There has been a moment in time. Very few times, that I have truly fallen in love with someone. Once when I was twelve and then the second time when I was eighteen. There isn't a day that I don't think about either one of those boys. One of them is actually a good friend of mine, and a few weekends ago we hung out and he told me he loved me and I realized that I have always loved him. The other guy is far away and his birthday was a few days ago. Both completely surrounded by their new lives since I left, and I couldn't be happier for them. But then there's this whole "what about me?" moment. When my first love was seventeen he talked about marrying his first girlfriend and it broke me, and since then he's been single off and on. I've been a total bitch to him and he has been nothing but sweet to me all of the time. He forgave me for all of my pain towards him. He told me yesterday night that he forgives and forgets quickly and easily. When we were younger I used to imagine us married by now, living in a house and starting our own little family. I had plans to always be with him forever, but things changed, the way that life normally does. We were both innocent and I didn't know what anything was but I knew I cared very deeply for him and it was hard to hide it. I haven't been able to love anyone or show anyone favor in that way since that time. Now everything is all about smoke and mirrors. Games. Flirting with boys that I don't even have a chance with, or who I don't even care about. But those two boys are always in the back of my mind...all the time. Every day. They've made me a better person in a way, and I don't think I will ever stop having a place in my heart for them.
A new year has occured once more. I find that whatever you do on the first day of the year you will be doing throughout the year. I was "partying" at a gay club/bar drinking and staying up all night. Since then I've been planning on another night with my new best friend from work. She's turning 22 and wants to go bar hopping. I'm a total lightweight, but I'll go to support her. Sometimes I worry about the person I may be becoming. Three years ago I wouldn't have been able to handle the things that I handle now. Boys sexting me, drinking whisky, and quitting school. It kind of all started when my second love didn't care about life anymore. I molded myself into something I thought he'd accept, and then he left and I didn't know what to do anymore with myself. I stopped being religious. I stopped caring about life. There were a few times that I nearly committed suicide. Then my dad brought me back to reality. He kept me focused in school and pushed me to get a job. My school had a job fair and I went. Two out of three jobs were interested in me, and that made me have a little bit of faith in myself. It wasn't anything elegant working in a fast food restaurant, but I managed for the six months that it lasted. Over the period of time I learned about gays, transgender people, and what ghetto looked like. It isn't anything that I would want to change anytime soon. I got a front row seat to the world and some of it's problems. They accepted me as I was, and I loved them for it. I became who I am now, not shy and innocent but loud and independant. I like that I turned out like that.
Sometimes I lose track of what I want, or mainly what I need. Or what I want and need aren't the same thing, and if they are they are a person that I can't have. A ton of girls my age are getting married. At least two thirds of my graduating class from high school is either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship...and I'm over here kind of like "yay whisky!". Okay, all jokes aside though, it's pretty sad. I just don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I can't have casual sex, because I wouldn't be able to just play it off like nothing happened. Then there's the whole questioning sexuality thing. Sometimes I'm gay and then other times I'm straight af. These times are very confusing.
