Tonight I'm trying new things. While browsing the idle isles of wal-mart earlier tonight I found some tea samples for a few dollars. This is the first time I've had hot tea since my "tea/slumber party" back in high school with some close girlfriends. This isn't why I'm here though, it's just a mere intro as to why I'm really drinking hot tea. I met a boy... Now as you may remember those four words are never good, but I really find my heart tugging in his direction. Whether it's the fact that he resembles my ex-best friend, I don't know. I've missed my friend quite terribly but I know that there's nothing more that can come out of our relationship now, but this new guy...he has adventure and new possibilities written all over him. He makes me feel happy inside, which I haven't felt that happy in a long time.
Quick story. It wasn't a grand gesture of kindness or anything, but after class one day this week my new friend was waiting for his next class to begin and had a waiting period of about thirty-minutes. After our class together he walked with myself and the girl who sits beside me in class out to the parking lot at school. The girl I sit with in the back row got picked up by her boyfriend within a few minutes of walking out, and so the guy from class walked with me all the way to the next parking lot. We discussed things and he asked me where I was parked, and it ended up being quite far so he offered to give me a ride to my car...but he forgot his keys in the classroom. (He was having his next class in the same classroom that we had just gotten out of.) So instead of lending me a ride he just decided to walk with me. We walked for about five minutes and talked about everything, just keeping good conversation the whole time. Once we reached my car he wished me well and told me to have a good rest of the week and began walking back towards the other way.
As I got into my car I watched him walk away and although he was tall and could walk rather briskly, it was still a bit humid outside and he had been really sweet. So as un-awkwardly as I could muster, I drove up beside him as he walked and rolled down my window and offered him a ride. He took the offer and got into the passenger seat, which was a bit too short structured for his long frame. His knees brushed the dash and his head touched the ceiling. I laughed at him and made jokes about not having tall family members and his response was, "I can tell". It didn't take nearly as long to drive back to the building as it had to walk, but he was still grateful. Again, after escaping the small chambers of my car he wished me farewell and called me friend.
I know that it sounds like nothing, or maybe something. I don't read guys very well, but I'm trying so hard not to make this into something that it's not. I've never wanted to pursue a friendship with someone so much, but I feel that it's because he reminds me of a person I used to be close friends with...almost as if being friends with this new guy would be like the old times with my old friend. It wouldn't be fair though. To expect someone to be like someone they've never even met. Or maybe they could be better than the person I once knew, and things could be better and end up becoming something amazing. This guy in my class, he's different. Not different as in personality like out of this world different, but he takes care of his looks and respects his hygiene. The boys that I have grown up around are dirty red necks with stuffed buck heads hanging in their garage. They wear cameo and work boots. I've never fit into the style of where I live. All the girls wear shorty shorts and have long tan legs, like a girl in a country song. I'm nothing like this, what so ever, and it's led men to be un-attracted to me, but it's been a two-way street (I've been un-attracted to them as well).
So when I say that he's different...I'm talking accent, clothes, and attitude. Over all he's like this sweet tall comedic British guy with great hair (on his face and head!). I just find him refreshing compared to what I normally deal with, but the trouble is that I have four more weeks of class with him, and I really want to give him my phone number( which is rare because I never give anyone my number..ever.) but I don't want to cross any lines. He's not mentioned a girlfriend from what I recall, I even thought he was gay when I first began class with him, but he's straight from what I can tell. Over all he's super cool. We talked yesterday about whiskey, and so all I've been able to think about is drinking whiskey and talking to him for hours on end for the past two days. He literally made my day better yesterday just from walking with me, because normally no one pays me any attention and could care less about it. So..this. I've been thinking about this for two days now, and finally I've said it. So there.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Life Updates and Lists
I'm going to have to make this short and sweet....
A life update list:
Other than that everything is o.k.
Yeah, just O.K.
P.S. we got a new puppy, which he's not new now but yeah...his name is Jake <3 He's a boxer like Butch our previous dog. I wasn't sure about getting another dog soon after Butch, but everything ended up being okay. I just don't know if I can handle anymore loss at this moment and time.
A life update list:
- I got a new job
- I'm quitting community college (at least for a little while)
- A friend I had a falling out with came back after a year and now we're talking again...barley
- I'm still single...
- I'm still depressed and morbid and stuff, but my job keeps me pretty busy.
- Thanksgiving is coming and I'm pretty darn excited
- Christmas is coming after that and I am not excited...except for break and New Years
- I'm looking forward to a new year..2015
Other than that everything is o.k.
Yeah, just O.K.
P.S. we got a new puppy, which he's not new now but yeah...his name is Jake <3 He's a boxer like Butch our previous dog. I wasn't sure about getting another dog soon after Butch, but everything ended up being okay. I just don't know if I can handle anymore loss at this moment and time.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Meghan Trainor...All about that bass (Rant)
Tonight has been full of rants. Eating a bowl of ice cream I scrolled through Tumblr.com and came across a post full of hate referring to Meghan Trainors new song "All about that bass" and I decided to read a few. The more that I read the angrier I got with peoples stupidity. Simply put the song is about a girl with a big butt and lots of curves. Her video is also full of larger women dancing and in one point of the song Meghan references that she doesn't want to be a "skinny b*tch" and tells all the young women who are worried about their figure that they are beautiful.
