One week from this Saturday will mark a very sad anniversary. I have much more to worry about for the mean time, but for right now in this second I think about the future and if I'm going back to that place a week from Saturday. If so, who will I be with? What will I be wearing? And how will I feel if I see him again?
People never told me to only be passionate to those who deserve it. When I fell in love I gave him all that I could muster and he only accepted bits and pieces, leaving me feeling worthless and cheap. He criticized my mind and my thoughts every day that we talked. I wasn't on the same level as he was. We weren't much alike, although he we had had our similarities in the past. It started out natural, and ended confused and painful.
It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. Laying on his grandmothers guest bed, eyes closed, and voice loud and annoyed when I tried to tell him good-bye. I just didn't realize that that would be the last time I would see him for a whole year. The last time I would ever say good-bye in person. And he didn't even give me a hug. I look back at the year for him. His best friend at this time last year moved and through the year that very same "best friend" ordered his friends crush to not talk to him. To me if you consider someone your best friend, they aren't going to command the person you like the most in the entire world to stop talking to you, other wise they aren't worth your time. Or effort. So I find it funny that his idea of a best friend ended up being a person whom he trusted and ended up making him more miserable. I made him miserable, but he didn't consider me anything but just a "good friend".
He was a chapter in my book and I was merely a sentence in his.
I jumped oceans for him, and he couldn't even jump rain puddles for me.
Then I think of the three or four times I spent more money than I had just to see him. Just to be there in person and see him. He of course was only at those places because he "had to be", and I made myself there in that place because I had to see him. So passionate for one human being. It was the only thing I lived for, and when everything ended I really felt like life wasn't worth living anymore. It's strange how one person who treats you like shit can still mean the entire world to you. Even after the fact of that person making their feelings known about not caring for you anymore, you would still give them your left leg if they needed it. So maybe that's the meaning of love. Loving someone even though they totally don't deserve it what so ever.
Love makes you stupid and blind. It's really quite tragic. Even when you think that there is one person out there specifically made for you, the perfect man/woman. I don't believe in that...I think that you could go your whole life and not meet that person, but yet you could fall in love with someone like them and be just as happy. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, nor fate. Too many people in bad situations, because that's just the point...they're people and people are only out for themselves. Love comes naturally, and if you have to think about it too much or talk yourself into it...then it's not really love.
No comments:
Post a Comment