Box of Paint

A box of paint sits at my side. Not just one primary color, or two or three, we're talking a full pack of twenty four colors. Including glitter paint. Last night I took down all of the pictures and art that I had put up over the year as a symbol of creating a new space for my mind to run to when I get scared or am reminded of this year. I want to take the paint box and create the starry night on my walls, but I'm unsure of my capabilities to be quite honest.

My walls are bare, and at the moment I like them that way. It makes me feel like I finally can see what I've been hiding paper in front of this entire time.  A lot of missing places from where I have torn down posters or pictures. Tape residue on the walls. It's all bare, and it makes me think of how my heart must look like sometimes. Bare and nothing special, although in a sense  it has all of the remaining places where things used to be. The tape, dark places of graphite, or even where something has rubbed the walls and made it turn another color. Chips, retouched areas with a tone just a slight bit off from the original color. I'ts the little things that you really have to look at in order to see. The little things that I have done to my wall, and the places that I have hid for nearly a year now.

When I say that I represent this wall as my heart I mean that everything I have done to this wall shows. Everything that has happened this year is still showing on my heart. And above anything else, I want to paint over it all, just creating some beautiful recreation of a master piece that is symbolic to me. Something that means new life. I have a box of paint sitting beside me, and each color is so beautiful in it's own way. It can help me create so many wonderful things, and I have the greatest feeling that the paint and I, will be the best of friends.

End of December

I can't say that I'm sad to see this year end. To say the least it has been a horrible year. Over all I am grateful for my health and my parents still being around. Other than that though...it's been rough. A recap of it all...

January: The best month of the year...it was really nice.
February : I found love and betrayal
March : The angriest I had ever been in my entire life
April : Still so angry but just wanting to finish school...
May : The best last Saturday of my life
June : The wort first Saturday of my life
July : Depression coma
August : I turned 20
September : Fall semester started and it was intimidating
October : Still angry and being reminded of things over and over again
November : Things were getting better by the week
December : I have a new appreciation for my family and my true friends <3

I've grown a lot this year. Not really in physical stature but in mental understanding and wisdom. I made it through five classes, thanks to not having a social life. I made more promises to myself than I'd like to admit about never getting hurt again, but good people helped me break them. Throughout all of the bad I still found good, and sometimes good found me. Out of all the bad endings I still remember the good beginnings. It all is determined on your understanding and view of life. This year really wasn't easy, and I know others have had it a lot worse off. This is my life though, and I'm not comparing myself next to anyone really because everyone has their own journey to go on, so just keep that in mind before you call names or judge me in any way. I'm on my journey, and I'm glad this year is over.

Next year...I'm not really sure what next year holds truthfully. My dad is going to possibly have surgery in a month or so. He's not in the best conditions to go through a surgery, especially now that he's older. It scares me and yet I've prepared myself for his death for a while now. I know that sounds horrible, but you must understand that my dad is my world, although it doesn't sound like it by me saying that I'm "preparing myself" it's just something I have to think about and do or else when the time comes I wont be ready to say good-bye. I know I can never be fully ready to say good-bye to the man who raised me, but we all have to start some where or else we're just never going to adjust to reality. Maybe that's just me though. Anyway, he's also been having stroke like symptoms and I dread the day that I wake up one morning to the sound of my mothers weeping and knowing in my heart that he's gone.

Next year I really hope better things happen. I want my dad to be okay. There's something else too...there's kind of a guy. He's sweet and I feel safe around him. Given the previous situations I've been in before I can valch for him by saying his pretty safe. He's a boy no doubt, but he's more genuine than most that I've seen around. He doesn't seem to be recognized for his gifts nearly as much as he should be. He doesn't get as much appreciation as he should...at least I don't think he does.  Oh well, so there is a boy now. He's not here to stay necessarily but he makes me glad that he's around. That's the nice thing about beginnings...they always leave you hoping for something good to happen, and usually good things do happen...it's just the end that sucks. I've wondered why some people are in my life for merely days, weeks, months...and others are there in my life for nearly 8 years. I try not to forget all of the people that I have met. All of them have a purpose, whether they mean to or not. All of them are important. I think the thing that I've learned the most from school life is that you can never judge people on their size or appearance. A lot of people are the way they act, and if you watch them long enough you can see who they are. I made a pretty nice hand full of friends who I hope to see next semester.

Although the year started out great and got worse and worse, it ended on a good note. I read today that December is a month to tie up loose ends and put away all hate and anger from this year so that you can start fresh and new for the next. I agree. Everyone should at least try to make amends if they know that it is possible. I also know too that sometimes people are so bitter and heart broken that they can't make amends with themselves or others so the year ends and they keep pulling around the weight of the world on their shoulders thinking that someone else holds the key. You want to know a secret? You hold the key to you own demise. You hold the key to your own happiness.  It's an inside job to be happy, and it takes time...but you most certainly can do it if you put your mind to it.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that the new year is better than you could ever imagine :) Catch you all on the flip side.

EXAMS!

EXAMS

So my fate has finally come.
Exams week for this week and the next.
We're talking about math, photography Photoshop, photography portrait, English Business Research, and Walking for Fitness.