For the majority of my life I have been teased for being over weight, and it effected me for a long time. At one point or another during my teenage years I thought that if I didn't eat that it would make things better. I ate 300 calories a day, and I nearly ended up sick from the lack of proteins and nutrients my body needed to function correctly. So needless to say I realized how fucked up it was to try and starve myself rather than take care of myself. Still to this day I'm not smaller than a sized 12, but I'm okay with that. There is always room for improvement and I want to be positive about the way I see myself, even when others can't.
So anyway, in one of the comments a young girl was angered from the lyrics of this new song, stating that she was one of the "skinny b*tches" that was talked about in the song and DEMANDED a personal apology from the artist in the comments section OR ELSE she was going to start calling all the obese girls at her SCHOOL "Fat b*itches" BECAUSE Meghan Trainor called HER a "skinny b*tch". Wow, sounds fair, right? No! I was out raged that some pea-brained human so low on self esteem had to take it out on other girls just because she felt threatened from a few lyrics in a song. If it would have been the opposite, where Meghan Trainor was bullying obese girls rather than glorifying them, the out raged "skinny bitch" would have commented on how much she LOVED the song. A little further in the comments section was a boys two cents on his thoughts of it all (shocking) in which he stated, "curves are sexy, and fat is just disgusting". So what you're saying is...body fat in general (which curves are made up of....) is gross. So what you're saying is..you are made up of 100% muscle and bone...other wise you are a hypocritical mother fucker who needs to reconsider life itself immediately.
I don't know you guys, it just really pisses me off how people who are praised all their lives for their slim figures and who don't have to worry about not fitting in to their favorite new pair of jeans in the fitting room. They don't have to worry about walking around school waiting for the next insult, being hunted down like prey in an open meadow always having to watch your back. They just need to realize that sometimes it's not all about them, and that there are people out there who can eat more than 3000 calories in one day and be okay with it. There are people out there who are obese and don't feel bad for eating ice cream in public. There are people who feel beautiful in their bodies and who don't give a fuck what you think, and you know what neither do I. So you're opinion is not needed when it comes to anything except your own body, clothes, hair, and style. Just stay true to yourself and don't be a shallow ass hole, it isn't needed. Really it isn't.
And there are a shit ton of other things that I would really like to rant about but it isn't so much an "over all" situation as it is just a situation that hits more to home. Things that are really messed up and just a lot of stupid know-it-all's who don't have shit figured out but think that nothing can hurt them. It really causes me a lot of pain to see so much stupidity and lack of caution from these people that I care a lot about. I really just want to punch them in the face, but that won't help anything. SO...
Rant over.
For the majority of my life I have been teased for being over weight, and it effected me for a long time. At one point or another during my teenage years I thought that if I didn't eat that it would make things better. I ate 300 calories a day, and I nearly ended up sick from the lack of proteins and nutrients my body needed to function correctly. So needless to say I realized how fucked up it was to try and starve myself rather than take care of myself. Still to this day I'm not smaller than a sized 12, but I'm okay with that. There is always room for improvement and I want to be positive about the way I see myself, even when others can't.
So anyway, in one of the comments a young girl was angered from the lyrics of this new song, stating that she was one of the "skinny b*tches" that was talked about in the song and DEMANDED a personal apology from the artist in the comments section OR ELSE she was going to start calling all the obese girls at her SCHOOL "Fat b*itches" BECAUSE Meghan Trainor called HER a "skinny b*tch". Wow, sounds fair, right? No! I was out raged that some pea-brained human so low on self esteem had to take it out on other girls just because she felt threatened from a few lyrics in a song. If it would have been the opposite, where Meghan Trainor was bullying obese girls rather than glorifying them, the out raged "skinny bitch" would have commented on how much she LOVED the song. A little further in the comments section was a boys two cents on his thoughts of it all (shocking) in which he stated, "curves are sexy, and fat is just disgusting". So what you're saying is...body fat in general (which curves are made up of....) is gross. So what you're saying is..you are made up of 100% muscle and bone...other wise you are a hypocritical mother fucker who needs to reconsider life itself immediately.
I don't know you guys, it just really pisses me off how people who are praised all their lives for their slim figures and who don't have to worry about not fitting in to their favorite new pair of jeans in the fitting room. They don't have to worry about walking around school waiting for the next insult, being hunted down like prey in an open meadow always having to watch your back. They just need to realize that sometimes it's not all about them, and that there are people out there who can eat more than 3000 calories in one day and be okay with it. There are people out there who are obese and don't feel bad for eating ice cream in public. There are people who feel beautiful in their bodies and who don't give a fuck what you think, and you know what neither do I. So you're opinion is not needed when it comes to anything except your own body, clothes, hair, and style. Just stay true to yourself and don't be a shallow ass hole, it isn't needed. Really it isn't.
And there are a shit ton of other things that I would really like to rant about but it isn't so much an "over all" situation as it is just a situation that hits more to home. Things that are really messed up and just a lot of stupid know-it-all's who don't have shit figured out but think that nothing can hurt them. It really causes me a lot of pain to see so much stupidity and lack of caution from these people that I care a lot about. I really just want to punch them in the face, but that won't help anything. SO...
