and patient with lectures. No one talks much so getting through question and answer time is rather quick. The majority of the people that I meet are not like myself, they are just different and have their own world to tend to. Their own worries and burdens.
Walking down the halls you look into the classrooms at peering faces. They look at you as you pass, and only to see you walking by for merely a second. Some faces are familiar but others are just a blur that merge into the blur of other faces. Some faces stick out though, whether more attractive, or more undetermined. Some faces look angry, sad, or even anxious. The majority of the faces that you see will not be smiling at you when you walk past, that is one thing that is for certain. You pass and if you are not in that class then you are not welcomed in by any means necessary! Not that you would want to anyway.
The best feeling though is walking into a classroom where you belong. On the first day of walking in you always have that fear of being in the wrong place and missing your second chance of getting to the right destination. Then there too is the embarrassment of being in a room full of strangers staring at you while you try to figure out with the teacher where exactly you need to be. Once you find your place you're usually set for the rest of that class. The best feeling is knowing that you have one spot and that hopefully no matter what that spot will always be yours. What sucks is when your spot gets taken and you have to find a new one, but that's whatever as long as you get to sit next to a nice or attractive person. In my cause I usually get to keep my seats.
People on campus are strange and mad at all times of the day. It's a "mad house" trying to find a parking spot to the point of literally almost fighting for a place like bumper cars. The worst is where one car broke down and has been sitting there for nearly three semesters and takes up TWO parking spaces. As if parking places weren't hard enough to find. There have been at least three or four times that I've been tempted to park next to the rust old ruin but the wheel is literally over the freaking line! So it's nearly impossible unless you're riding a bike/motorcycle.
The different styles that people come out with are strange and interesting too. Some outfits do NOT need to be seen in public, where others should been worn more often. There too is the different styles where it's not really different as it is "a trend" and everyone is wearing it. College is no better than high school when it comes to shorty shorts and t-shirts with hair pulled back and buns on top of girls heads. Guys still stroll around in their gym clothes or attempt to be "pimpin'" and have their pants around their lower waist waddling from one place to the other. Then there's the pretty boys that walk around in their dockers or toms. These boys are the nicest to look at though because they are well groomed and smell nice, but usually they don't have much of a personality. Then there's all of the redneck kids. Cameo. Cameo everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I personally haven't been in the honey house AKA the student lounge to observe the student behavior, but I assume that it's no different than what it was last year. Everyone was sectioned off in their ethnic groups and everyone looked at each other daring the other to come over if they wanted trouble. Usually the Asians would bring their electronics or portable gaming devices and chill in the corner in a group and there was always one guy with a guitar. Only once did I ever see one person who looked like they belonged but obviously didn't. It was a white guy with lightly yellowed-tanned skin and dyed black hair that seemed to fit in to the group at a far, but when you looked closely he just had 'white guy' written all over him.
In the middle of everything were the black folk. They always circled around lying and sitting with each others company. Mainly girls on boys laps, boys playing music, or people just laughing loudly at something secret. When one laughed they all laughed, and it was loud and roared through the whole building. It always caused a bunch of looks from all around. People wondering what was so funny, but just as soon as the laughter began it would stop and be quiet again with rap/hip hop playing in the background.
Even the white people would segregate off with their own kind. Athletes with athletes, unless there was a strange connection other wise. Nerds with nerds talking about video games and characters in fictional things. Guys and girls sitting all around on the couches that were "together" whether officially or not sitting around holding hands and leaning on each other. Then there were the loners that always sat alone doing home work, or even the ones that just sat and chilled listening to music. Or the smart-ass that had to go bug the other people down in the middle of everything trying to fit in or make a point, but that usually only got them majorly dissed because they were trying too hard. And then I realize..we're not that different. All of us. We're a lot alike. We just want to fit in and not look out of place. We just want to be comfortable with the people we're around and we don't want to be judged. We want to make others laugh and we want to be thought of in a good way.
Over all college is just..college. It's not a university setting with lots of bright people in smart uniforms with large vocabularies. Not many people are "well-to-do" in a money sense. They all just are there to better their lives, save some money, and move forwards. Some ARE quite frightening to be around or to have drive by you, but eventually you either ignore them or get used to the idea of their existence along with yours on the same campus. You do a lot of walking, but sometimes it makes for good stories that you get to tell later when you experience those things. If you're a writer that is of course.