A lot of information that is needed to be known, and the only two classes that I know I'm safe in are portrait and photo shop class. Well math too I guess...although my teacher sucks. Well, over coming all of this stress and pressure of academic due dates I'm doing pretty well. Next semester I've decided to only go as a part time student rather than full time so that I can focus on my other classes that I need to graduate. Yuck on that, but it's what needs to be done. Also, I need to help support my family now more than ever, so this is another reason why I'm going part time for school next semester. I just have to find a job first though -.- That's the only annoying part. Resume's, interviews, phone calls, sucking up, and getting where I need to go. Maybe not to that extent, but I have to be above and beyond anyone else to make any kind of impart on my future employer ;) (maybe I have learn something in English)

Photography classes are pretty easy, and my last final few projects are nearly done. Photoshop has over all been my favorite. English is going to kick my ass, I'm sure of it, and walking is mainly just about heart rate, training heart rate zone and what not's. The entire class split off into groups to create power points that have information on the exam, so notes will be taken and studied for this. Plus it's online test, as most of them are now, so it should be all good :)

I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be (or as I should be?) I feel pretty confident. I've been taking notes and keeping my grades above a C average, so I think I can do this. Next semester is going to be a breeze compared to this one. Maybe. (Digital Imaging II will be more fast pace, and a different teacher. Plus more things to retain in your brain than the basics.) Also I'll be taking a Personal Finance class, he-he fun fun fun. (sarcasm)

Well I guess that is all for now on school talk. Nothing is ending the way I thought it would, but it's kind of better than what I thought it would be. I made friends in my fitness class, and I've learned a lot more in English than I thought I could because there have been at least 200 power points we went over this semester...OK maybe not that many but it's def. felt like it!

The Princess and the Frog (revised short story)

I want to tell you a story that seems to never really ever end. The story about the princess and the frog. It's not the normal story, it's more of a realistic tale. Slimy frog and a princess with a father that wanted only the best for his daughter, always. She grew up fast and was always taught to mind her manners and watch her tongue. She wanted to be free, and one day she found her chance at freedom, but rather than seeing it for what it was she rather hastily looked it over with disgust. Warts and slime, he didn't have much to prove for himself. They met on a sunny day in the woods. He was tall and slender like a green been, and she wanted nothing to do with him. As fate would have it, they bickered and fought but their paths kept meeting that day and they eventually traveled together through the forest.  When reaching the deepest darkest part he drew his sword and the princess laughed in mockery. A slender boy with a sword no bigger than him? How did he even carry it around without falling over it constantly? But he held his temper and stayed in front to protect the princess.

The sky grew darker as they walked farther. Strange noises began to arise from around them, and the princess grew scared. She would never admit being scared, but she wished she had gone another path or not went out at all. They were lost, cold, and now venturing in the dark with a sword, noises, and a boy as skinny as a rail for protection. Alas, the noises grew louder behind them. The boy put out his arm to pass by the princess to stand between her and the beast. Their hearts were pounding and breath became harder to breathe. Now they were sensitive to ever sound around them, feeling caged and exposed. A figure appeared from the brush a yard away, but it was only a dark form. The young lad yelled to the figure to present itself before him, but it nearly stood and stared without a flinch.

The two travelers were not much apart in age, but they were from two completely different ways of life. He worked in the mines with his father and brothers. Soot under his finger nails, filth in his hair, and the sweat that lined his back brought on the illusion of slime oozing from his pores. The princess had been brought up without work, without much that she didn't need or ask for. She wasn't a greedy princess, she knew when to ask and when not to ask for things. Her father, the king, was a very humble man and loved his people, but never was afraid to say no. In all actuality their families neither loathed nor adored each other. They had never met, but today seemed to have other plans in store for their future.

Grabbing a match from her small pocket, the princess grabbed a branch with leaves and lit it on fire. The boy became alarmed at the fire and began to raise his voice when he began slowly understanding her reasons. Without a word he moved forward with her close behind to light their path towards the beast that had been staring at them. A frog. A loud screeching frog at that, but it was merely a frog. The extra shadow giving it height was an illusion from some bushes, but now that they knew what it was they felt safe enough to travel on. Making camp here wasn't going to be an option until they could find a clearing. A field, a barn, anything that wasn't the hundred acre woods of horror. The burning sprig was nearly out by the time of arrival to a large open field. They made camp, or what they though could be declared as camp, and rested. Each one watch for an hour for any unwanted company as their ancestors had taught them. Slowly neither were at watch after the moon rose to the middle of the sky, and they drew close for warmth.

The boy woke first, and what he saw when he woke surprised him.  Laying close was the princess. Her long locks of hair softly cuddling around her head acting as a pillow. Her soft face, the face that looked much different than when she was awake. She was beautiful. Surprisingly. Very beautiful. He caught himself in mid reach to stroke the hair from her cheek, and shook his head. What a fool, he thought. Moving away from her to the other side of the fire he lay down again and pretend to sleep as to not wake her or allow her knowledge of their sleeping closely. When she woke she rose to her feet in seconds. Looking around dazed an slightly confused she looked around at the ground and then at him. Good, she thought, he kept his distance.

Morning broke into the sky in a bright ray of colors. They had already set off on their journey again. This time it wouldn't take another day to reach their destination. The village was just beyond the hills ahead. They arrived at the outer gates of the village and she stopped him. He looked at her, she caught this new look and it burned in her mind. She thought he must be sick, or just tired and not thinking correctly. She explained to him why no one could know of their journey together, and he agreed. They went their separate ways each to their own homes. One to a castle  that looked over all the land, and the other to a small village cottage that only had the view of mud and poverty.

But they never forgot.
The sword. The frog. The moon.
He worked and thought of the way she slept, her face, and her beauty.
She went to her lessons and wondered what that look in his eye really meant.

They could feel it. In their souls. Fate.