Rant over.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
For the Best
For the love that never let me down.
I don't remember the exactly day or the exact date for when the passing happened. Things tend to happen too fast when sickness is involved. Whether it's fast and quick taking the things you love the most away from you before you're prepared, or it's slow and daunting making sure you know that it will kill you eventually. My dog suffered from E.coli after eating something that had grown foul, and was pronounced deceased the day after his reaction. The dog that I saw before I left for work that night was not the same loving near-human animal that I had grown extremely fond of the past six years of my life. When I would walk, he would walk with me. No matter where I went he would always be there to protect me by my side. Guardian of the forest. Strong and intimidating, he always made people notice his presence. Although I'm a human, he taught me to be brave at times when I was afraid. There was never many times when I was alone. Whether asleep, walking, or sitting in my room he wouldn't be too far away. When my parents buried him beside the garage I kept thinking that if there was one more day with him I spend the whole day just petting him. That's the one thing I miss the most, because when I was scared of upset I could pet him and he would look at me with his big brown eyes and smile. He helped me feel better when there wasn't anyone else around.
Every day since the death he has been on my mind. When I go out into the yard I think about how he would roll in the grass and he was always so happy. I'm glad that he was happy, and that he didn't have to suffer for very long. Some days are harder than others without his presence. Some days I wake up in the morning thinking about him first thing. Yesterday I had a dream that he was alright and al of this wasn't real, but I knew it wasn't right that he was still gone.
Anyways, I guess in away this is my closure. I haven't had this kind of missing of something since I was 10 and my most favorite dog passed away of a blood clot. As a kid I thought I could just argue with the god of heaven and make everything okay again, but it didn't work. None of it ever worked. So this post, as morbid as it may be, is my way of saying a proper good-bye. A nice farewell to the bravest dog I've ever loved.
R.I.P. Butch <3
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Bitter
You're not worth it.
If I never told you, it's because I didn't see the point.
You thought we were cool, but I fooled you.
You're not worth the anger I feel.
The tears that streamed down my face.
Blood running down my back as I reach for the knife.
No one could love me, not even myself.
No one wanted me, not even you.
Forgive you for your mistakes, but you don't know what you did.
You didn't feel it.
You don't deserve it.
You're not worth it.
Not worth the medication.
Not worth the money for the cigarettes.
Not worth the feelings inside that eat me alive at night.
You'll never know what you really did until it happens to you.
Forgive you for your small error.
The one that left me feeling sick.
Feeling like I wasn't worth anyone's time or effort.
You tell me I'm bitter?
Yeah, I'm bitter.
I'm bitter for far worse things than you.
I resided that bitterness, carried it six feet into the ground.
Yeah I'm bitter, but only when I'm with you.
You're not worth my happiness.
If I never told you, it's because I didn't see the point.
You thought we were cool, but I fooled you.
You're not worth the anger I feel.
The tears that streamed down my face.
Blood running down my back as I reach for the knife.
No one could love me, not even myself.
No one wanted me, not even you.
Forgive you for your mistakes, but you don't know what you did.
You didn't feel it.
You don't deserve it.
You're not worth it.
Not worth the medication.
Not worth the money for the cigarettes.
Not worth the feelings inside that eat me alive at night.
You'll never know what you really did until it happens to you.
Forgive you for your small error.
The one that left me feeling sick.
Feeling like I wasn't worth anyone's time or effort.
You tell me I'm bitter?
Yeah, I'm bitter.
I'm bitter for far worse things than you.
I resided that bitterness, carried it six feet into the ground.
Yeah I'm bitter, but only when I'm with you.
You're not worth my happiness.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
What is love
One week from this Saturday will mark a very sad anniversary. I have much more to worry about for the mean time, but for right now in this second I think about the future and if I'm going back to that place a week from Saturday. If so, who will I be with? What will I be wearing? And how will I feel if I see him again?
People never told me to only be passionate to those who deserve it. When I fell in love I gave him all that I could muster and he only accepted bits and pieces, leaving me feeling worthless and cheap. He criticized my mind and my thoughts every day that we talked. I wasn't on the same level as he was. We weren't much alike, although he we had had our similarities in the past. It started out natural, and ended confused and painful.
It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. Laying on his grandmothers guest bed, eyes closed, and voice loud and annoyed when I tried to tell him good-bye. I just didn't realize that that would be the last time I would see him for a whole year. The last time I would ever say good-bye in person. And he didn't even give me a hug. I look back at the year for him. His best friend at this time last year moved and through the year that very same "best friend" ordered his friends crush to not talk to him. To me if you consider someone your best friend, they aren't going to command the person you like the most in the entire world to stop talking to you, other wise they aren't worth your time. Or effort. So I find it funny that his idea of a best friend ended up being a person whom he trusted and ended up making him more miserable. I made him miserable, but he didn't consider me anything but just a "good friend".
He was a chapter in my book and I was merely a sentence in his.
I jumped oceans for him, and he couldn't even jump rain puddles for me.