Walking into buildings and looking around you see people on a mission from either class to car or car to class. No one really stops to really look at you or even acknowledge your existence unless they know you, and in my case no one really knows me. I'm an invisible girl that dresses causal, really plain I guess as they would call it, and not many people see casual as a good thing. The mix of cultures, faces and colors is intriguing and you never know what kind of person you'll be sitting next to in class in the beginning of the summer. You'll never know what kind of teacher that you'll have, or whether they'll give you slack on important things of if they'll be Satan and kick you around for everything you do wrong. The majority of the classes I've ever been in have been very quiet and patient with lectures. No one talks much so getting through question and answer time is rather quick. The majority of the people that I meet are not like myself, they are just different and have their own world to tend to. Their own worries and burdens.
Walking down the halls you look into the classrooms at peering faces. They look at you as you pass, and only to see you walking by for merely a second. Some faces are familiar but others are just a blur that merge into the blur of other faces. Some faces stick out though, whether more attractive, or more undetermined. Some faces look angry, sad, or even anxious. The majority of the faces that you see will not be smiling at you when you walk past, that is one thing that is for certain. You pass and if you are not in that class then you are not welcomed in by any means necessary! Not that you would want to anyway.
The best feeling though is walking into a classroom where you belong. On the first day of walking in you always have that fear of being in the wrong place and missing your second chance of getting to the right destination. Then there too is the embarrassment of being in a room full of strangers staring at you while you try to figure out with the teacher where exactly you need to be. Once you find your place you're usually set for the rest of that class. The best feeling is knowing that you have one spot and that hopefully no matter what that spot will always be yours. What sucks is when your spot gets taken and you have to find a new one, but that's whatever as long as you get to sit next to a nice or attractive person. In my cause I usually get to keep my seats.
People on campus are strange and mad at all times of the day. It's a "mad house" trying to find a parking spot to the point of literally almost fighting for a place like bumper cars. The worst is where one car broke down and has been sitting there for nearly three semesters and takes up TWO parking spaces. As if parking places weren't hard enough to find. There have been at least three or four times that I've been tempted to park next to the rust old ruin but the wheel is literally over the freaking line! So it's nearly impossible unless you're riding a bike/motorcycle.
The different styles that people come out with are strange and interesting too. Some outfits do NOT need to be seen in public, where others should been worn more often. There too is the different styles where it's not really different as it is "a trend" and everyone is wearing it. College is no better than high school when it comes to shorty shorts and t-shirts with hair pulled back and buns on top of girls heads. Guys still stroll around in their gym clothes or attempt to be "pimpin'" and have their pants around their lower waist waddling from one place to the other. Then there's the pretty boys that walk around in their dockers or toms. These boys are the nicest to look at though because they are well groomed and smell nice, but usually they don't have much of a personality. Then there's all of the redneck kids. Cameo. Cameo everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I personally haven't been in the honey house AKA the student lounge to observe the student behavior, but I assume that it's no different than what it was last year. Everyone was sectioned off in their ethnic groups and everyone looked at each other daring the other to come over if they wanted trouble. Usually the Asians would bring their electronics or portable gaming devices and chill in the corner in a group and there was always one guy with a guitar. Only once did I ever see one person who looked like they belonged but obviously didn't. It was a white guy with lightly yellowed-tanned skin and dyed black hair that seemed to fit in to the group at a far, but when you looked closely he just had 'white guy' written all over him.
In the middle of everything were the black folk. They always circled around lying and sitting with each others company. Mainly girls on boys laps, boys playing music, or people just laughing loudly at something secret. When one laughed they all laughed, and it was loud and roared through the whole building. It always caused a bunch of looks from all around. People wondering what was so funny, but just as soon as the laughter began it would stop and be quiet again with rap/hip hop playing in the background.
Even the white people would segregate off with their own kind. Athletes with athletes, unless there was a strange connection other wise. Nerds with nerds talking about video games and characters in fictional things. Guys and girls sitting all around on the couches that were "together" whether officially or not sitting around holding hands and leaning on each other. Then there were the loners that always sat alone doing home work, or even the ones that just sat and chilled listening to music. Or the smart-ass that had to go bug the other people down in the middle of everything trying to fit in or make a point, but that usually only got them majorly dissed because they were trying too hard. And then I realize..we're not that different. All of us. We're a lot alike. We just want to fit in and not look out of place. We just want to be comfortable with the people we're around and we don't want to be judged. We want to make others laugh and we want to be thought of in a good way.
Over all college is just..college. It's not a university setting with lots of bright people in smart uniforms with large vocabularies. Not many people are "well-to-do" in a money sense. They all just are there to better their lives, save some money, and move forwards. Some ARE quite frightening to be around or to have drive by you, but eventually you either ignore them or get used to the idea of their existence along with yours on the same campus. You do a lot of walking, but sometimes it makes for good stories that you get to tell later when you experience those things. If you're a writer that is of course.
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