Growing Up

People say a lot of things.
"Get out of my way"
"Go away"
"You can do this"
"You're a failure"
"I hate you"

Whether negative or positive, no matter what people say there is still a purpose for your life here on this planet.

I've read a quote before and it went a little something like, "Everyone on this planet is here for a reason. Everyone is in the place that they are, for a specific reason to fill the world. With being in this place of their main purpose, they are set as a puzzle piece that is put together and makes up a missing piece to bring together the puzzle of the world and make it a whole." It's a pretty powerful statement, and I agree with that, but a lot of people throw words around and forget the effects that it can cause in someone's mind and later their life.

Beginning something new is always tricky, especially if you're the kind of person that I am with wanting to plan this all the time ahead of time. You want to know the weather so you can plan your outfit for the day, you want to know who you'll possibly see, and who you'll meet up with. You do all that you can to make sure you have a good day and do good deeds to keep things on a positive note. Yeah? Yeah. Well, with the beginning I still think I don't have a purpose in this world. I'm getting older and older and there still seems to be nothing good enough for me to do in order to keep my head afloat in this dog eat dog world. I'd like to study art and become a painter, or photographer, or even maybe write a book. I want to be creative and have adventures and fall in love. I want to make a spot on this planet that I can call mine, and people will know my name...but I don't even know how to do taxes or make any kind of transaction. I don't speak business and I'm a failure at trying to understand what people are intending in the long run.  There's a lot in my mind swirling around, but mainly I feel like I'm just an ant among thousands of moths, butterflies, and spiders.

I told my mom that I wanted to become an artist and her response was "oh, and are you going to be a starving artist?" and I told her yes. I meant what I said, and she apologized for her rash behavior a few days later once she thought about it, but it still lies inside of my head beating against the walls of my mind. Be a happy, but starving artist...or become something other people want me to be. Art is my comfort, my vent, my everything really. I feel a lack of talent when I observe others and so I refer back to the "starving artist" comment and believe that I can never get anywhere in life. I'm starting my Sophomore year in College. Somewhere I read that the word "sophomore" is a word mashed together originally stated as a "sophisticated moron", and I can believe that. Maybe I don't have to know everything at nearly 20, maybe I don't have to have it all figured out, but when I look back it seems as though everything should have been already laid out in front of me. Everyone else is already out there, working, relationships, even children. I've lived in the same house sleeping in the same room for nearly 18 years, and so I ask myself "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!" I just don't add up to what people think I should be. I'm not what I thought I would become, and nothing is making sense anymore. I'm waiting for that "ah-ha" moment, but I fear it won't be until I'm nearly 40 before that actually hits, and by then I may be homeless because my parents died or couldn't support me any longer. Okay, maybe I'm being a little too dramatic, but it does feel like I'm just going to be a grown child some day with no knowledge of how to care for myself what so ever. It's pathetic because I should have so much more knowledge that I do. I'm sick and tired of this feeling of needing other peoples help because I have no idea what to do. Makes me want to punch something in the throat...okay not really but I AM really irritated with life and the road I'm on.

In the beginning of this post I mainly had the sole purpose to just say that you shouldn't let people get you down because all of my life I've always been taught to look for other peoples approving of my deeds as to whether or not I was doing it right. I did that in school, I did that at home, and I did that at my very first job. I never went anywhere without someone telling me what to do or how to do it. Today people expect you to do jobs on your own and catch on quickly and to know whether you're doing things correctly. It's a lot of pressure to grow up trying to please everyone and then once you're finally 20 you realize that you still look for everyone's approval when you do things and having that satisfying feeling of actually doing something right, and if you do it wrong then you want to end it all and never try again. Maybe I'm a "special" kind of person, I don't know...I feel like I'm different. Normal, but different. Sometimes there just isn't something right about me. Maybe I'm just lazy and want the easy way out though...maybe that's it.