Then I think of the three or four times I spent more money than I had just to see him. Just to be there in person and see him. He of course was only at those places because he "had to be", and I made myself there in that place because I had to see him. So passionate for one human being. It was the only thing I lived for, and when everything ended I really felt like life wasn't worth living anymore. It's strange how one person who treats you like shit can still mean the entire world to you. Even after the fact of that person making their feelings known about not caring for you anymore, you would still give them your left leg if they needed it. So maybe that's the meaning of love. Loving someone even though they totally don't deserve it what so ever.
Love makes you stupid and blind. It's really quite tragic. Even when you think that there is one person out there specifically made for you, the perfect man/woman. I don't believe in that...I think that you could go your whole life and not meet that person, but yet you could fall in love with someone like them and be just as happy. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, nor fate. Too many people in bad situations, because that's just the point...they're people and people are only out for themselves. Love comes naturally, and if you have to think about it too much or talk yourself into it...then it's not really love.
People never told me to only be passionate to those who deserve it. When I fell in love I gave him all that I could muster and he only accepted bits and pieces, leaving me feeling worthless and cheap. He criticized my mind and my thoughts every day that we talked. I wasn't on the same level as he was. We weren't much alike, although he we had had our similarities in the past. It started out natural, and ended confused and painful.
It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. Laying on his grandmothers guest bed, eyes closed, and voice loud and annoyed when I tried to tell him good-bye. I just didn't realize that that would be the last time I would see him for a whole year. The last time I would ever say good-bye in person. And he didn't even give me a hug. I look back at the year for him. His best friend at this time last year moved and through the year that very same "best friend" ordered his friends crush to not talk to him. To me if you consider someone your best friend, they aren't going to command the person you like the most in the entire world to stop talking to you, other wise they aren't worth your time. Or effort. So I find it funny that his idea of a best friend ended up being a person whom he trusted and ended up making him more miserable. I made him miserable, but he didn't consider me anything but just a "good friend".
He was a chapter in my book and I was merely a sentence in his.
I jumped oceans for him, and he couldn't even jump rain puddles for me.
Then I think of the three or four times I spent more money than I had just to see him. Just to be there in person and see him. He of course was only at those places because he "had to be", and I made myself there in that place because I had to see him. So passionate for one human being. It was the only thing I lived for, and when everything ended I really felt like life wasn't worth living anymore. It's strange how one person who treats you like shit can still mean the entire world to you. Even after the fact of that person making their feelings known about not caring for you anymore, you would still give them your left leg if they needed it. So maybe that's the meaning of love. Loving someone even though they totally don't deserve it what so ever.
Love makes you stupid and blind. It's really quite tragic. Even when you think that there is one person out there specifically made for you, the perfect man/woman. I don't believe in that...I think that you could go your whole life and not meet that person, but yet you could fall in love with someone like them and be just as happy. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, nor fate. Too many people in bad situations, because that's just the point...they're people and people are only out for themselves. Love comes naturally, and if you have to think about it too much or talk yourself into it...then it's not really love.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Optimistic Summer Fun
Summer Vacation.
From the time that school started until now, everything is different. The past couple of months have been different, but because I've made them different by my own choice. I wanted something better to happen than what happened last year. Last year was really rough. This year I've been employed and I'm very happy at the place I'm at. Since I started my job working on my homework was a little harder, but I did okay in my finals. Next semester I'll be attending more photography courses and possibly a graphic design course. For the mean time though, I'll be glad to work for the summer and get some warm days. This winter was way too snowy.
I usually do an over view of my classes and how my outcome in those classes went. I only took three classes, which I'm glad I only took three. My math class is still whooping my butt. One more try before I get sent back to the first math again. Sucks! Then in my photography digital two class I did my semester project THAT morning of turning it in. Say it with me P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n. I ended up doing okay on it. My final exam sucked because most of the stuff we had went over in the beginning of the semester we had all mainly forgotten. Five months and they expect you to work your ass off AND remember the components of additive and subtractive colors, plus what color palate the graphic design students use. Bull. Shit. I'm not in it yet, so lets keep it in one mind frame for now, shall we? Seven of my original classmates graduated this May, they had so much work to do. Portfolio creating is a lot of work, plus putting it on display in a public museum of art. Nerves were on edge, but once they graduated a big sigh of relief was upon their lips. I'm proud of them truthfully. The more I see people graduate and end it I keep feeling like this isn't something I really want to do. My heart keeps pushing me towards culinary arts.
Why culinary arts? Well for the mean time I'm starting out in my new job as a waitress at a restaurant. Picking up people skills, and getting a taste of what its like to cook and handing people their food. I feel a passion flowing through me that I've not felt in a long time when I cook and hand someone a plate of food and their eyes light up. Over all I've only been at my job for three weeks, almost a month, and I'm one of the much stronger servers compared to the other ladies starting out. Two days of cooking lessons, not official, but just watching and being taught on slower shifts. Now when the cook is busy cleaning something or preparing for third shift, if I need an order I can make it myself. I feel pretty strongly about cooking, more and more. Once I get a good amount of experience for myself I'm going to be moving up in the world and start taking classes in the queen city. I want the best. The best for myself in the future. I won't settle for anything less than the best, even if it means I have to start from the bottom to get there.
