End of December

I can't say that I'm sad to see this year end. To say the least it has been a horrible year. Over all I am grateful for my health and my parents still being around. Other than that though...it's been rough. A recap of it all...

January: The best month of the year...it was really nice.
February : I found love and betrayal
March : The angriest I had ever been in my entire life
April : Still so angry but just wanting to finish school...
May : The best last Saturday of my life
June : The wort first Saturday of my life
July : Depression coma
August : I turned 20
September : Fall semester started and it was intimidating
October : Still angry and being reminded of things over and over again
November : Things were getting better by the week
December : I have a new appreciation for my family and my true friends <3

I've grown a lot this year. Not really in physical stature but in mental understanding and wisdom. I made it through five classes, thanks to not having a social life. I made more promises to myself than I'd like to admit about never getting hurt again, but good people helped me break them. Throughout all of the bad I still found good, and sometimes good found me. Out of all the bad endings I still remember the good beginnings. It all is determined on your understanding and view of life. This year really wasn't easy, and I know others have had it a lot worse off. This is my life though, and I'm not comparing myself next to anyone really because everyone has their own journey to go on, so just keep that in mind before you call names or judge me in any way. I'm on my journey, and I'm glad this year is over.

Next year...I'm not really sure what next year holds truthfully. My dad is going to possibly have surgery in a month or so. He's not in the best conditions to go through a surgery, especially now that he's older. It scares me and yet I've prepared myself for his death for a while now. I know that sounds horrible, but you must understand that my dad is my world, although it doesn't sound like it by me saying that I'm "preparing myself" it's just something I have to think about and do or else when the time comes I wont be ready to say good-bye. I know I can never be fully ready to say good-bye to the man who raised me, but we all have to start some where or else we're just never going to adjust to reality. Maybe that's just me though. Anyway, he's also been having stroke like symptoms and I dread the day that I wake up one morning to the sound of my mothers weeping and knowing in my heart that he's gone.

Next year I really hope better things happen. I want my dad to be okay. There's something else too...there's kind of a guy. He's sweet and I feel safe around him. Given the previous situations I've been in before I can valch for him by saying his pretty safe. He's a boy no doubt, but he's more genuine than most that I've seen around. He doesn't seem to be recognized for his gifts nearly as much as he should be. He doesn't get as much appreciation as he should...at least I don't think he does.  Oh well, so there is a boy now. He's not here to stay necessarily but he makes me glad that he's around. That's the nice thing about beginnings...they always leave you hoping for something good to happen, and usually good things do happen...it's just the end that sucks. I've wondered why some people are in my life for merely days, weeks, months...and others are there in my life for nearly 8 years. I try not to forget all of the people that I have met. All of them have a purpose, whether they mean to or not. All of them are important. I think the thing that I've learned the most from school life is that you can never judge people on their size or appearance. A lot of people are the way they act, and if you watch them long enough you can see who they are. I made a pretty nice hand full of friends who I hope to see next semester.

Although the year started out great and got worse and worse, it ended on a good note. I read today that December is a month to tie up loose ends and put away all hate and anger from this year so that you can start fresh and new for the next. I agree. Everyone should at least try to make amends if they know that it is possible. I also know too that sometimes people are so bitter and heart broken that they can't make amends with themselves or others so the year ends and they keep pulling around the weight of the world on their shoulders thinking that someone else holds the key. You want to know a secret? You hold the key to you own demise. You hold the key to your own happiness.  It's an inside job to be happy, and it takes time...but you most certainly can do it if you put your mind to it.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that the new year is better than you could ever imagine :) Catch you all on the flip side.