From the time that school started until now, everything is different. The past couple of months have been different, but because I've made them different by my own choice. I wanted something better to happen than what happened last year. Last year was really rough. This year I've been employed and I'm very happy at the place I'm at. Since I started my job working on my homework was a little harder, but I did okay in my finals. Next semester I'll be attending more photography courses and possibly a graphic design course. For the mean time though, I'll be glad to work for the summer and get some warm days. This winter was way too snowy.
I usually do an over view of my classes and how my outcome in those classes went. I only took three classes, which I'm glad I only took three. My math class is still whooping my butt. One more try before I get sent back to the first math again. Sucks! Then in my photography digital two class I did my semester project THAT morning of turning it in. Say it with me P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n. I ended up doing okay on it. My final exam sucked because most of the stuff we had went over in the beginning of the semester we had all mainly forgotten. Five months and they expect you to work your ass off AND remember the components of additive and subtractive colors, plus what color palate the graphic design students use. Bull. Shit. I'm not in it yet, so lets keep it in one mind frame for now, shall we? Seven of my original classmates graduated this May, they had so much work to do. Portfolio creating is a lot of work, plus putting it on display in a public museum of art. Nerves were on edge, but once they graduated a big sigh of relief was upon their lips. I'm proud of them truthfully. The more I see people graduate and end it I keep feeling like this isn't something I really want to do. My heart keeps pushing me towards culinary arts.
Why culinary arts? Well for the mean time I'm starting out in my new job as a waitress at a restaurant. Picking up people skills, and getting a taste of what its like to cook and handing people their food. I feel a passion flowing through me that I've not felt in a long time when I cook and hand someone a plate of food and their eyes light up. Over all I've only been at my job for three weeks, almost a month, and I'm one of the much stronger servers compared to the other ladies starting out. Two days of cooking lessons, not official, but just watching and being taught on slower shifts. Now when the cook is busy cleaning something or preparing for third shift, if I need an order I can make it myself. I feel pretty strongly about cooking, more and more. Once I get a good amount of experience for myself I'm going to be moving up in the world and start taking classes in the queen city. I want the best. The best for myself in the future. I won't settle for anything less than the best, even if it means I have to start from the bottom to get there.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Short Life Update
So many times I told myself that this year was going to be better but I was frightened of change. About a month ago I was advised by my Personal Finance teacher to check out a student services option at our school and apply through them to a few hiring stores in the local area. There were a few places that I was interested in on my first meeting, but I didn't actually go through with the job or job interviewing. A few weeks later the school held a open job fair and I went. Dressed as professionally as I could muster, I went in and spoke to about 5 different tables. Two out of three job booths called me back within the first two weeks.
At this very moment I am employed at a job about ten minutes from school, and I will begin training at another job that is fifteen minutes from my home. Right now I'll be doing both until this summer when I pause at one and proceed with the other. Then once my Summer job is ended I will pick back up at my "day time" job. I really felt as though before I got an interview from either place that I would screw it up some how. My first job interview went terribly, and yet I still received a position and hearty welcomes. My second interview went marvelously and everyone was very impressed with my spirit and charm.
In this very second I feel incredibly blessed. I could be with nothing and yet I am doubly blessed. Soon I will be saving enough for a car and having good customer service as well as really great work ethic on my future resume. I'm excited about my future again. I'm the kind of person that needs new and challenging things in order to stay excited. A lot of things have changed between this time last year and now, but I've gotten a lot better by keeping busy. My school work isn't slacking, and I actually only have a few more weeks of school. Next week I have a long week of Spring Break and I couldn't be more excited. Everything is working out really nicely. This summer is going to be amazing.
Something that I've learned as of recent is that there are a lot of people that aren't in my life anymore, and in a way I do miss each one of them individually from what they gave to me to make me who I am now, but for the people they turned into in the end I try to keep reassuring myself that if it's meant to be that one day things will come back. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing stays the same. Life changes and that's what makes it exciting. That's what I've been thinking about for the past few months.
Hope everyone's having a great week, and I will catch you all on the flip side.
At this very moment I am employed at a job about ten minutes from school, and I will begin training at another job that is fifteen minutes from my home. Right now I'll be doing both until this summer when I pause at one and proceed with the other. Then once my Summer job is ended I will pick back up at my "day time" job. I really felt as though before I got an interview from either place that I would screw it up some how. My first job interview went terribly, and yet I still received a position and hearty welcomes. My second interview went marvelously and everyone was very impressed with my spirit and charm.
In this very second I feel incredibly blessed. I could be with nothing and yet I am doubly blessed. Soon I will be saving enough for a car and having good customer service as well as really great work ethic on my future resume. I'm excited about my future again. I'm the kind of person that needs new and challenging things in order to stay excited. A lot of things have changed between this time last year and now, but I've gotten a lot better by keeping busy. My school work isn't slacking, and I actually only have a few more weeks of school. Next week I have a long week of Spring Break and I couldn't be more excited. Everything is working out really nicely. This summer is going to be amazing.
Something that I've learned as of recent is that there are a lot of people that aren't in my life anymore, and in a way I do miss each one of them individually from what they gave to me to make me who I am now, but for the people they turned into in the end I try to keep reassuring myself that if it's meant to be that one day things will come back. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing stays the same. Life changes and that's what makes it exciting. That's what I've been thinking about for the past few months.
Hope everyone's having a great week, and I will catch you all on the flip side.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The Four Elements Poem
WATER
Softly flow.
Striding through.
Creating calmness,
and serenity.
The touch that can heal.
A touch that can calm.
The sound of her voice.
A strong and beautiful current.
WIND
Invisible.
Like a whips of air.
Nothing contains.
No one sees.
Full of strength and life.
She flows through the trees.
She carries the leaves.
Soft and innocent.
Calm and youthful.
EARTH
Wise and firm.
Filled with knowledge.
Teaching the ages.
Holding the weight of strangers.
Her strength is her own.
The wisdom from pain.
Suffering made beautiful.
Like a land fill made into a forest.
She survives through the despair.
FIRE
Wisps of smoke escape through her lungs.
Fire cascades from her eyes.
Passion and youth.
Freedom.
She is like a fire.
Fierce and passionate.
Do not disturb her.
She is resting.
She is resisting.
All that has been burned.
All that has been.
Fire can be both contained and set free.
Don't make her choose.
She is only a youth.
And her powers are too strong.
Your ignorance.
Her passion.
Do not collide.
It will only end in scars.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
My Paintings
There's a wall that I paint on. I started this project at the beginning of the year. It was kind of something like a symbol of starting new and fresh. Previous to this year the corner of my room only had a few pictures and some cheesy looking drawings that I made of my friends. One in particular I thought was pretty amazing, but after my life took a complete turn I decided that something new needed to come of this wall. In January I painted the most beautiful mountain I have ever seen in my life. Well, as close to seeing as pictures on the internet come to seeing it. Anyway, this mountain is finished and I was planning on putting a city below it but not it's just the mountain with a dark space at the base of it and a few green lumps that symbolize hills. A moon is full and proceeding through the sky on the left side of the mountain as the sun sets on the right. Below this picture of a mountain I made another painting. I think its my favorite. I created the original drawing last year, but putting it on my wall and giving it color was the best decision I've made so far on my wall. The mountain represents my realistic dreams and the tree house below it represents my fantasy dreams. Sometimes I forget which one I need the most. Reality or fiction. Last year I lived in a fictional world and the reality of the universe came crashing in around me. I was crushed to realize that things weren't as they seemed. Of all the things that I've painted so far I've begun realizing that I wouldn't change any of it. Somethings aren't to my complete liking, but then again that's the good thing about paint...you can paint over it eventually when it gets tiring and make something new. My thoughts on the next wall color for my room is a violet purple, at least that's how I see hit in my mind. Then again I may choose a sky blue and paint clouds everywhere so I can feel like I live in the sky. I figure I may sound like a nut case, but I'm only as sane as a girl can get after all the hurt I've felt.
The little tree house that I created is red with a brown roof and has a front deck porch. A screened in section of the porch gives it a nice old time-y feel. Sometimes I like to think how the door may sound, if it squeaks and creaks when it opens. Or maybe it's rusted open. The way the rain sounds when it hits the roof and the way you are surrounded with trees and sky. Watching lightning play all around you. It's terrifying and mesmerizing all the same. Beside my tree house, perched up above my plug in on the wall, I painted a flower. This flower has orange petals and there are seven of them. Some of the petals have fallen off onto the soft dirt below. Over all there are nineteen petals. Again, another representation of something. I've used to much blue and green paints that I'm nearly running out and about to be left with bright pinks and purples. There is a picture I created with all kinds of bright colors. It's in the shape of a heart but its in tiny little triangle shapes. Like little shards of color mixed all together. Kaleidoscope heart is what I call it. Only one picture has been painted of a place that I've been to many times before. Junaluska. The lake is a crystal blue, brown lumber between the grey stone columns. Three mountains off in the distance playing hide and seek with the sun. I remember once when I was there a few years ago I was walking on the rose walk they have with someone that was very special to me. The moon was high above reflection off into the lake and the smell of roses danced all around us. The air was chilly and he gave me his over shirt. It was a nice night. In the distance there was a hill and on top of the hill a light. It was beautiful.
I've been so uninspired to write about things lately. Everything seems so uninteresting, but when I look at my paintings with a fresh set of eyes I realize that each one of them really means something, even if I didn't mean for it to in the beginning. Each picture reminds me of a place or a person. Some even symbolize who I believe myself to be or how I've changed and stayed the same. Art has been so much more to me than I really imagined it to be. When I was growing up I took a few drawing classes but they wanted perfection and pushed us so hard, so I faked sick enough times to not have to go back. Then a few years ago I took on an art appreciation class that inspired me to draw again. I realized that the best artists were messed up in the head far worse than me. I taught myself not to be careful and not to be mindful of other peoples opinions of my work. They made me happy and that's all that mattered. They mean something to me, and how anyone else perceives them is up to them, but one thing they will not be is perfect. Kind of like me.
The little tree house that I created is red with a brown roof and has a front deck porch. A screened in section of the porch gives it a nice old time-y feel. Sometimes I like to think how the door may sound, if it squeaks and creaks when it opens. Or maybe it's rusted open. The way the rain sounds when it hits the roof and the way you are surrounded with trees and sky. Watching lightning play all around you. It's terrifying and mesmerizing all the same. Beside my tree house, perched up above my plug in on the wall, I painted a flower. This flower has orange petals and there are seven of them. Some of the petals have fallen off onto the soft dirt below. Over all there are nineteen petals. Again, another representation of something. I've used to much blue and green paints that I'm nearly running out and about to be left with bright pinks and purples. There is a picture I created with all kinds of bright colors. It's in the shape of a heart but its in tiny little triangle shapes. Like little shards of color mixed all together. Kaleidoscope heart is what I call it. Only one picture has been painted of a place that I've been to many times before. Junaluska. The lake is a crystal blue, brown lumber between the grey stone columns. Three mountains off in the distance playing hide and seek with the sun. I remember once when I was there a few years ago I was walking on the rose walk they have with someone that was very special to me. The moon was high above reflection off into the lake and the smell of roses danced all around us. The air was chilly and he gave me his over shirt. It was a nice night. In the distance there was a hill and on top of the hill a light. It was beautiful.
I've been so uninspired to write about things lately. Everything seems so uninteresting, but when I look at my paintings with a fresh set of eyes I realize that each one of them really means something, even if I didn't mean for it to in the beginning. Each picture reminds me of a place or a person. Some even symbolize who I believe myself to be or how I've changed and stayed the same. Art has been so much more to me than I really imagined it to be. When I was growing up I took a few drawing classes but they wanted perfection and pushed us so hard, so I faked sick enough times to not have to go back. Then a few years ago I took on an art appreciation class that inspired me to draw again. I realized that the best artists were messed up in the head far worse than me. I taught myself not to be careful and not to be mindful of other peoples opinions of my work. They made me happy and that's all that mattered. They mean something to me, and how anyone else perceives them is up to them, but one thing they will not be is perfect. Kind of like me.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
School update
The next few paragraphs are going to be about how my personal experience with community college is going, so leave if you must but you are more than welcome to stay and read.
Hello readers, it's been quite a while since I've posted about school or about my life in general. Nothing has changed other than starting my second semester of my Sophomore year at community college! I really can't believe my second year is nearly half way through. There are so many things that I've learned since starting like how to make a resume, history of music, history and drawing classes (art), and now I'm in a class that teaches how to keep up with your personal finance.
Last semester (Fall) I took five classes (about 13-14 credit hours) and really did a great job with keeping up on things. The matter of the fact is that last year was way more productive than this year to be completely honest. This year I have 6 credit hours (3 classes) and I have gotten very lazy. Not to say that the break is nice, but I love to be pushed to my limits and see just how far I can go. I like to be under pressure and I never knew that about myself until last semester. I do well under stress! Who knew? So anyway, I'm learning about myself and about all these interesting things in classes that I never knew were possible. Right now in my Personal Finance class that I'm taking I've been playing a game (wall street survivor) and it is surprisingly addictive. It's all the buff of the actual stock markets for the real world but you get to play with fake money. I've never been so interested in stock marketing and what stock was best for when and how long I think I can hold on to it and see how much money I can make. Some of the stocks are safe and others are risky. One day your market investment could be up to $4,000 and the next day it could be gone.
Other than Personal Finance, I'm in my second part of Digital Imaging and it is very fast paced. Currently we have been working on little things, but the class has joined together from last semester because the time for this class is 4 hours long. If you can imagine sitting at a computer in the dark listening and following along to demonstrations from a projector for four hours...yeah. Usually we only get a 10 minute break after we finish our first hour, and then we get to work when we come back and don't stand up again until three hours later. To say the least, I'm glad that I have a math class afterwards because after the 'artistic' flow of things I can concentrate on math better (using both sides of the brain).
So, this is pretty much it for right now. I may possibly take a few courses during the summer while I work part or full time, and I plan on saving back some money (with some of the money saving methods I'm learning) and save for a trip to Portland, Oregon! That's on of my dream destinations. A girl in my class that I sit beside began talking to me one day and we got on the topic of traveling and it ends up she's been to Portland, Oregon before and says it's quite beautiful. I look forward to seeing it one day :) Even if it takes me until I'm 30 years old, I will safe every cent that I can to make it. I finally have some life goals, and they look ever so sweet!
I hope everyone has a really great week and weekend! If you are in way of snow (or if snow is just a usual for you) then be safe! Have fun! And I will catch you on the flip side.
Hello readers, it's been quite a while since I've posted about school or about my life in general. Nothing has changed other than starting my second semester of my Sophomore year at community college! I really can't believe my second year is nearly half way through. There are so many things that I've learned since starting like how to make a resume, history of music, history and drawing classes (art), and now I'm in a class that teaches how to keep up with your personal finance.
Last semester (Fall) I took five classes (about 13-14 credit hours) and really did a great job with keeping up on things. The matter of the fact is that last year was way more productive than this year to be completely honest. This year I have 6 credit hours (3 classes) and I have gotten very lazy. Not to say that the break is nice, but I love to be pushed to my limits and see just how far I can go. I like to be under pressure and I never knew that about myself until last semester. I do well under stress! Who knew? So anyway, I'm learning about myself and about all these interesting things in classes that I never knew were possible. Right now in my Personal Finance class that I'm taking I've been playing a game (wall street survivor) and it is surprisingly addictive. It's all the buff of the actual stock markets for the real world but you get to play with fake money. I've never been so interested in stock marketing and what stock was best for when and how long I think I can hold on to it and see how much money I can make. Some of the stocks are safe and others are risky. One day your market investment could be up to $4,000 and the next day it could be gone.
Other than Personal Finance, I'm in my second part of Digital Imaging and it is very fast paced. Currently we have been working on little things, but the class has joined together from last semester because the time for this class is 4 hours long. If you can imagine sitting at a computer in the dark listening and following along to demonstrations from a projector for four hours...yeah. Usually we only get a 10 minute break after we finish our first hour, and then we get to work when we come back and don't stand up again until three hours later. To say the least, I'm glad that I have a math class afterwards because after the 'artistic' flow of things I can concentrate on math better (using both sides of the brain).
So, this is pretty much it for right now. I may possibly take a few courses during the summer while I work part or full time, and I plan on saving back some money (with some of the money saving methods I'm learning) and save for a trip to Portland, Oregon! That's on of my dream destinations. A girl in my class that I sit beside began talking to me one day and we got on the topic of traveling and it ends up she's been to Portland, Oregon before and says it's quite beautiful. I look forward to seeing it one day :) Even if it takes me until I'm 30 years old, I will safe every cent that I can to make it. I finally have some life goals, and they look ever so sweet!
I hope everyone has a really great week and weekend! If you are in way of snow (or if snow is just a usual for you) then be safe! Have fun! And I will catch you on the flip side.
Friends and Humility for Mankind
For a moment in time there are a few thoughts in my mind that have fully processed. I'm not sure if it's because I have ate a full meal and my stomach is warm and content, or if it is in fact the stress being absent in my mind with having a day off tomorrow. Either way I sit here content with things in this moment. I've been meaning to say something in recent times but could never really find the words to say. Everything has been scrambled in my mind.
I think about this time last year. I had a boyfriend and my best guy friend was giving me the attention that I had been dying for for the past two years. Everything seemed to be at a perfect state. Now in this precise moment neither one of those boys are in my life. I had a really hard time letting one go especially, but eventually I've come to some closure. For a long time I wondered if something was wrong with me because it seemed I was leaving or pushing away all of my friends and being left with nothing and no one. Just memories to fill my mind every single day and leave my heart aching. Then I read a quote. I'm not sure word for word or who it's by but it says "If your friendships do not last forever then it is a sign that you are growing up", and it was most definetly something that I needed to see. I've felt like a horrible person or a failure but the truth is that I've merely been learning and growing up.
When I see the people that I've let go of in the future I don't expect them to be kind to me or even recognize me, but I do hope to see them happy. I hope that they make something wonderful of their lives and create something worth living for and something that their grandchildren can be proud of. I know as a young adult it's hard to make your way in the world. You hurt people and you make mistakes and you try the best you can, but what makes you who you are is who you stay with through it all. Growing up I wanted to be the kind of person that no one had a bad word to say about if ever my funeral arose at an early age, but I've realized as I've grown up that someone will always having something to say about you or to you. Everyone has an opinion of you and what you are supposed to be. They will question your moves and you thoughts but you just have to ignore them and keep moving in the direction you think is best for yourself.
For this past year I've learned a lot. Mainly that people are just people and you only have a little bit of time with them on this earth so make every second count for as long as you can. Don't expect anything from anyone, and always give if your heart is completely in it. Don't do things for people that will do something for yourself, because humility is the most powerful gift you can ever receive.
I think about this time last year. I had a boyfriend and my best guy friend was giving me the attention that I had been dying for for the past two years. Everything seemed to be at a perfect state. Now in this precise moment neither one of those boys are in my life. I had a really hard time letting one go especially, but eventually I've come to some closure. For a long time I wondered if something was wrong with me because it seemed I was leaving or pushing away all of my friends and being left with nothing and no one. Just memories to fill my mind every single day and leave my heart aching. Then I read a quote. I'm not sure word for word or who it's by but it says "If your friendships do not last forever then it is a sign that you are growing up", and it was most definetly something that I needed to see. I've felt like a horrible person or a failure but the truth is that I've merely been learning and growing up.
When I see the people that I've let go of in the future I don't expect them to be kind to me or even recognize me, but I do hope to see them happy. I hope that they make something wonderful of their lives and create something worth living for and something that their grandchildren can be proud of. I know as a young adult it's hard to make your way in the world. You hurt people and you make mistakes and you try the best you can, but what makes you who you are is who you stay with through it all. Growing up I wanted to be the kind of person that no one had a bad word to say about if ever my funeral arose at an early age, but I've realized as I've grown up that someone will always having something to say about you or to you. Everyone has an opinion of you and what you are supposed to be. They will question your moves and you thoughts but you just have to ignore them and keep moving in the direction you think is best for yourself.
For this past year I've learned a lot. Mainly that people are just people and you only have a little bit of time with them on this earth so make every second count for as long as you can. Don't expect anything from anyone, and always give if your heart is completely in it. Don't do things for people that will do something for yourself, because humility is the most powerful gift you can ever receive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)